Sunday, January 31, 2010

Ripples and Flow

It is safest to cross where there are ripples.

That’s what the locals tell us. Then you know how deep the water is, so the car doesn’t go where it will later regret. Bridges are too costly to maintain in Costa Rica, and they would get washed away in the wet season. Bridges are not sustainable. Flowing with nature is.

The Ticos (Cost Ricans) are very connected to nature, their life is about going with the flow. I’m tuning into that energy here, and I still stand out like a sore thumb American. We have been so acculturated to be “on guard”, having to “do” vs “be”, to watch the clock and worry about all sort of things. Do we believe that if we worry it won’t happen? An interesting belief….

I worried about Jason; I didn’t want him to suffer. I now see all that energy was wasted. He didn’t suffer, that’s true, he died instantly. I suffered much less than I could ever have imagined; I am so grateful for my processing tools and trust in Source. Of course, I never imagined my son would die before me – what parent would want to imagine that?

Jason always told me not to worry – he would have made a good Tico. I see his photographs everywhere – from the peaceful beige Brahman cows to the animated tree life to the scraggly wood and coral treasures to the comical hermit crabs showing off their shell garments to the windy worm-like patterns in the sand that are messages to us from another world.


That’s the dialogue I would have with Jason about this type of experience. What else is there to say? It is what it is, and it feels magical.

I’m finding myself suspended, unable in some strange way to lift my camera to capture a view. The view is beautiful by most standards, but it is not about the view. It’s about the feel. How can I capture this warm tropical breeze cooling me under the shade in a treehouse overlooking the turquoise waters? Can the sound of the waves be captured in a recording the way I hear it now? How can I capture the feel of adventure in our 4WD crossings and kayak crash on the island beach?

And what about the ripples? I felt small waves of grief overcome me as I settled in to this paradise spot. What the hell am I doing here, I thought? I would trade this in a millisecond to get Jason back in my life.

I felt some passing pangs of guilt thinking about how I used to want more freedom to travel, to not have to worry about Jason, my business, the house, the cats, and all of those things I feel responsible for. Now Jason and Nala (my cat) are gone. My second cat Annapurr is with her dear auntie Liz, my house is being taken care of by loving friends, and I am delegating all of my business activities (for the first time!) to a trusted colleague and friend, Fiona.

I experienced a magical flow yesterday sitting under a waterfall, watching my tears mingle and flow with the jungle waters, letting the mother earth energy hold me as I surrendered to the grief. I had nowhere to go in this remote place but with what was right there – my sadness, my awe, my gratitude, my wondering, my connection with the divine spirits that talked to me through the babbling waters.

The land at Finca Las Brisas (a sustainable community under development) has wonderful energy and I like the developers (Al reminds me of my brother Al), and I am impressed with what they are creating, pioneers in a new way of building (off the grid, solar, with minimal roads and footprint and water year-round). This is what we have been looking for, and yet I tune in and it is not yet time to make big decisions. I sit in the ripples, I talk with the local gringos and Ticos, I watch the sun set every day.

Wow – I am crossing through the ripples and I am safe and I am free – to be me.

I’m getting into this Tico thing.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Travelling without Plans

Travelling without plans. This is a new one for me. It’s a metaphor for life.

I’m not used to going on a trip without making reservations in advance. Even if I had time to plan our trip to Costa Rica, part of me wanted to just go and see where we end up. And that’s where we are – wherever we are. Following our intuition, at least most of the time.

I didn’t follow my intuition about reserving a rental car in advance – I resisted doing this to “trust” in what happened. It delayed getting us to the beach by a day but it gained us a laid-back day of getting stuck in a small village with nothing to do but eat and rest. When do I ever get that opportunity?

I have discovered my love for freedom – freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from social rules, freedom from making plans, freedom from seeing my current reality from one perspective. There’s nothing to do in this village of Nosara (although it has a great sandal shop and a fun dinner place called Rancho Tico). But there is so much to do – sit in an open air breakfast cafĂ©, petting the cabina-owner’s dogs, enjoying the jungle breeze, listening to the tropical birds, watching the motorcycles drive by, practice mi espanol, hang out with my best friend.

Travelling without an agenda is pretty cool, but I do have an agenda. To be me. To follow my bliss.

There was another part of me that wished I had made plans, so I wouldn’t “miss out on life” the way I often felt growing up and until recently, feeling burdened by taking care of others. That’s an old pattern, and I did an Avatar practice to let it go, to free me up to be in my flow. It is so cool to have 3 weeks to travel, so I am not putting pressure on myself to have to be somewhere in a particular timeframe. It is all perfecto.

We have been in Costa Rica 48 hours and have yet to reach our “destination”- the beaches of Nosara and Samara. Our first 24 hrs in San Jose introduced us to the Tico culture and the young hostel world, but mostly gave us an opportunity to rest from an intensive 2-week immersion in personal growth. When we arrived in Nosara yesterday we learned about car insurance and how to research that in advance before going to another country; I followed my intuition not to take the first car deal when I found out theft wasn’t covered in the maximum insurance plan. Waiting 24 hrs for a car brought us to this sleepy village to be sleepy.

We actually do have a plan to meet some folks from Finca Las Brisas, a sustainable intentional community under development – we will see them Saturday for a tour and a barbeque. We have been inspired by discussions with them about a community we may start or join some day. I’m guided to explore intentional community, practice Spanish and chumming with the natives (a store guide already told us our Spanish was good enough to call us Ticos!), and relax into the Pura Vida.

Looking back through my life I would get so intense (and often moody) when life didn’t go the way I planned. Losing Jason wasn’t in my plan, and somehow this created a passage into a new perspective.

I’ve taught goal-setting, shifting from working on all the steps to make something happen, to “being in your flow”, to understanding the law of attraction, to being in a place of hanging with my higher self, enjoying the simple life. I’ve created complications, and now I am creating simplicity.

Jason is here hanging with me. He didn’t like planning; he couldn’t relate to it. He fully experienced the current moment, including seeing multiple perspectives of any one thing, seeing the beauty of all things. He was with me in the 18-seater prop plane flying over the Costa Rican countryside from San Jose to the coast. I felt him say “this is so cool”, sharing the awe of each moment with him, feeling him soaring in the beautiful clouds with us.

P.S. It is the following day – now enjoying the relaxing tropical air, and being……
A small adventure yesterday fording a stream with our 4WD vehicle – the wake went up to the hood! Going outside our usual sense of reality…..

Thursday, January 21, 2010


One of Jason’s first messages after he died was to lighten up. He helped me move toward enlightenment.

Enlightenment is not the first thing one might expect after losing a child.

Why do bad things happen to people? Are they really bad? Who determines if it is bad? If we believe it is bad, then it will most likely feel that way. If we believe that it is what it is, then we are open to experiencing what comes. What if what comes are spiritual gifts? What if we get enlightened from an event that would otherwise be judged as terrible?

When Jason died my world turned upside down and I looked at life from new perspectives. The tsunami paved the way to be open to new possibilities. Instead of seeing everything through filters of loss, I started observing. I started to see what I was gaining.

And I gained a tremendous amount.

I gained confirmation there is a God, I call it Source. The strongest initial experience I had at Jason’s passing was to feel the overwhelming unconditional love that we had for each other. This is Source, and I was quickly convinced that it’s the only thing that exists. My relationship with Source has been strengthened, not weakened, with the loss of my precious son.

I am clear that the physical body is not what is most important, in fact it is the tip of the iceberg of our expanded Self, and a flash of a moment in universal time. The body comes and goes. Everything in our life can come and go. Nothing is permanent except the higher self, our connection with Source. If we can observe what happens without judging it, there is nothing to get attached to and nothing to lose and nothing to fear.

I could connect with Jason’s spirit after he died because my higher self was connecting with him on the other side. My connection with Source combined with my love for Jason opened up this communication pathway. It was more distinctly Jason the first couple of months before he moved up the astral plane away from the physical plane. Now it is more diffuse, but the strength of the connection keeps me more connected to my higher self. Or does my strong connection to my higher self keep me more connected to Jason? Or does it really matter?

We are one.

Jason passed so much to so many in his passing. He passed on to me –love, inspiration, confidence, limitlessness, patience, timelessness, and trust. I know I will be manifesting those things that I have been passionate about for some time and had believed that “some day” it would happen. It’s already happening, because it is in my highest good to serve the world.

To me enlightenment is freedom from judgment and beliefs and old patterns that don’t serve me. It’s about trusting in Source. It’s about being Source.

Jason helped me to connect to Source in a bigger way.

I will manifest what I truly desire, and what is in my highest good, in honor of Jason. In honor of my higher self. There’s no difference.

P.S. I am grateful for so much spiritual support in my life, and specifically recently some training in Avatar –

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Message 35 - Move In

It feels like time to move on, and the message I got from Jason today is to move in.

I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.

When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.

I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.

Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.

Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.