Jason woke me up at
2:20 AM (2 = Jason and me, 0 = infinity)– I wanted to sleep, but woke again at 2:42, then
2:52 – He’s telling me to listen to my guidance (the 5)
I went to sleep to catch up on rest, knowing I would get the guidance in the morning, then woke at:
5:59 (The guidance will help me to Completion)
6:02 and 6:20
6 = Love
Yesterday we spread Jason’s ashes with Erin’s in Hull off the pier they used to jump off of, symbolizing the joy they shared in life together. It was just immediate family (Chuck, KT-Erin’s mom, and I led the ritual), with Kule and MA, Jason’s godmother who was with me at his birth and drove me to the hospital where we got the news Jason died, my brother Michael who wrote Jason’s beautiful Eulogy, and Erin’s sister Sharon along with their adopted sister Fiona from California. The ritual came together spontaneously and created such beauty and peace; I needed this to help me with some completion. We all left with such peace, and went back to KT’s to visit where Jason and Erin had such good times together with Dustin and Sharon, Erin’s older sister (who is starting art school; she was one of Jason’s greatest art fans). It’s a house of love – Jason loved being there and we didn’t want to leave either. Home at midnight.
KT had created a basket with a stainless steel bowl liner that held Erin’s ashes, with beautiful rose petals that we had given her from Jason’s ceremony, some beach sand, and some lavender. We added half of Jason’s ashes (the rest will be spread in Gloucester), and the rest of the rose petals we had from Jason’s ceremony, along with shell wings I found at Crane’s beach the day before; I wanted some of Crane’s beach energy to go with him. I can’t begin to explain how beautiful it was to put my hands through this mixture of love, we all connected with Erin and Jason in this way, and we blessed them with our tears. KT arranged to have the basket blessed by the Benedictine monk in Hull; the monastery is a beautiful space. I don’t remember what he said, but the energy was absolutely perfect. Suspended in this blessing, we drove to the pier and walked out to the end at dusk, just when we wanted to do the spreading. As we arrived, some kids were leaving and we had the pier to ourselves.
We all grabbed handfuls of the petal-ash mixture and threw them joyfully toward the ocean. I don’t know if the pictures will capture the immense beauty of the rose petals drifting off into the sunset. I jumped in and swam through the petals and the ashes, I swam through our babies, and their ashes are still in my hair. Everyone was blowing bubbles that blew toward me and the petals, the breeze was just right. Kule came out to swim with us and we played like dolphins in the petals and the bubbles. I felt such peace; we stood and looked out at the water as the petals drifted out of sight and light, with the sun down. We held each other as we saw fireworks across the harbor; Jason knew how to create beauty!
All there is is love.
I’m blessed with the overwhelming experience of feeling immense beauty and gratitude amidst tremendous sorrow. As my Guatemalan shaman teacher Martin Prechtel teaches, Beauty is the other side of Grief. To me it’s all love, and Jason was my greatest teacher.
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