Connecting with the divine is second nature to me. Connecting with an individual spirit like Jason seems new, but on reflection it isn’t. I connect with the spirit of each person on a regular basis, when I am being present, in the moment. I’ve also connected with spirits of loved ones right after they dropped their bodies, and I forgot about that when I was writing Part 1 of this message.
The first time I lost a dear person in my life was when my friend Joanie died after getting pneumonia after a bone marrow transplant, about 12 yrs ago. I went to see her in the hospital when she was fighting the pneumonia and was unconscious. I trusted she could hear me, and I spoke to her soothingly, assuring her that all would be fine; her daughter was there doing the same. She died peacefully that evening. Looking back, I know she got the message from me to relax and let happen what was going to happen without resistance, whatever that was (we didn’t know she was going to die). I felt honored to have been there to help prepare her for her passage.
At her funeral service, I looked outside and had an experience I never had before. I saw Joanie everywhere in nature, and I felt her presence so strongly. Joanie taught me so much about connecting with earth spirits; she was one herself. She had been merged with them all along, and now more freely without a body. Whenever I think of Joanie I see her in the trees, the flowers, and the sky.
My father was dying of complications from Alzheimer’s five years ago in hospice; his body was strong enough they thought it would take days for him to pass without food, and this was the first evening there. I wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t rush over to see him 2 hrs away when my sister called to say he was breathing hard; he had done this three times before and survived weeks more in the hospital. I planned to go the next day, but it was too late.
That evening I sent him distance Reiki. As I was doing this, I felt his spirit come to me so strongly, in a way I had never experienced, feeling peace I hadn’t felt about him in the years he was struggling with his disease. As I was finishing, I got the call from my sister that he had just passed.
Two days later, when grief was pouring out about the loss of my father, grieving the past 2 years of suffering with him in his disease, and grieving that I didn’t get the closeness I had wanted from my father, he came to me. I was lying asleep on the couch, and I felt someone come in to the room and sit on the couch mattress; I felt the cushion depress with his weight. I was half asleep and opened my eyes and didn’t see anyone. Inside my head I felt the presence of a light being, neon blue, exuding so much love. It was my father, without the disease, free of human bondage, expanded in the love he always felt for me and my siblings, expressing this freely now. He told me he wants us to be happy, especially my sister, who had suffered the most with his disease, being his primary caregiver in R.I.
After receiving this message, I felt so much gratitude for having had in my life. I saw a completely different perspective now, that I had received such blessings from him – intelligence, such passion for life, and confidence to create whatever I want. This is what he was as a doctor – it was his passion to heal others, and I got my healership from him as well as my intuitive mother. I learned more about my father at the funeral from all those who came to tell us what an amazing person he was, saving so many lives, teaching them about medicine, sharing his gifts with no financial interests (in fact, he is the only doctor I’ve ever known who declared bankruptcy; he wasn’t a businessman.) My father was happiest at work, and I finally understood that it wasn’t his dharma to be a father in this lifetime. But he gave us so much in other ways. My soul chose him as my father in this lifetime for reasons that finally became clear when he passed and I could get the messages more clearly.
Communication can be clearer in many ways when the spirit is freed from the body-mind-ego. I’ve been experiencing this with Jason’s spirit, and that is why I am often feeling the gratitude even stronger than the sadness. I chose Jason as my son in this lifetime, to give and receive gifts, and I have.
I posted the first shared message on Jason’s Facebook Wall today. I didn’t want to feel like an intruder into his private life, with so many dear friends pouring their hearts out in messages written to Jason. It felt right to join in, and his friends know that I have been reading his Facebook since he passed. It is another way to communicate with my friend Jason, just like all his other friends are doing. And it felt so good - it brought forth tears that joined in the waterfall of tears shared by all these on-line souls, a ritual of cleansing and sharing in the journey of life and death.
We are all connected.
Here’s a poem Jason wrote May-June 2009 that speaks to me of connecting with the other side:
A subtle shift in the movement of the clouds
This canopy of dim protection
Something quiet, something still
A lull in space and time until
A heightening fog in the growth of the dawn
This ominous birth of something new
Always quiet, never still
A crack in space and time until
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Communicating with the Other Side
How do we communicate with the “other side”? I’m guessing the same ways we communicate and connect non-verbally with those alive, and more.
I felt Jason’s presence at the Thanksgiving table when I joked about how our dear vegetarian Jason could join us for the first time in this wonderful meal without getting repulsed by the smell of meat. Humor was always a way we connected. I could sense his joy with everyone’s laughter and lightness, reminiscing old times without needing to dwell on the loss.
I’ve written about how I have received messages from Jason (such as Message 29 Bridging the Worlds), and I have been curious about why some of the messages have been so clear, when so many people don’t receive as clear messages from their departed, and others received even clearer ones. I feel blessed to feel Jason with me, and also believe that anyone can connect with the other side if they believe they can.
I communicated best with Jason non-verbally when he was alive, and I believe that’s why I could communicate with him right away when he passed. When he was alive, he spent a lot of time on the other side, being a visionary, doing his creative work, not being as grounded on this plane, finding his way into adulthood with some resistance of being in the “real world”, and having profound spiritual experiences with his art and with Art of Living courses (including 5 days of silence a few weeks before he passed – I’ve never done that!). He already knew how to connect from that side, and he taught me when he was alive. I of course believed in the world of spirit outside the body for many years, with the Vedic and Buddhist philosophies and meditation and shamanic practices, and hanging out with my healer friends who speak about the world of spirit perhaps as much as the physical plane.
I’ve heard many bereaved parents say they wished they could connect with their child’s spirit, as if they weren’t already. Then I hear them share how they feel a blanket of peace in bed that feels like what it was like to be with their child, or see their child in a store, or feel them in their heart in a special way. I believe any of these ways of connecting is communicating with their spirit. When we recognize it as that, then we attract more connection. We shift to believing that we can connect.
I was awake at 4:44 AM after not being able to sleep and decided to tune into Jason. I looked at the digital clock again sideways, and saw the 4:44 upside down as hh:h. I got that sense that a communication was happening, and I heard Jason’s ha ha ha, just pulling my leg, lightening me up to help me sleep. It worked.
I got the message to write this blog. I’m being told I have a lot to share with others on a similar grieving journey, and with others who can benefit from my experiences in other ways. So I keep writing, and I know it is healing for at least one person – me.
Fake it til you make it. I wrote about this in Imagination 9/9/09.
When I want connection with Jason, I pretend he is there, communicating with him the way we used to, listening to music in the car as if he were enjoying it with me, making silly noises that he would return with 50-fold silliness and creativity, feeling him hug my back or cuddle with me on the couch with the TV. When we believe, we create.
Everything is energy. Quantum physicists have proven this. Our body is energy. Every matter is energy. Thoughts are energy. Beliefs are energy. Memories are energy. What’s the difference? The only difference is form and how we perceive the form.
If we can’t see it, we can assume it is not there. How often are humans told as children to stop making things up and grow up? What if we never got those messages? What if we were brought up the way Jason was, being able to experience the magic of everything “real” and “unreal” without being judged? I’m learning from the one I taught, without realizing what I was creating, and now reaping the benefits.
Then there are the numerous beliefs about what happens to the spirit after the body dies. Does it go to heaven? Does it go to hell? Does it linger on earth resolving unfinished business? Does it go right into another life? So if there is life after death, then that means we can’t connect with that person’s spirit anymore?
I believe that when the body drops, the ego-mind drops as well. The spirit is finally free of ego and limitations, able to expand and experience the infinite peace that perhaps wasn’t achievable in the body, that was tied to the active mind controlling perceived reality. The spirit may carry ego patterns with it to another life, and the next mind-body may pick up those old limitations to work out in that next lifetime.
I also believe time doesn’t exist. Scientists can’t prove it does. The movie What the Bleep talks about parallel universes and infinite possibilities at all times. I believe that the soul is available all the “time”, in the body, out of the body, in the next body. It is always available.
It is my goal to have soul communication when I am in my body, way before I die, trusting it continues when my body drops, and experiencing the unbounded wonder as much as possible NOW, in every moment. Connecting with Jason’s spirit, his essence, is giving me more access to what this feels like, and that is such a gift. I become more aware of the human limitations, and I am getting better at accepting them when I am not able to move past them. I hold myself, as I held Jason as a child when he had his tantrums, feeling so limited by his small young body. We all have so much to express in life!
So enjoy faking it til you make it, making what you want to create in your life, including connections with all the wonderful souls you find in this lifetime and beyond.
Blessings,
Michelle
I felt Jason’s presence at the Thanksgiving table when I joked about how our dear vegetarian Jason could join us for the first time in this wonderful meal without getting repulsed by the smell of meat. Humor was always a way we connected. I could sense his joy with everyone’s laughter and lightness, reminiscing old times without needing to dwell on the loss.
I’ve written about how I have received messages from Jason (such as Message 29 Bridging the Worlds), and I have been curious about why some of the messages have been so clear, when so many people don’t receive as clear messages from their departed, and others received even clearer ones. I feel blessed to feel Jason with me, and also believe that anyone can connect with the other side if they believe they can.
I communicated best with Jason non-verbally when he was alive, and I believe that’s why I could communicate with him right away when he passed. When he was alive, he spent a lot of time on the other side, being a visionary, doing his creative work, not being as grounded on this plane, finding his way into adulthood with some resistance of being in the “real world”, and having profound spiritual experiences with his art and with Art of Living courses (including 5 days of silence a few weeks before he passed – I’ve never done that!). He already knew how to connect from that side, and he taught me when he was alive. I of course believed in the world of spirit outside the body for many years, with the Vedic and Buddhist philosophies and meditation and shamanic practices, and hanging out with my healer friends who speak about the world of spirit perhaps as much as the physical plane.
I’ve heard many bereaved parents say they wished they could connect with their child’s spirit, as if they weren’t already. Then I hear them share how they feel a blanket of peace in bed that feels like what it was like to be with their child, or see their child in a store, or feel them in their heart in a special way. I believe any of these ways of connecting is communicating with their spirit. When we recognize it as that, then we attract more connection. We shift to believing that we can connect.
I was awake at 4:44 AM after not being able to sleep and decided to tune into Jason. I looked at the digital clock again sideways, and saw the 4:44 upside down as hh:h. I got that sense that a communication was happening, and I heard Jason’s ha ha ha, just pulling my leg, lightening me up to help me sleep. It worked.
I got the message to write this blog. I’m being told I have a lot to share with others on a similar grieving journey, and with others who can benefit from my experiences in other ways. So I keep writing, and I know it is healing for at least one person – me.
Fake it til you make it. I wrote about this in Imagination 9/9/09.
When I want connection with Jason, I pretend he is there, communicating with him the way we used to, listening to music in the car as if he were enjoying it with me, making silly noises that he would return with 50-fold silliness and creativity, feeling him hug my back or cuddle with me on the couch with the TV. When we believe, we create.
Everything is energy. Quantum physicists have proven this. Our body is energy. Every matter is energy. Thoughts are energy. Beliefs are energy. Memories are energy. What’s the difference? The only difference is form and how we perceive the form.
If we can’t see it, we can assume it is not there. How often are humans told as children to stop making things up and grow up? What if we never got those messages? What if we were brought up the way Jason was, being able to experience the magic of everything “real” and “unreal” without being judged? I’m learning from the one I taught, without realizing what I was creating, and now reaping the benefits.
Then there are the numerous beliefs about what happens to the spirit after the body dies. Does it go to heaven? Does it go to hell? Does it linger on earth resolving unfinished business? Does it go right into another life? So if there is life after death, then that means we can’t connect with that person’s spirit anymore?
I believe that when the body drops, the ego-mind drops as well. The spirit is finally free of ego and limitations, able to expand and experience the infinite peace that perhaps wasn’t achievable in the body, that was tied to the active mind controlling perceived reality. The spirit may carry ego patterns with it to another life, and the next mind-body may pick up those old limitations to work out in that next lifetime.
I also believe time doesn’t exist. Scientists can’t prove it does. The movie What the Bleep talks about parallel universes and infinite possibilities at all times. I believe that the soul is available all the “time”, in the body, out of the body, in the next body. It is always available.
It is my goal to have soul communication when I am in my body, way before I die, trusting it continues when my body drops, and experiencing the unbounded wonder as much as possible NOW, in every moment. Connecting with Jason’s spirit, his essence, is giving me more access to what this feels like, and that is such a gift. I become more aware of the human limitations, and I am getting better at accepting them when I am not able to move past them. I hold myself, as I held Jason as a child when he had his tantrums, feeling so limited by his small young body. We all have so much to express in life!
So enjoy faking it til you make it, making what you want to create in your life, including connections with all the wonderful souls you find in this lifetime and beyond.
Blessings,
Michelle
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Celebration of Life
I’ve been celebrating Thanksgiving since Jason died, and it will always be Thanksgiving. I am so grateful for having had him in my life and I celebrate his life daily. He lives in his art that decorates our walls and his memorial website (www.plutonicfluf.com) , the music and silly recordings that fill my iphone and the CDs we are making, the funny home videos, the discovered poetry I continue to type up to be shared, the touching and entertaining messages from friends who talk to him on Facebook and DeviantArt, the messages and sensations he sends me to let me know he is still with me, the inspiration I get from my connection with him, the healing so many received from him, the new sweet energy of his favorite cat Annaper, and the simple things that are too numerous to describe, even his smell on his comforter I do not plan to wash.
Celebrating Jason’s life is celebrating my own.
Jason’s memorial service August 10 was a celebration of his life. When we celebrate life, we feel aliveness.
I saw endless radiant faces at the end of Jason’s ceremony, including my own. There were tears of sadness, mixed with the joy of having shared time on this earth with this awesome soul, and discovering more and more about what he gave to others and how he fit so much into his life before he passed. There was a tidal wave of inspiration, and as we swam in the disorientation, submerged in the unknown, we felt the unconditional love of our dear Jason and all the love we have shared reflected back to us. We danced to the drums of his soul’s rhythm, and sang “Love Is All There Is”, swaying in the collective consciousness. I will never forget the joy of sharing this with my friends and Jason’s friends together, both generations merged, as Jason and I were and are merged in spirit.
It was this consciousness that held me up through my sharing (the “Lighten Up” message) and the one-hour receiving line. It was like a mystical dream, hugged by so many loving people, many I haven’t seen in years and many of his friends I finally got to meet, who came out to celebrate Jason and support us. I don’t think I shed one tear in that timeless hour, and I treasured all of the stories people shared about Jason and how he touched their life and made them laugh and be in awe. I was in the moment, the way Jason has always taught me to be, enjoying each gift.
So many shared how this was the most beautiful ceremony they have ever experienced. Those not readily open to the “spiritual” scene shared how much they liked the slow trance-like Art of Living chanting of Om Namo Shivaya; high school students have since mentioned they would like to have this open a tribute evening to Jason’s music that they are planning. Others commented on how different this ceremony was, not the somber serious kind. Jason didn’t like religion because there was too much dogma for him, and he wouldn’t have chosen to go to church. But the church was an awesome place for this gathering, and he would have loved the modern stained glass windows. He definitely got a kick out of the sweat lodge that was unintentionally created when the AC didn’t function; it was a shamanic experience for all, and we survived!
The ceremony was created from love and attention to beauty, by our dear friends and those who Jason also knew and loved in life. Annika put her heart and soul into planning the ceremony, and it was perfect that she had recently been ordained minister so she could have this special role. The candle and rose petal rituals were powerful, and the space was created for magic. My brother Michael put his heart and soul into writing the eulogy that captured Jason perfectly and created awe in the room of celebration. Caren opened with her angelic voice and singing bowl; the high school students thought that was pretty awesome, too. My friend Michael shared his gift of Celtic song, and gave me the special pre-ceremony gift of doing soul song with me, that prepared me well for this special evening. My sister Mariana and niece Nicole prepared beautiful framed photos and collages of Jason’s life, with the help of my mom Blanca; this provided an enchanting hallway for the long receiving line. My brother Al came out from California, representing his wife Nancy and dear nieces Mia and Talia (who created the sweetest cards) to be there for whatever I needed, with his miles of errands, endless energy, and technical support for the slideshow. Ravi provided a great sound system; Jason was pleased at how his music sounded. My dear friend Marie-Ann, who told the story of how drumming tunes into the spirit, jumped on a plane from Texas with her children (and Jason’s “cousins”, having grown up together) Julia and Christopher, who contributed hours of electronic support and retrieval of photos for the ceremony, along with my nephew Jeremy (who inherited Jason’s drums to start using his natural talent!). It was so special to have Jason’s best friends sitting up front with the family and Jason’s godmother M.A., and hearing Gus and Noah share their amazingly articulated and heartfelt thoughts about Jason. The written sharings of all who attended are treasures, along with so many heartful cards and emails we received.
And of course the best part of the ceremony was the part Jason created - a slideshow of his photography and his music. I couldn't help but rock my body to the beat of his WestWinds song - it felt so powerful, and it felt he was there rocking with me.
The reception couldn’t have happened without Kerry, Sarah, and others in the kitchen coordinating hundreds of potluck items (why potluck, some asked? It is more personal, receiving a piece of everyone’s hearts, and Jason and I love it that way.) The marimba playing by Jason’s talented percussion ensemble-mate Steve, and the drumming circle led by Jon, Lisa, and Ukumbwa lent the magical soundscape that Jason and I always thrived on. I am hearing piecemeal details of the ceremony, and all that my family and friends did to keep it running. There were so many people from far away that were there with us, and so many behind the scenes that did so much. Joan prepared the program and had it printed without me having to know any details – so much was manifested magically. All of my friends and family were in service, helping seat people, comforting the sad, being with me. I felt continually supported, and local friends like Charlene, Dianna, Bobbie, and Lakshmi were just there for me and Kule and Chuck. The healing we received from dear friends and powerful healers like Patrick, Bobbie, Gail, Marie-Ann, Liz, Nancy, and Tony revitalized me. The Avatar and Art of Living practices that Kule and I do have been incredibly supportive. The nurturing we received with massage (thanks especially to Jenny!) and the abundance of food that was brought to us during that challenging time is indescribable. So many thanks to all who supported us in so many ways. I could spend another page acknowledging individuals, and I know you know how grateful I am.
Spreading Jason’s ashes in Hull with Erin’s ashes with her family, in “Jason’s cove” in Gloucester with Chuck’s and my family, and in “Jason’s swimhole” in NH with Kule and “auntie” Christine were all incredibly powerful rituals in celebrating his life, returning him to the earth and water that he enjoyed so much in his time here. I’ve written about these rituals in the Messages, and the photos capture the magic.
I will never forget the bonding that Chuck, Kule, and I have had since we got the news at the hospital. It’s an incredible blessing to have a life partner who cares about my ex-husband Chuck the way I do. Chuck helped to manifest Jason, who always wanted his parents to be happy, and accepted his parents’ partners as extended family. I am so grateful to all three of them.
We are all family. A toast to all of us at Thanksgiving as we share life’s harvest.
Love,
Michelle
Celebrating Jason’s life is celebrating my own.
Jason’s memorial service August 10 was a celebration of his life. When we celebrate life, we feel aliveness.
I saw endless radiant faces at the end of Jason’s ceremony, including my own. There were tears of sadness, mixed with the joy of having shared time on this earth with this awesome soul, and discovering more and more about what he gave to others and how he fit so much into his life before he passed. There was a tidal wave of inspiration, and as we swam in the disorientation, submerged in the unknown, we felt the unconditional love of our dear Jason and all the love we have shared reflected back to us. We danced to the drums of his soul’s rhythm, and sang “Love Is All There Is”, swaying in the collective consciousness. I will never forget the joy of sharing this with my friends and Jason’s friends together, both generations merged, as Jason and I were and are merged in spirit.
It was this consciousness that held me up through my sharing (the “Lighten Up” message) and the one-hour receiving line. It was like a mystical dream, hugged by so many loving people, many I haven’t seen in years and many of his friends I finally got to meet, who came out to celebrate Jason and support us. I don’t think I shed one tear in that timeless hour, and I treasured all of the stories people shared about Jason and how he touched their life and made them laugh and be in awe. I was in the moment, the way Jason has always taught me to be, enjoying each gift.
So many shared how this was the most beautiful ceremony they have ever experienced. Those not readily open to the “spiritual” scene shared how much they liked the slow trance-like Art of Living chanting of Om Namo Shivaya; high school students have since mentioned they would like to have this open a tribute evening to Jason’s music that they are planning. Others commented on how different this ceremony was, not the somber serious kind. Jason didn’t like religion because there was too much dogma for him, and he wouldn’t have chosen to go to church. But the church was an awesome place for this gathering, and he would have loved the modern stained glass windows. He definitely got a kick out of the sweat lodge that was unintentionally created when the AC didn’t function; it was a shamanic experience for all, and we survived!
The ceremony was created from love and attention to beauty, by our dear friends and those who Jason also knew and loved in life. Annika put her heart and soul into planning the ceremony, and it was perfect that she had recently been ordained minister so she could have this special role. The candle and rose petal rituals were powerful, and the space was created for magic. My brother Michael put his heart and soul into writing the eulogy that captured Jason perfectly and created awe in the room of celebration. Caren opened with her angelic voice and singing bowl; the high school students thought that was pretty awesome, too. My friend Michael shared his gift of Celtic song, and gave me the special pre-ceremony gift of doing soul song with me, that prepared me well for this special evening. My sister Mariana and niece Nicole prepared beautiful framed photos and collages of Jason’s life, with the help of my mom Blanca; this provided an enchanting hallway for the long receiving line. My brother Al came out from California, representing his wife Nancy and dear nieces Mia and Talia (who created the sweetest cards) to be there for whatever I needed, with his miles of errands, endless energy, and technical support for the slideshow. Ravi provided a great sound system; Jason was pleased at how his music sounded. My dear friend Marie-Ann, who told the story of how drumming tunes into the spirit, jumped on a plane from Texas with her children (and Jason’s “cousins”, having grown up together) Julia and Christopher, who contributed hours of electronic support and retrieval of photos for the ceremony, along with my nephew Jeremy (who inherited Jason’s drums to start using his natural talent!). It was so special to have Jason’s best friends sitting up front with the family and Jason’s godmother M.A., and hearing Gus and Noah share their amazingly articulated and heartfelt thoughts about Jason. The written sharings of all who attended are treasures, along with so many heartful cards and emails we received.
And of course the best part of the ceremony was the part Jason created - a slideshow of his photography and his music. I couldn't help but rock my body to the beat of his WestWinds song - it felt so powerful, and it felt he was there rocking with me.
The reception couldn’t have happened without Kerry, Sarah, and others in the kitchen coordinating hundreds of potluck items (why potluck, some asked? It is more personal, receiving a piece of everyone’s hearts, and Jason and I love it that way.) The marimba playing by Jason’s talented percussion ensemble-mate Steve, and the drumming circle led by Jon, Lisa, and Ukumbwa lent the magical soundscape that Jason and I always thrived on. I am hearing piecemeal details of the ceremony, and all that my family and friends did to keep it running. There were so many people from far away that were there with us, and so many behind the scenes that did so much. Joan prepared the program and had it printed without me having to know any details – so much was manifested magically. All of my friends and family were in service, helping seat people, comforting the sad, being with me. I felt continually supported, and local friends like Charlene, Dianna, Bobbie, and Lakshmi were just there for me and Kule and Chuck. The healing we received from dear friends and powerful healers like Patrick, Bobbie, Gail, Marie-Ann, Liz, Nancy, and Tony revitalized me. The Avatar and Art of Living practices that Kule and I do have been incredibly supportive. The nurturing we received with massage (thanks especially to Jenny!) and the abundance of food that was brought to us during that challenging time is indescribable. So many thanks to all who supported us in so many ways. I could spend another page acknowledging individuals, and I know you know how grateful I am.
Spreading Jason’s ashes in Hull with Erin’s ashes with her family, in “Jason’s cove” in Gloucester with Chuck’s and my family, and in “Jason’s swimhole” in NH with Kule and “auntie” Christine were all incredibly powerful rituals in celebrating his life, returning him to the earth and water that he enjoyed so much in his time here. I’ve written about these rituals in the Messages, and the photos capture the magic.
I will never forget the bonding that Chuck, Kule, and I have had since we got the news at the hospital. It’s an incredible blessing to have a life partner who cares about my ex-husband Chuck the way I do. Chuck helped to manifest Jason, who always wanted his parents to be happy, and accepted his parents’ partners as extended family. I am so grateful to all three of them.
We are all family. A toast to all of us at Thanksgiving as we share life’s harvest.
Love,
Michelle
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Message 31 - Don't Worry Be Happy
Don’t Worry Be Happy
Even though Jason might not have used that exact phrase, that was his mantra. He is telling me this quite loudly this morning.
It’s also an old favorite song from an amazing musician Bobby McFerrin. I couldn’t remember his name, and I got it when I turned on Music Choice on my TV this morning – the first song was one by Bobby McFerrin. Another gift from spirit, aka Jason!
Jason would tell me often not to worry. He would be intense about letting me know, too. When he was a small child, his father Chuck and I would call him our barometer. He would react to stress in the house by fussing and annoying us physically or with sounds. He could be intensely funny, to lighten up situations. As a teenager he would tell us directly and commandingly to stop worrying, sometimes to the point of seeming rude. But he was always right. I often let him know that.
He’s nagging me now. He’s making ridiculous sounds and faces to get my attention, to make me laugh and be in the moment. It’s actually working, Jason. I can’t see you, but I can feel you doing this, like old times. You’re getting me to laugh and cry at the same time. You are giving me a tremendous gift, reminding me to enjoy life no matter what. I know you want me to be happy, no doubt about that. I know I can be happy even though I lost a child, no doubt about that. I trust you are where your soul wants to be, and I am working on trusting that my soul is where I want to be.
So what am I worried about? Us humans can worry about anything. But we forget we have the ability to choose what we worry about. I’m not choosing to worry about not having friends or money or other essential things in life, I know I will always have what I need on the physical plane. What Jason is reminding me is that I can have whatever I want in life at the level of spirit.
I discovered a worry last night. I discovered I am worried that I will let Jason down; he is giving me so many gifts in his passing. Will I fully “follow my passion” as he has done? I am choosing to worry about this at some level. Just writing about it brings more awareness.
Jason wants me to be happy, to be in the moment. Worrying takes me out of the moment.
His mantra is actually:
Don’t Worry – Be
So then my mind says “What do I want to be?” “Who do I want to be?” “How do I want to be?” “Where do I want to be?” …….then I see how silly my mind can get.
But I’ve not only lost my precious son, I’ve lost an identity of being a mother, living in Ipswich, making a certain living to maintain our lifestyle and help Jason through college, etc etc. It’s brought up a lot of emotion, confusion. I’m in a huge integration process. Jason is helping me big time by telling me not to worry, to just Be and that will be Me, and that will make me happy.
He’s so right.
Last night he gave me the idea to write down all the things I would do if I didn’t have to make money. I felt some excitement; he’s on to something here. I thought of so many things I do now, even in my corporate work, that I would do because I enjoy doing them. I had just returned from teaching a course in Northeastern to pharmacy graduate students. I had a great time with them, I enjoy teaching and helping others meet their goals. I thought of so many other things, such as music and writing and dancing and travel. I got cozy in bed with a pad of paper, ready to write so much, feeling it would give me such comfort and passion.
I wrote: Be.
Then I felt complete and slept through the night.
Jason, just keep reminding me the way you always have. You’re awesome.
P.S. A week ago we had a powerful house blessing, a generous gift from Mary Stewart of FengShui Boston. On the altar Kule and I included items representing what we want to manifest going forward in our new life, next to pictures of us and Jason. I put my CD recordings next to Jason’s CD to inspire getting my album together and recording more music, titles of books I plan to write, and intentions for teaching about manifesting, grieving, and living life fully. It’s not a coincidence that I went through the California wave and these strong reminders from Jason. It’s all helped me to continue to integrate. Last night I used the Intuition aromatherapy (“aura infusion”), a gift from Bobbie Courtney, before going to sleep. It’s not a coincidence that Jason came in strongly this morning; I’m so guided and supported.
And I’m almost ready to dance, my ankle is strong again!
See www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com for all of Jason’s messages and writings of my grieving journey.
Even though Jason might not have used that exact phrase, that was his mantra. He is telling me this quite loudly this morning.
It’s also an old favorite song from an amazing musician Bobby McFerrin. I couldn’t remember his name, and I got it when I turned on Music Choice on my TV this morning – the first song was one by Bobby McFerrin. Another gift from spirit, aka Jason!
Jason would tell me often not to worry. He would be intense about letting me know, too. When he was a small child, his father Chuck and I would call him our barometer. He would react to stress in the house by fussing and annoying us physically or with sounds. He could be intensely funny, to lighten up situations. As a teenager he would tell us directly and commandingly to stop worrying, sometimes to the point of seeming rude. But he was always right. I often let him know that.
He’s nagging me now. He’s making ridiculous sounds and faces to get my attention, to make me laugh and be in the moment. It’s actually working, Jason. I can’t see you, but I can feel you doing this, like old times. You’re getting me to laugh and cry at the same time. You are giving me a tremendous gift, reminding me to enjoy life no matter what. I know you want me to be happy, no doubt about that. I know I can be happy even though I lost a child, no doubt about that. I trust you are where your soul wants to be, and I am working on trusting that my soul is where I want to be.
So what am I worried about? Us humans can worry about anything. But we forget we have the ability to choose what we worry about. I’m not choosing to worry about not having friends or money or other essential things in life, I know I will always have what I need on the physical plane. What Jason is reminding me is that I can have whatever I want in life at the level of spirit.
I discovered a worry last night. I discovered I am worried that I will let Jason down; he is giving me so many gifts in his passing. Will I fully “follow my passion” as he has done? I am choosing to worry about this at some level. Just writing about it brings more awareness.
Jason wants me to be happy, to be in the moment. Worrying takes me out of the moment.
His mantra is actually:
Don’t Worry – Be
So then my mind says “What do I want to be?” “Who do I want to be?” “How do I want to be?” “Where do I want to be?” …….then I see how silly my mind can get.
But I’ve not only lost my precious son, I’ve lost an identity of being a mother, living in Ipswich, making a certain living to maintain our lifestyle and help Jason through college, etc etc. It’s brought up a lot of emotion, confusion. I’m in a huge integration process. Jason is helping me big time by telling me not to worry, to just Be and that will be Me, and that will make me happy.
He’s so right.
Last night he gave me the idea to write down all the things I would do if I didn’t have to make money. I felt some excitement; he’s on to something here. I thought of so many things I do now, even in my corporate work, that I would do because I enjoy doing them. I had just returned from teaching a course in Northeastern to pharmacy graduate students. I had a great time with them, I enjoy teaching and helping others meet their goals. I thought of so many other things, such as music and writing and dancing and travel. I got cozy in bed with a pad of paper, ready to write so much, feeling it would give me such comfort and passion.
I wrote: Be.
Then I felt complete and slept through the night.
Jason, just keep reminding me the way you always have. You’re awesome.
P.S. A week ago we had a powerful house blessing, a generous gift from Mary Stewart of FengShui Boston. On the altar Kule and I included items representing what we want to manifest going forward in our new life, next to pictures of us and Jason. I put my CD recordings next to Jason’s CD to inspire getting my album together and recording more music, titles of books I plan to write, and intentions for teaching about manifesting, grieving, and living life fully. It’s not a coincidence that I went through the California wave and these strong reminders from Jason. It’s all helped me to continue to integrate. Last night I used the Intuition aromatherapy (“aura infusion”), a gift from Bobbie Courtney, before going to sleep. It’s not a coincidence that Jason came in strongly this morning; I’m so guided and supported.
And I’m almost ready to dance, my ankle is strong again!
See www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com for all of Jason’s messages and writings of my grieving journey.
Monday, November 23, 2009
California Connections
California dreaming…..and triggers….
Being in San Diego this past week for a conference brought up a lot for me, and it felt like a dream. Last time I was in California was with Jason, and I was missing him so much. I was reminded of how much he liked California and saw himself going to college there. It reminded me of my dream to move somewhere warm and adventurous with Kule, like California, when Jason went to college next year. Maybe we would have moved together. Yes, we will move together, we will always be together. We are together now, and yet I miss him so much. It feels so unreal. Nothing is real except the present moment.
My trip was a journey in exploring the present moment, the beauty that brings, and the deeper connection I get with Jason and anyone, dead or alive. It was a hard journey, and also rich with gifts.
I enjoyed being in the moment in my pleasant interactions with work colleagues, and getting closer to friends. I was in my flow delivering my presentation with my session speakers, and it was well received. I was very present with my new client, and it flowed. My past fears about both of those events dissolved. It was a blessing that my first business trip away from my grieving cocoon was in a small conference, in a city I really like, with many people I know well and who know about my loss and who welcomed me with caring thoughts and hugs. My healing sprained ankle was happy not to have to walk too far in this small venue at my hotel. I hobbled up to my room at the end of the day, bathed and iced my ankle, got room service, and went to bed Boston time. It was easy to ignore small voices in my head telling me I’m missing out on great business networking and fun out on the town. I was taking care of myself, and I was surprised at how exhausted I was. I’ve been told grief can be exhausting, and I’ve thrown jet lag and a sprained ankle on top of that. That hotel bed felt so unbelievably good. I felt held. I slept like a baby.
I sat in presence on a beach bench in Del Mar, feeling the sun warm me, the light breeze caress me, and the surfer waves wash over me. I got lost in the consciousness of all there is. I let the tears flow as I looked around for signs of Jason in the clouds, wishing he were with me, sitting with me in his deep presence, and with his camera, capturing the beauty in his way. I watched my mind, and tried an experiment.
Instead of looking actively for Jason in nature and in my memories, I connected with the love of the divine mother embracing me. I immediately felt my deep motherly love for Jason, and felt his presence strongly. I was reminded how powerfully love brings me into the beauty of the moment.
I stayed with friends in San Diego, welcomed warmly into their beautiful home. I had been crying through a wave of grief on the way to their house, and conversation with my friend Maureen about grieving and spirituality brought me back into that presence, enjoying fully my time with her and her family. I received the divine mother embrace. It didn’t even trigger me when I found out their teenage son was a tecchie, just like Jason. It was a joy watching Maureen cuddle with her daughter, as I used to do with Jason when he was younger. As I was driving to the airport, I found my mind being active again, wondering what I am doing and where I will end up, being in post-loss transition. I was able to be with the thoughts and the feelings, as hard as it was, without judgments or expectations. It’s just what is right now.
I wanted to be alone at dinner in the airport, and I was placed next to two overly-friendly Floridian businessman on their way back from Shanghai. Another opportunity to be in the moment. I truly enjoyed their congeniality; enjoying them enjoying themselves. I am never alone.
Another gift, this one was certainly from Jason. It’s the first time I’ve travelled where I could see land the entire journey, from San Diego to Chicago. This was the land he loved most - the Southwest, and it was showing me its greatest beauty – the vast desert, sculpted canyons, ancient riverbeds, glaciers, snow-topped peaks, and endless mountains. I felt I was seeing this through his camera, with mystical lighting and filter effects created by the distant clouds and setting sun. It was breathtaking, and I got to share it with Jason, capturing a few photos as he used to do. The last leg from Chicago to Boston was the same leg we shared coming back from San Francisco in July, a week before he passed to the other side. I watched comedy shows, reminiscing our laughter together on that trip, and practiced being in the moment.
I was in Kule’s arms again. I had held back the tears on the plane, and now the dam was up and the flood of tears came, releasing more. This was my current moment, and then I was present with Kule, in that joy.
So this is grief. This is life. Being with what is, all the contrasts of experiences. Grateful for all the gifts….
Will I move to California? I don’t know. What I do know is that I can be at home anywhere I am when I stay in the moment and connected to love.
That’s the spirit of California, feeling the warmth and aliveness!
It was so great travelling with you again, Jason, dude.
Love,
Mom
Being in San Diego this past week for a conference brought up a lot for me, and it felt like a dream. Last time I was in California was with Jason, and I was missing him so much. I was reminded of how much he liked California and saw himself going to college there. It reminded me of my dream to move somewhere warm and adventurous with Kule, like California, when Jason went to college next year. Maybe we would have moved together. Yes, we will move together, we will always be together. We are together now, and yet I miss him so much. It feels so unreal. Nothing is real except the present moment.
My trip was a journey in exploring the present moment, the beauty that brings, and the deeper connection I get with Jason and anyone, dead or alive. It was a hard journey, and also rich with gifts.
I enjoyed being in the moment in my pleasant interactions with work colleagues, and getting closer to friends. I was in my flow delivering my presentation with my session speakers, and it was well received. I was very present with my new client, and it flowed. My past fears about both of those events dissolved. It was a blessing that my first business trip away from my grieving cocoon was in a small conference, in a city I really like, with many people I know well and who know about my loss and who welcomed me with caring thoughts and hugs. My healing sprained ankle was happy not to have to walk too far in this small venue at my hotel. I hobbled up to my room at the end of the day, bathed and iced my ankle, got room service, and went to bed Boston time. It was easy to ignore small voices in my head telling me I’m missing out on great business networking and fun out on the town. I was taking care of myself, and I was surprised at how exhausted I was. I’ve been told grief can be exhausting, and I’ve thrown jet lag and a sprained ankle on top of that. That hotel bed felt so unbelievably good. I felt held. I slept like a baby.
I sat in presence on a beach bench in Del Mar, feeling the sun warm me, the light breeze caress me, and the surfer waves wash over me. I got lost in the consciousness of all there is. I let the tears flow as I looked around for signs of Jason in the clouds, wishing he were with me, sitting with me in his deep presence, and with his camera, capturing the beauty in his way. I watched my mind, and tried an experiment.
Instead of looking actively for Jason in nature and in my memories, I connected with the love of the divine mother embracing me. I immediately felt my deep motherly love for Jason, and felt his presence strongly. I was reminded how powerfully love brings me into the beauty of the moment.
I stayed with friends in San Diego, welcomed warmly into their beautiful home. I had been crying through a wave of grief on the way to their house, and conversation with my friend Maureen about grieving and spirituality brought me back into that presence, enjoying fully my time with her and her family. I received the divine mother embrace. It didn’t even trigger me when I found out their teenage son was a tecchie, just like Jason. It was a joy watching Maureen cuddle with her daughter, as I used to do with Jason when he was younger. As I was driving to the airport, I found my mind being active again, wondering what I am doing and where I will end up, being in post-loss transition. I was able to be with the thoughts and the feelings, as hard as it was, without judgments or expectations. It’s just what is right now.
I wanted to be alone at dinner in the airport, and I was placed next to two overly-friendly Floridian businessman on their way back from Shanghai. Another opportunity to be in the moment. I truly enjoyed their congeniality; enjoying them enjoying themselves. I am never alone.
Another gift, this one was certainly from Jason. It’s the first time I’ve travelled where I could see land the entire journey, from San Diego to Chicago. This was the land he loved most - the Southwest, and it was showing me its greatest beauty – the vast desert, sculpted canyons, ancient riverbeds, glaciers, snow-topped peaks, and endless mountains. I felt I was seeing this through his camera, with mystical lighting and filter effects created by the distant clouds and setting sun. It was breathtaking, and I got to share it with Jason, capturing a few photos as he used to do. The last leg from Chicago to Boston was the same leg we shared coming back from San Francisco in July, a week before he passed to the other side. I watched comedy shows, reminiscing our laughter together on that trip, and practiced being in the moment.
I was in Kule’s arms again. I had held back the tears on the plane, and now the dam was up and the flood of tears came, releasing more. This was my current moment, and then I was present with Kule, in that joy.
So this is grief. This is life. Being with what is, all the contrasts of experiences. Grateful for all the gifts….
Will I move to California? I don’t know. What I do know is that I can be at home anywhere I am when I stay in the moment and connected to love.
That’s the spirit of California, feeling the warmth and aliveness!
It was so great travelling with you again, Jason, dude.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Jason's Universal Messages
Jason’s messages are universal, and I’m summarizing them for the “mainstream”; you don’t have to believe in life after death or psychic phenomena to benefit from them. I’ve distilled this down to 17, Jason’s earth age.
I’m curious to get any comments on this, and if there is anything else you got from Jason’s 30 messages. They’ve helped me so much on my grieving journey. Many are reminders of what I’ve embraced, but how they came to me through my connection with Jason was very powerful.
1) We limit ourselves with our minds; if we believe this, we can see more options to create what we want.
2) Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love.
3) When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.
4) Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are.
5) Follow your passion, it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own.
6) We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us.
7) We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs.
8) There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion.
9) Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more to be grateful for. Practice being grateful often.
10) If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth.
11) Surrender. Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Let the love and healing in. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine.
12) There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience.
13) Wisdom comes in many forms, and often not what we expect – from dreams (the unknown), from an inner knowing (intuition), from young people (“old souls”), and from nature. Be open to learning new things and ways; lift your filters. Gifts are waiting to be received if we are open to seeing them.
14) We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen.
15) We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with the essence of your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it ain’t there!
16) Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.
17) Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.
I’m curious to get any comments on this, and if there is anything else you got from Jason’s 30 messages. They’ve helped me so much on my grieving journey. Many are reminders of what I’ve embraced, but how they came to me through my connection with Jason was very powerful.
1) We limit ourselves with our minds; if we believe this, we can see more options to create what we want.
2) Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love.
3) When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.
4) Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are.
5) Follow your passion, it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own.
6) We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us.
7) We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs.
8) There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion.
9) Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more to be grateful for. Practice being grateful often.
10) If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth.
11) Surrender. Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Let the love and healing in. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine.
12) There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience.
13) Wisdom comes in many forms, and often not what we expect – from dreams (the unknown), from an inner knowing (intuition), from young people (“old souls”), and from nature. Be open to learning new things and ways; lift your filters. Gifts are waiting to be received if we are open to seeing them.
14) We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen.
15) We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with the essence of your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it ain’t there!
16) Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.
17) Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tsunami, 11/10/09
When Jason left his body it created a powerful energy wave, a tsunami. In its wake there has been chaos, cleansing, renewal, and miracles.
A tsunami has destructive energy that reminds me of the goddess Kali. She destroys that which no longer serves us – the ego, old patterns, fears, and limitations to our evolution. She holds us in divine love through the chaos, giving us courage to ride the storm.
I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.
Grief is so complex. It’s not just about missing someone. There is so much that surfaces; it’s an opportunity to see more clearly what is waiting to get healed – the beliefs and fears and limitations to what we want to create in life. The loss is felt on the physical plane, and yet so much was stirred up from the depths of the sea, treasures we might not have found otherwise. We realize we gained in some ways more than we lost. We discover more about ourselves and feel the resurfacing of our own beauty and power. When we love someone so much, that love is returned to us in their death. Even strangers who heard about Jason’s story were moved to feeling some significant personal growth, some healing within themselves. We are all connected.
Grief takes attention, which requires time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve and for how long. It’s such a personal experience, and no one can really understand it but you. I do find support in sharing with other parents who’ve lost their children, especially those who are spiritually focused. It is a unique type of loss, and those who have not lost children can’t truly understand, although they may have tremendous compassion. Surround yourself with those who care, even if they don’t understand, and support you to grieve the way you need to. It’s so important to have this retreat time to reflect and process. There is an opportunity to go very deep into yourself to find treasures. It’s not about “moving on”, it’s about “moving in” and really discovering who you are.
I have no problem saying that I will be grieving Jason forever. I feel the pain of it less and less over time, and seeing what I have gained more and more. I feel daily twinges of pain for the physical loss and the loss of missed opportunities on this physical plain, and that is normal for us physical-plane-centered humans. I also feel a great opening to other worlds of connecting with Jason and other guides and spirits, realizing that this physical world is just the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve written about what I have been learning about grief in several other writings about my grieving journey. I’ve watched guilt and regrets come up and I am blessed to have the awareness and tools to release them; I’m on the lookout for those trying to hide. I’ve witness myself in so many beliefs that I was able to ask “Do I really want to believe this?” and then shift to choosing what I want, to create the reality I want. I see so many people stuck in beliefs that bring them down into a depression that is so hard to come out of, because it is anchored by such strong beliefs that they aren’t even aware of. I don’t believe that children shouldn’t die before their parents. I don’t believe I will be devastated by Jason’s death. If I did believe those things, then my experience would be very different, and not what I really want to create in my life.
In the wake of the tsunami, miracles happen. Long-term depression, anxiety, and stuckness of loved ones have cleared; life is too short to sweat the small stuff. People are inspired to live their lives fully; Jason’s senior year class printed T-shirts with “Follow Your Passion – JF” on the back in memory of Jason’s impact on so many. I am personally seeing limitations I was in denial of, and am seeing a clearer path past them to creating what I want in my life. I am a different person, feeling Jason’s influence in me so solidly. I feel Jason cheering me on, telling me to not to worry and go for it, with a Jason-sound and a Jason-hug to go with the energy!
I’m riding the waves and letting them carry me.
Quoting Jason– “It’s definitely more fun than drowning!”
P.S. I just remembered after writing this that I used to have recurring dreams about watching a tidal wave come at me on the beach, with nowhere to go for safety. I have been so intrigued with the tsunami in Thailand, reading personal accounts of the survivors. Interesting…
A tsunami has destructive energy that reminds me of the goddess Kali. She destroys that which no longer serves us – the ego, old patterns, fears, and limitations to our evolution. She holds us in divine love through the chaos, giving us courage to ride the storm.
I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.
Grief is so complex. It’s not just about missing someone. There is so much that surfaces; it’s an opportunity to see more clearly what is waiting to get healed – the beliefs and fears and limitations to what we want to create in life. The loss is felt on the physical plane, and yet so much was stirred up from the depths of the sea, treasures we might not have found otherwise. We realize we gained in some ways more than we lost. We discover more about ourselves and feel the resurfacing of our own beauty and power. When we love someone so much, that love is returned to us in their death. Even strangers who heard about Jason’s story were moved to feeling some significant personal growth, some healing within themselves. We are all connected.
Grief takes attention, which requires time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve and for how long. It’s such a personal experience, and no one can really understand it but you. I do find support in sharing with other parents who’ve lost their children, especially those who are spiritually focused. It is a unique type of loss, and those who have not lost children can’t truly understand, although they may have tremendous compassion. Surround yourself with those who care, even if they don’t understand, and support you to grieve the way you need to. It’s so important to have this retreat time to reflect and process. There is an opportunity to go very deep into yourself to find treasures. It’s not about “moving on”, it’s about “moving in” and really discovering who you are.
I have no problem saying that I will be grieving Jason forever. I feel the pain of it less and less over time, and seeing what I have gained more and more. I feel daily twinges of pain for the physical loss and the loss of missed opportunities on this physical plain, and that is normal for us physical-plane-centered humans. I also feel a great opening to other worlds of connecting with Jason and other guides and spirits, realizing that this physical world is just the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve written about what I have been learning about grief in several other writings about my grieving journey. I’ve watched guilt and regrets come up and I am blessed to have the awareness and tools to release them; I’m on the lookout for those trying to hide. I’ve witness myself in so many beliefs that I was able to ask “Do I really want to believe this?” and then shift to choosing what I want, to create the reality I want. I see so many people stuck in beliefs that bring them down into a depression that is so hard to come out of, because it is anchored by such strong beliefs that they aren’t even aware of. I don’t believe that children shouldn’t die before their parents. I don’t believe I will be devastated by Jason’s death. If I did believe those things, then my experience would be very different, and not what I really want to create in my life.
In the wake of the tsunami, miracles happen. Long-term depression, anxiety, and stuckness of loved ones have cleared; life is too short to sweat the small stuff. People are inspired to live their lives fully; Jason’s senior year class printed T-shirts with “Follow Your Passion – JF” on the back in memory of Jason’s impact on so many. I am personally seeing limitations I was in denial of, and am seeing a clearer path past them to creating what I want in my life. I am a different person, feeling Jason’s influence in me so solidly. I feel Jason cheering me on, telling me to not to worry and go for it, with a Jason-sound and a Jason-hug to go with the energy!
I’m riding the waves and letting them carry me.
Quoting Jason– “It’s definitely more fun than drowning!”
P.S. I just remembered after writing this that I used to have recurring dreams about watching a tidal wave come at me on the beach, with nowhere to go for safety. I have been so intrigued with the tsunami in Thailand, reading personal accounts of the survivors. Interesting…
Monday, November 9, 2009
Messages from Sound, 11/9/09
Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, since he was a baby. Did he choose me as a parent because his soul knew I am also connected with sound, and would co-found a sound healing organization (www.soundhealingnetwork.org, originally New England Sound Healing Research Institute, NESHRI)? Or did he influence my path? I’m guessing both.
I am reflecting upon and exploring my connection with Jason through sound and music. I am confident we can communicate through this connection in his new form.
When I was pregnant with Jason I discovered improvisation. My mind had always been steadfast in believing I couldn’t play my viola without reading music. During my pregnancy I was singing with some kirtan musicians who encouraged me to play along on my instrument. In a meditative state I played around with sounds from my viola until I could tune in and trust where my fingers would go to play the right notes. The feedback from my new fans propelled me into my career as gifted improviser. Within a few years I could do this without needing to be in meditation; I could set my controlling mind aside and follow the guidance of music spirits. I wasn’t playing my instrument – Spirit was and continues to play it for me, as I step out of the way! Jason grew up with this influence, but I’m guessing his presence got it all going in the first place!
Jason always responded to sound and music. I think all babies do, but Jason always added a unique flair to every experience, giving and receiving. We communicated with sounds. He let me know he was OK with his sounds. In fact, if he wasn’t playing with his voice or other sounds as a toddler, I wondered if something was up and I would go check on him. He was always listening to the subtlety of sound. He trained to be a gifted percussionist and composer his entire life, just by listening and being with the vibrations. It was more than being brought up with parents who played music. He was a sound researcher, and he received messages through sound.
Jason loved to sing. As a young child he memorized beautiful long complicated Sanskrit chants. He preferred memorizing all the long latin names of plants, as opposed to the common names, in books on plants that he wanted me to read to him before he could read. He also learned quickly, with his wonderful sense of humor, how to lighten up any situation with ridiculous sounds. He also knew how to “torture” me with sound, such as when he and Julie or Katie or Calandra would repeat songs incessantly because they knew they were driving me crazy, a fun game we would play
Jason loved being sung to. When he was stuck doing homework, I would play with my voice and accents to get him out of his stuckness and enjoy the moment. When he was older and got stuck in his communication with me, I would play with my voice to get his attention and be light about our communication. We would play a lot with sound together. Our silliness always involved ridiculous sounds.
Jason loved listening to all kinds of music. He was always doing his research. We enjoyed listening to CDs together in the car, being present with each other in our common interest of listening to sound and tuning into the spirit of the sound, getting ideas for our own improvisations or compositions, and often sharing them. Jason introduced me to many new genres of music that I wouldn’t have found on my own, and I am grateful. I have been listening to his CD mixes in the car as he rides next to me, feeling the music vibrations and his smile.
When Ben, my former partner and a gifted musician and sound healer, and our healing music ensemble Bluegate (with Christine and Kem) played music, Jason listened and was one of our biggest fans. He enjoyed joining me and my soundhealing friends with drums in our sound healing circles, resurfacing from his music studio as a teenager to join us in sound, even if he wasn’t up for conversation. In his early teens, Jason was drawn to hanging with Ben at our home in Beverly and then in New York City (Ben moved there when we moved to Ipswich) with Ben’s son and one of Jason’s closest friends Noah, jamming with the wild musicians, and playing with many different instruments. Although Jason’s main instrument was the drum set (that he quickly learned, being a natural in coordinating all 4 limbs to play complex rhythms), he played around with the keyboard, guitars, and many wild-sounding instruments such as the waterphone that played whale sounds. When we found the waterphone in a hole-in-the-wall music store in Greenwich Village in New York City, Jason grabbed it and insisted on helping to pay for it because he just had to have that sound.
Jason was influenced by Ben to sample sounds from different instruments or household noisemakers, gargling voices, drums, Tibetan bowls, natural thunder, and even the sound of a toilet flushing or a garage door opening (the song Grand Opening). He would slow these sounds down, change the pitch, and do other creative and technical things to these sounds, transforming them into soundscapes that transport us to magical places. He managed to get a sound out of a Thai stringed instrument called the Saw-U (that I never figured out how to play well) and transform it into etheric sounds from magical creatures – in Enocenip of his first CD, Drinnel. Jason was a natural sound healer and composer; he tuned in to the sound and the spirit of the sound, and shared the products of his connection with the magical world of sound with us. He could have composed for movie soundtracks; perhaps his music will make it there someday!
On the lighter side, Jason and his friends Gus, Dustin, Andy, and a few other guests created the DiabeticBunnyDucks CDs - Your Face Is Huge, Grow A Lung, and Leap of Filth; 2005-2008 collections of intentionally bad (and sometimes actually quite creative) music with silly sounds and lyrics that get anyone laughing. (I’m working on The Best of DB, sounds that the older generations can listen to without having to turn the volume down!).
I recently set up my portable recording studio next to Jason’s desk in his studio downstairs, now a memorial to his photography, music, and his life. With a little technical support, I will be recording my music side by side with Jason and his inspiration. Jason – I plan to put those tracks on a few of the pieces we talked about; I hope you like it!
Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, and I will continue to communicate with him with creative sound!
I am reflecting upon and exploring my connection with Jason through sound and music. I am confident we can communicate through this connection in his new form.
When I was pregnant with Jason I discovered improvisation. My mind had always been steadfast in believing I couldn’t play my viola without reading music. During my pregnancy I was singing with some kirtan musicians who encouraged me to play along on my instrument. In a meditative state I played around with sounds from my viola until I could tune in and trust where my fingers would go to play the right notes. The feedback from my new fans propelled me into my career as gifted improviser. Within a few years I could do this without needing to be in meditation; I could set my controlling mind aside and follow the guidance of music spirits. I wasn’t playing my instrument – Spirit was and continues to play it for me, as I step out of the way! Jason grew up with this influence, but I’m guessing his presence got it all going in the first place!
Jason always responded to sound and music. I think all babies do, but Jason always added a unique flair to every experience, giving and receiving. We communicated with sounds. He let me know he was OK with his sounds. In fact, if he wasn’t playing with his voice or other sounds as a toddler, I wondered if something was up and I would go check on him. He was always listening to the subtlety of sound. He trained to be a gifted percussionist and composer his entire life, just by listening and being with the vibrations. It was more than being brought up with parents who played music. He was a sound researcher, and he received messages through sound.
Jason loved to sing. As a young child he memorized beautiful long complicated Sanskrit chants. He preferred memorizing all the long latin names of plants, as opposed to the common names, in books on plants that he wanted me to read to him before he could read. He also learned quickly, with his wonderful sense of humor, how to lighten up any situation with ridiculous sounds. He also knew how to “torture” me with sound, such as when he and Julie or Katie or Calandra would repeat songs incessantly because they knew they were driving me crazy, a fun game we would play
Jason loved being sung to. When he was stuck doing homework, I would play with my voice and accents to get him out of his stuckness and enjoy the moment. When he was older and got stuck in his communication with me, I would play with my voice to get his attention and be light about our communication. We would play a lot with sound together. Our silliness always involved ridiculous sounds.
Jason loved listening to all kinds of music. He was always doing his research. We enjoyed listening to CDs together in the car, being present with each other in our common interest of listening to sound and tuning into the spirit of the sound, getting ideas for our own improvisations or compositions, and often sharing them. Jason introduced me to many new genres of music that I wouldn’t have found on my own, and I am grateful. I have been listening to his CD mixes in the car as he rides next to me, feeling the music vibrations and his smile.
When Ben, my former partner and a gifted musician and sound healer, and our healing music ensemble Bluegate (with Christine and Kem) played music, Jason listened and was one of our biggest fans. He enjoyed joining me and my soundhealing friends with drums in our sound healing circles, resurfacing from his music studio as a teenager to join us in sound, even if he wasn’t up for conversation. In his early teens, Jason was drawn to hanging with Ben at our home in Beverly and then in New York City (Ben moved there when we moved to Ipswich) with Ben’s son and one of Jason’s closest friends Noah, jamming with the wild musicians, and playing with many different instruments. Although Jason’s main instrument was the drum set (that he quickly learned, being a natural in coordinating all 4 limbs to play complex rhythms), he played around with the keyboard, guitars, and many wild-sounding instruments such as the waterphone that played whale sounds. When we found the waterphone in a hole-in-the-wall music store in Greenwich Village in New York City, Jason grabbed it and insisted on helping to pay for it because he just had to have that sound.
Jason was influenced by Ben to sample sounds from different instruments or household noisemakers, gargling voices, drums, Tibetan bowls, natural thunder, and even the sound of a toilet flushing or a garage door opening (the song Grand Opening). He would slow these sounds down, change the pitch, and do other creative and technical things to these sounds, transforming them into soundscapes that transport us to magical places. He managed to get a sound out of a Thai stringed instrument called the Saw-U (that I never figured out how to play well) and transform it into etheric sounds from magical creatures – in Enocenip of his first CD, Drinnel. Jason was a natural sound healer and composer; he tuned in to the sound and the spirit of the sound, and shared the products of his connection with the magical world of sound with us. He could have composed for movie soundtracks; perhaps his music will make it there someday!
On the lighter side, Jason and his friends Gus, Dustin, Andy, and a few other guests created the DiabeticBunnyDucks CDs - Your Face Is Huge, Grow A Lung, and Leap of Filth; 2005-2008 collections of intentionally bad (and sometimes actually quite creative) music with silly sounds and lyrics that get anyone laughing. (I’m working on The Best of DB, sounds that the older generations can listen to without having to turn the volume down!).
I recently set up my portable recording studio next to Jason’s desk in his studio downstairs, now a memorial to his photography, music, and his life. With a little technical support, I will be recording my music side by side with Jason and his inspiration. Jason – I plan to put those tracks on a few of the pieces we talked about; I hope you like it!
Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, and I will continue to communicate with him with creative sound!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Balance, 11/6/09
I was feeling overwhelmed and out of balance. The universe was there to assist me, and I sprained my ankle.
Time to slow down, put my feet up (literally), and really learn to trust in the balance. I literally lost my balance when my ankle gave out going down my front step 2 days ago. It’s a freaking living metaphor! The day before, I had worked on an affirmation to manifest this balance of work (that gotta start making money feeling of pressure) and grieving and taking care of myself, and my wish came true.
My first reaction after hearing the snap of my ankle and feeling my body slam on the concrete, was the expected one – oh shit, why did this have to happen on top of everything else I’ve had to go through lately? I told those voices in my head to go away; I wasn’t buying into this being difficult. There had to be a reason this happened, and I figured it out pretty quickly, once I dragged myself into the house and managed to get ice on my ankle, waiting for a neighbor to bring me ibuprofen.
Another emotional roller coaster. I had to hush up some other voices that were complaining I had to ask for help again, hating to burden Kule and others. Last night I was tired and a bit down, but this morning I woke up cheerful, grateful that I was never in any significant pain, the swelling is down, and I can put weight on it with the help of Dianna’s crutches. I am mobile again, yay!
The next thing I knew I was being pulled into a meeting with Jason on the other side, where he did some pretty cool healing on my ankle, and then I realized that he was doing it all along. I felt him with me the moment I fell, feeling comfort at the time that I wasn’t truly alone. He gave me strength and hope. I got to hang with him again during a session with medium Nancy Smeltzer this morning; I felt the balance move in along with the rapid healing of my ankle.
The reminder that Jason is always there for me was enough. I’m not expecting any more sprained ankles for a while - I get the message!
The funny thing is – I’ve been more relaxed and productive with my client work since I sprained my ankle than I have in the 3 months since Jason passed. Interesting, huh?
Time to slow down, put my feet up (literally), and really learn to trust in the balance. I literally lost my balance when my ankle gave out going down my front step 2 days ago. It’s a freaking living metaphor! The day before, I had worked on an affirmation to manifest this balance of work (that gotta start making money feeling of pressure) and grieving and taking care of myself, and my wish came true.
My first reaction after hearing the snap of my ankle and feeling my body slam on the concrete, was the expected one – oh shit, why did this have to happen on top of everything else I’ve had to go through lately? I told those voices in my head to go away; I wasn’t buying into this being difficult. There had to be a reason this happened, and I figured it out pretty quickly, once I dragged myself into the house and managed to get ice on my ankle, waiting for a neighbor to bring me ibuprofen.
Another emotional roller coaster. I had to hush up some other voices that were complaining I had to ask for help again, hating to burden Kule and others. Last night I was tired and a bit down, but this morning I woke up cheerful, grateful that I was never in any significant pain, the swelling is down, and I can put weight on it with the help of Dianna’s crutches. I am mobile again, yay!
The next thing I knew I was being pulled into a meeting with Jason on the other side, where he did some pretty cool healing on my ankle, and then I realized that he was doing it all along. I felt him with me the moment I fell, feeling comfort at the time that I wasn’t truly alone. He gave me strength and hope. I got to hang with him again during a session with medium Nancy Smeltzer this morning; I felt the balance move in along with the rapid healing of my ankle.
The reminder that Jason is always there for me was enough. I’m not expecting any more sprained ankles for a while - I get the message!
The funny thing is – I’ve been more relaxed and productive with my client work since I sprained my ankle than I have in the 3 months since Jason passed. Interesting, huh?
The Healer, 11/4/09
Jason means healer in Greek – or at least that what the baby name book said (a couple of Greek people challenged that definition, but I stick with it.) I loved the name Jason when I chose it, and I loved it even more when I found out what it meant.
Jason didn’t relate to being a healer; his parents were healers, so why would he choose that word to describe himself?! He definitely believed in the healing he received by his parents and many others in his life, but he didn’t identify with that label for himself. He was also humble about everything. I’ve been a bit too humble about telling people how awesome my son is, and so now’s my chance.
Jason touched many lives in such a short time. He was a secretive healer. I will never know how many lives he’s healed (will we ever know how many lives any of us heal in our lifetime?), but I’ve had the opportunity to witness hundreds of messages (see some quoted below) in Facebook and DeviantArt from grateful friends – so many people who didn’t know Jason in person, and received so much from him over the internet. His spirit was always so powerful, he didn’t need a physical presence to exude that. Many people have told me how they met Jason just once and were very impressed with his light, his peaceful energy, and his presence. His compassion is enormous, and he needed to share it with as many people as he possibly could.
Staying up late on the computer doing Facebook and instant messaging created conflicts for me as a parent wanting my teen to get enough rest. When I threatened to take the PC away after a certain hour, Jason looked at me with his “yes, Mom I absolutely know what is good for me” look and told me how much it helped him. I knew that he received a lot of support from his friends, and when he was ill (most of his last year) he needed that more than ever. We negotiated time on the computer, but like most teens he didn’t get enough rest. I’m so glad now I didn’t take most of that time away from him. I know now that there were many people that were receiving so much from Jason.
He wrote in his journal about how good it felt to help other people, even if they didn’t seem to express any gratitude. He wrote that it was “selfish” to want to help people because of how good it felt, so it was OK that others didn’t acknowledge it. Jason understood unconditional love.
I found out during the ceremony (with so many young people waiting in the 1 hr receiving line) four days after his death more about Jason’s healership – how we helped friends move past suicidal thoughts, a friend who was raped and at first trusted no one but Jason, friends who would have dropped out of school if it hadn’t been for Jason. He spent lunches tutoring friends in math to help them finish high school. He truly healed and empowered so many at such a young age.
Jason was empathic, and I believe that was hard for him but he learned how to be with it. He knew he was psychic and he received support in regular sessions with Gail Byrnes to strengthen his boundaries. He wrote:
The sad and the hungry
The shit on TV
I feel it
The mad and the hopeless
A lamb in its cage
All here now
I feel it
I found the pass key
The sound of the rain.
The burn from the sun.
Jason is doing a lot of healing on the other side. That gives me comfort in my grief and pride as a mother.
I’ve been told by The Lighted Ones in a channeling session that Jason is not alone; he is healing with many others. He is also a pioneer (see the message Planting Seeds). He was in life, and will always be!
"I have learned that sometimes it's not about how long one lives for it's about how 'well' one lives. People can go on breathing forever and still not be able to touch a single life, but Jason touched a million people at such a tender age-and someone said that 'age' should be counted through the number of people you touch. If that really is the case, then I can say without any hesitation-Jason lived for infinite years, and that is a miracle. Just remember that.:)" - an internet friend
“Jason, you created so much beauty and passion in such a short time. You inspire me with your dedication and love.” – a close friend
“Deep down inside I know that Jason has helped me to learn and grow. He taught me to laugh instead of cry.” – a close friend
“Jason was one of the kindest souls. Thank you for doing such a loving job being his guides in this world.” –science teacher.
“I will always remember Jason’s gentle spirit and his ability at 13 to transcend the boundaries of Middle School social strata. He was always so kind, so full of life and light.” – 8th grade math teacher
“Jason may have only lived to be 17, but in that time he has helped so many people and done so many great things. I’m going to live my life twice as hard because his was cut short. Your son is the most amazing person I think I will ever meet and you should be so proud.” – close friend
Jason didn’t relate to being a healer; his parents were healers, so why would he choose that word to describe himself?! He definitely believed in the healing he received by his parents and many others in his life, but he didn’t identify with that label for himself. He was also humble about everything. I’ve been a bit too humble about telling people how awesome my son is, and so now’s my chance.
Jason touched many lives in such a short time. He was a secretive healer. I will never know how many lives he’s healed (will we ever know how many lives any of us heal in our lifetime?), but I’ve had the opportunity to witness hundreds of messages (see some quoted below) in Facebook and DeviantArt from grateful friends – so many people who didn’t know Jason in person, and received so much from him over the internet. His spirit was always so powerful, he didn’t need a physical presence to exude that. Many people have told me how they met Jason just once and were very impressed with his light, his peaceful energy, and his presence. His compassion is enormous, and he needed to share it with as many people as he possibly could.
Staying up late on the computer doing Facebook and instant messaging created conflicts for me as a parent wanting my teen to get enough rest. When I threatened to take the PC away after a certain hour, Jason looked at me with his “yes, Mom I absolutely know what is good for me” look and told me how much it helped him. I knew that he received a lot of support from his friends, and when he was ill (most of his last year) he needed that more than ever. We negotiated time on the computer, but like most teens he didn’t get enough rest. I’m so glad now I didn’t take most of that time away from him. I know now that there were many people that were receiving so much from Jason.
He wrote in his journal about how good it felt to help other people, even if they didn’t seem to express any gratitude. He wrote that it was “selfish” to want to help people because of how good it felt, so it was OK that others didn’t acknowledge it. Jason understood unconditional love.
I found out during the ceremony (with so many young people waiting in the 1 hr receiving line) four days after his death more about Jason’s healership – how we helped friends move past suicidal thoughts, a friend who was raped and at first trusted no one but Jason, friends who would have dropped out of school if it hadn’t been for Jason. He spent lunches tutoring friends in math to help them finish high school. He truly healed and empowered so many at such a young age.
Jason was empathic, and I believe that was hard for him but he learned how to be with it. He knew he was psychic and he received support in regular sessions with Gail Byrnes to strengthen his boundaries. He wrote:
The sad and the hungry
The shit on TV
I feel it
The mad and the hopeless
A lamb in its cage
All here now
I feel it
I found the pass key
The sound of the rain.
The burn from the sun.
Jason is doing a lot of healing on the other side. That gives me comfort in my grief and pride as a mother.
I’ve been told by The Lighted Ones in a channeling session that Jason is not alone; he is healing with many others. He is also a pioneer (see the message Planting Seeds). He was in life, and will always be!
"I have learned that sometimes it's not about how long one lives for it's about how 'well' one lives. People can go on breathing forever and still not be able to touch a single life, but Jason touched a million people at such a tender age-and someone said that 'age' should be counted through the number of people you touch. If that really is the case, then I can say without any hesitation-Jason lived for infinite years, and that is a miracle. Just remember that.:)" - an internet friend
“Jason, you created so much beauty and passion in such a short time. You inspire me with your dedication and love.” – a close friend
“Deep down inside I know that Jason has helped me to learn and grow. He taught me to laugh instead of cry.” – a close friend
“Jason was one of the kindest souls. Thank you for doing such a loving job being his guides in this world.” –science teacher.
“I will always remember Jason’s gentle spirit and his ability at 13 to transcend the boundaries of Middle School social strata. He was always so kind, so full of life and light.” – 8th grade math teacher
“Jason may have only lived to be 17, but in that time he has helped so many people and done so many great things. I’m going to live my life twice as hard because his was cut short. Your son is the most amazing person I think I will ever meet and you should be so proud.” – close friend
Wave Crash, 11/3/09
Grief is as powerful and unpredictable as the ocean, and I find myself riding the waves and sometimes getting pulled under.
Last night I attended a bereaved parents group (The Compassionate Friends) after a mixed day. It started out rough, crying uncontrollably about something I didn’t think was going to “get” me. I used to have a family. After Chuck and I got divorced I grieved the loss of the family unit; we had had a late miscarriage when Jason was 4, so our family wasn’t meant to be large. Then for a few years I didn’t think about it much, because Jason and I created such wonderful extended family with Kule and friends and my mother and siblings and Chuck, who will always be family. Jason was the heart of my genetic family, and yesterday it felt like I was grieving double, for the loss of him and the loss of our family.
I broke down crying when it was my turn to introduce myself in the bereaved parents group - I lost my only child.
I didn’t see that wave coming. I had been content with having one child, and when Jason passed I felt I would always be a mother of an adult child, now in spirit form. All my life I never felt attached to raising a big family, with grandchildren and all; Jason told me he didn’t want kids so that gave me more fertilizer to grow that non-attachment. When Chuck and I got married we didn’t know we wanted kids; we decided to “let it happen” if it was meant to be. Jason chose us as parents because we weren’t attached; his soul knew he wouldn’t be here long. We were also told by several psychics that Jason wanted to be an only child in this lifetime because in his previous life he was in a large family and didn’t get much attention.
I’m an awesome mom; Jason chose well, because I knew how to nourish his spirit in life. He was very stubborn in getting what he wanted, and I understand that concept (sometimes to a fault!) I empowered him to be fully who he wanted to be, and I am grateful that he is grateful. We hung out on the healing table with Patrick yesterday, reminiscing about his childhood and how much we played together, feeding my inner child. He reminded me he is always with me, and I shared that at last night’s support group. Today I feel fulfilled in having been his mother and continuing our spirit relationship. I miss him, but not always painfully.
So I’m not crying anymore; that particular wave subsided and perhaps will not return. I pray and trust I can ride the next wave when it comes.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. The best part of my evening last night was a dinner meeting, before the support group, with Kule and our new friend Dave, who we met at last month’s Compassionate Friends meeting. We talked about how we still connect with our departed children and how spirited they were in life as well as after life. We shared our Buddhist beliefs and how helpful this has been, experiencing the gifts. I left dinner and arrived at the support meeting feeling uplifted and grateful. This is the type of support group that I am wanting, and know I am attracting to support my process. I will continue going to The Compassionate Friends to be with others who understand that losing a child is so different than any other loss, and it helps to know we are not alone even if we are all very different; we support each other. I am grateful for the service the organization provides, free to all.
Last night I attended a bereaved parents group (The Compassionate Friends) after a mixed day. It started out rough, crying uncontrollably about something I didn’t think was going to “get” me. I used to have a family. After Chuck and I got divorced I grieved the loss of the family unit; we had had a late miscarriage when Jason was 4, so our family wasn’t meant to be large. Then for a few years I didn’t think about it much, because Jason and I created such wonderful extended family with Kule and friends and my mother and siblings and Chuck, who will always be family. Jason was the heart of my genetic family, and yesterday it felt like I was grieving double, for the loss of him and the loss of our family.
I broke down crying when it was my turn to introduce myself in the bereaved parents group - I lost my only child.
I didn’t see that wave coming. I had been content with having one child, and when Jason passed I felt I would always be a mother of an adult child, now in spirit form. All my life I never felt attached to raising a big family, with grandchildren and all; Jason told me he didn’t want kids so that gave me more fertilizer to grow that non-attachment. When Chuck and I got married we didn’t know we wanted kids; we decided to “let it happen” if it was meant to be. Jason chose us as parents because we weren’t attached; his soul knew he wouldn’t be here long. We were also told by several psychics that Jason wanted to be an only child in this lifetime because in his previous life he was in a large family and didn’t get much attention.
I’m an awesome mom; Jason chose well, because I knew how to nourish his spirit in life. He was very stubborn in getting what he wanted, and I understand that concept (sometimes to a fault!) I empowered him to be fully who he wanted to be, and I am grateful that he is grateful. We hung out on the healing table with Patrick yesterday, reminiscing about his childhood and how much we played together, feeding my inner child. He reminded me he is always with me, and I shared that at last night’s support group. Today I feel fulfilled in having been his mother and continuing our spirit relationship. I miss him, but not always painfully.
So I’m not crying anymore; that particular wave subsided and perhaps will not return. I pray and trust I can ride the next wave when it comes.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. The best part of my evening last night was a dinner meeting, before the support group, with Kule and our new friend Dave, who we met at last month’s Compassionate Friends meeting. We talked about how we still connect with our departed children and how spirited they were in life as well as after life. We shared our Buddhist beliefs and how helpful this has been, experiencing the gifts. I left dinner and arrived at the support meeting feeling uplifted and grateful. This is the type of support group that I am wanting, and know I am attracting to support my process. I will continue going to The Compassionate Friends to be with others who understand that losing a child is so different than any other loss, and it helps to know we are not alone even if we are all very different; we support each other. I am grateful for the service the organization provides, free to all.
Connections, 10/30/09
I am grateful for my connections with Jason and how much I am learning about how we connect.
Jason I love watching movies together, good ones and bad ones (the latter gave us some good laughs). We stayed up late two nights ago watching a movie, hanging together like old times. We made good use of the Comcast Digital On-Demand we got when we moved to Ipswich. Since Jason passed, Kule and I haven’t been using it and we discovered we could save $25 a month without it. Yesterday morning I woke up crying and couldn’t stop; I was missing Jason, thinking about how nice it was to watch the movie with him the night before. Twenty minutes before the Comcast technician was scheduled to arrive I called and cancelled the service change. I stopped crying. I suddenly realized I wasn’t ready to let go of that connection with Jason. I’m going to watch more movies with Jason and make use of that service! Jason reminded me of how much I like to watch movies, with or without him!
I’ve been thinking about how I connect with Jason and how I connected with him when he was alive. In many ways there are no differences. I can’t hear his words but I can sense them. I can’t hear his laugh but I can feel his silliness and joy. I can’t experience his physical strength, but I can feel his hugs energetically. The emotional feelings are the same although the physical sensations are not there. I know what it feels like to be with Jason, and I can get into that feeling whenever I choose to, if I believe I can. I had practiced that when we would be apart for days and then weeks as he got older.
It got me thinking how we limit our connections in life when we put so much emphasis on the physical. How much connection are we missing with others because of this belief? I’m blessed to have experienced ongoing closeness to many friends who live far away, and how Kule and I stayed connected on his 4-month trip around the world last spring. It’s as if we are never physically apart. I realized that I am now doing this with Jason, and that’s why I can get in the preferred space of knowing I haven’t lost him at all. I’m actually benefitting from a new relationship with him where he isn’t limited by his body, mind, and teenage hormones. I sense him as the wise soul he has always been, and now with adult energy. It’s awesome, and yet it does remind me that he isn’t here physically and I feel the sadness again. I’m finding that this cycle is an iterative process, and the more I go back and forth and feel the gratitude for the gifts I receive from Jason, my pain of not having him here physically gets less and less.
Jason and I always connected well non-verbally. We hugged less frequently as he got older, so I wasn’t as dependent on the physical touch (although he loved my massages, and I certainly enjoyed his shoulder rubs and sitting squished on the couch together!). We had some great conversations throughout his life, but at a length that was much shorter than my expectations, and I got used to that. We enjoyed hanging together as we travelled. In the car he made music mixes on CDs of music he knew I would enjoy, with the understanding my mood might not be up to hard rock or his unique alien-artists, as I called them. I have been listening to these CDs and feeling him in the car with me, enjoying the vibrations together. I’ve been enjoying the alien-artist music in a new way!
I had a wonderful Watsu (aqua therapy) session with Bobbie this week, and I enjoyed the underwater cosmic experiences, soaring like a dolphin. Jason was there, playing and soaring with me. It was so wonderful. At one point I realized I was so relaxed and surrendered that my body didn’t exist. Wow – that’s how Jason is, and I’m on his plane now! It was an awesome way to connect, and the experience reminded me that I can connect with Jason’s spirit in many ways. In fact, us earth beings expect others to connect with us on our earth plane, but we can connect with them on their plane as well.
The night before my Watsu session I had an experience of seeing down a deep tunnel and feeling Jason at the end. It was a message that he is there and I have ways of connecting with him that I might not have been open to before. I can use that image of the tunnel, and I can imagine I’m underwater in the cosmos swimming with Jason.
I was reminded of Oneness in a vortex session Liz offered me last night. I was wanting to be able to connect with Jason more often like this. During the session I felt the shift in my mind to understanding that we aren’t separate, that we are one. As an extension of this, I also was able to see that I don’t need to connect with Jason in any way to feel complete in myself. I do, however, enjoy our connections very much and know I can through memories, if not through ways that feel almost physical in nature.
In many of the Messages I had shared ways that Jason has communicated with me – the automatic writing, “giving” me things I needed just at that moment, feeling his shoulder rub, doing things that lightened up the intense sadness. I was cleaning his desk a few days after he passed, to capture his notes (and poetry, we discovered) folded up randomly on his desktop (his desk was overdue for a cleaning!). Maybe there was an explanation, like bumping the mouse, but I was a bit freaked out by what happened. Fanfare music was playing from his speakers that lasted a few seconds. However, it was like off-wavelength poor-quality radio sound (not the quality of his speakers) and certainly not the kind of music he would have had on itunes, and there was no webpage open. I said “OK, Jason, that freaked me out, but I’m ready to communicate with you this way. Keep going. That was very creative, dude.” The next moment I hear, in the same poor-quality sound, “Thank you”. From my reaction, I think Jason was pleased he got through but he didn’t do it again, he knew it was too edgy for me and I needed more subtle forms of communication.
I was going to say I’ve never seen Jason’s spirit, but I actually have. In the dark I would see subtle shadow forms moving. I wasn’t afraid, so I thought it was Jason. I experimented moving my eyelashes to make sure that the shadows weren’t from them, and I confirmed they weren’t. Since the first experience with this, I realized the forms could be other “spirits”, or energy from other beings, but connecting with Jason’s spirit has opened me up to connect with the other side more clearly. I use the same protection as I would when I don’t see them, so I feel safe and enjoy the connections.
Chuck was over one night about a month after Jason passed, and he had taken a copy of the death certificate back with him. It was a bit emotional, but he needed a copy for his records. After he left I went downstairs and something happened to catch my eye through the small side windowpane of our front doorway. It was something white. I went out to investigate, and found the death certificate on the street. I called Chuck and he drove right back to get it. We both laughed. We knew this was Jason’s sense of humor. He knew how to lighten us up.
Jason has let me know in many ways how much I mean to him. When I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to clean out his bedroom and move his things to his studio downstairs, which is now a memorial gallery to Jason and his works and a continuing recording studio, I felt him smile. He wanted me to move on, and not look at his empty room with sadness. I also wanted Kule to have his own room, something I couldn’t offer him before. Chuck helped me move all of Jason’s things but his bed. The next weekend, Kule and I disassembled his bed to move to the studio as a futon couch. When we moved the mattress, a green peridot earring fell on the floor. I cried with delight; it was one of my favorite heart-chakra earrings I thought I had lost raking the yard last fall. Maybe after a day of raking I leaned over to give Jason a massage, a common night ritual, and the earring fell onto the bed. But how did it survive months of bed-making? It’s too weird, and yet it’s Jason’s unique way of letting me know how much he loves me; he loved weird experiences. He was grateful that we cleaned out his room and that I was doing what I needed to be in my flow of joy in life.
During a ride back from R.I. a few weeks after Jason passed, I was feeling very sad and couldn’t stop crying. I looked up and saw an amazing cloud formation, the kind of photo opportunity Jason wouldn’t want me to pass up; I almost heard the request to pull over. Then I was in awe and felt the immense beauty of having had him in my life. My sadness turned to joy and I continued my journey. Several miles later the sadness slipped in again. I looked up and saw another beautiful cloud formation, and I got the message. Now whenever I want to connect with Jason I look at the clouds, and I feel his presence and sense his awe for the beauty he would see everywhere. This has been his gift to me.
Love,
Michelle
Jason I love watching movies together, good ones and bad ones (the latter gave us some good laughs). We stayed up late two nights ago watching a movie, hanging together like old times. We made good use of the Comcast Digital On-Demand we got when we moved to Ipswich. Since Jason passed, Kule and I haven’t been using it and we discovered we could save $25 a month without it. Yesterday morning I woke up crying and couldn’t stop; I was missing Jason, thinking about how nice it was to watch the movie with him the night before. Twenty minutes before the Comcast technician was scheduled to arrive I called and cancelled the service change. I stopped crying. I suddenly realized I wasn’t ready to let go of that connection with Jason. I’m going to watch more movies with Jason and make use of that service! Jason reminded me of how much I like to watch movies, with or without him!
I’ve been thinking about how I connect with Jason and how I connected with him when he was alive. In many ways there are no differences. I can’t hear his words but I can sense them. I can’t hear his laugh but I can feel his silliness and joy. I can’t experience his physical strength, but I can feel his hugs energetically. The emotional feelings are the same although the physical sensations are not there. I know what it feels like to be with Jason, and I can get into that feeling whenever I choose to, if I believe I can. I had practiced that when we would be apart for days and then weeks as he got older.
It got me thinking how we limit our connections in life when we put so much emphasis on the physical. How much connection are we missing with others because of this belief? I’m blessed to have experienced ongoing closeness to many friends who live far away, and how Kule and I stayed connected on his 4-month trip around the world last spring. It’s as if we are never physically apart. I realized that I am now doing this with Jason, and that’s why I can get in the preferred space of knowing I haven’t lost him at all. I’m actually benefitting from a new relationship with him where he isn’t limited by his body, mind, and teenage hormones. I sense him as the wise soul he has always been, and now with adult energy. It’s awesome, and yet it does remind me that he isn’t here physically and I feel the sadness again. I’m finding that this cycle is an iterative process, and the more I go back and forth and feel the gratitude for the gifts I receive from Jason, my pain of not having him here physically gets less and less.
Jason and I always connected well non-verbally. We hugged less frequently as he got older, so I wasn’t as dependent on the physical touch (although he loved my massages, and I certainly enjoyed his shoulder rubs and sitting squished on the couch together!). We had some great conversations throughout his life, but at a length that was much shorter than my expectations, and I got used to that. We enjoyed hanging together as we travelled. In the car he made music mixes on CDs of music he knew I would enjoy, with the understanding my mood might not be up to hard rock or his unique alien-artists, as I called them. I have been listening to these CDs and feeling him in the car with me, enjoying the vibrations together. I’ve been enjoying the alien-artist music in a new way!
I had a wonderful Watsu (aqua therapy) session with Bobbie this week, and I enjoyed the underwater cosmic experiences, soaring like a dolphin. Jason was there, playing and soaring with me. It was so wonderful. At one point I realized I was so relaxed and surrendered that my body didn’t exist. Wow – that’s how Jason is, and I’m on his plane now! It was an awesome way to connect, and the experience reminded me that I can connect with Jason’s spirit in many ways. In fact, us earth beings expect others to connect with us on our earth plane, but we can connect with them on their plane as well.
The night before my Watsu session I had an experience of seeing down a deep tunnel and feeling Jason at the end. It was a message that he is there and I have ways of connecting with him that I might not have been open to before. I can use that image of the tunnel, and I can imagine I’m underwater in the cosmos swimming with Jason.
I was reminded of Oneness in a vortex session Liz offered me last night. I was wanting to be able to connect with Jason more often like this. During the session I felt the shift in my mind to understanding that we aren’t separate, that we are one. As an extension of this, I also was able to see that I don’t need to connect with Jason in any way to feel complete in myself. I do, however, enjoy our connections very much and know I can through memories, if not through ways that feel almost physical in nature.
In many of the Messages I had shared ways that Jason has communicated with me – the automatic writing, “giving” me things I needed just at that moment, feeling his shoulder rub, doing things that lightened up the intense sadness. I was cleaning his desk a few days after he passed, to capture his notes (and poetry, we discovered) folded up randomly on his desktop (his desk was overdue for a cleaning!). Maybe there was an explanation, like bumping the mouse, but I was a bit freaked out by what happened. Fanfare music was playing from his speakers that lasted a few seconds. However, it was like off-wavelength poor-quality radio sound (not the quality of his speakers) and certainly not the kind of music he would have had on itunes, and there was no webpage open. I said “OK, Jason, that freaked me out, but I’m ready to communicate with you this way. Keep going. That was very creative, dude.” The next moment I hear, in the same poor-quality sound, “Thank you”. From my reaction, I think Jason was pleased he got through but he didn’t do it again, he knew it was too edgy for me and I needed more subtle forms of communication.
I was going to say I’ve never seen Jason’s spirit, but I actually have. In the dark I would see subtle shadow forms moving. I wasn’t afraid, so I thought it was Jason. I experimented moving my eyelashes to make sure that the shadows weren’t from them, and I confirmed they weren’t. Since the first experience with this, I realized the forms could be other “spirits”, or energy from other beings, but connecting with Jason’s spirit has opened me up to connect with the other side more clearly. I use the same protection as I would when I don’t see them, so I feel safe and enjoy the connections.
Chuck was over one night about a month after Jason passed, and he had taken a copy of the death certificate back with him. It was a bit emotional, but he needed a copy for his records. After he left I went downstairs and something happened to catch my eye through the small side windowpane of our front doorway. It was something white. I went out to investigate, and found the death certificate on the street. I called Chuck and he drove right back to get it. We both laughed. We knew this was Jason’s sense of humor. He knew how to lighten us up.
Jason has let me know in many ways how much I mean to him. When I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to clean out his bedroom and move his things to his studio downstairs, which is now a memorial gallery to Jason and his works and a continuing recording studio, I felt him smile. He wanted me to move on, and not look at his empty room with sadness. I also wanted Kule to have his own room, something I couldn’t offer him before. Chuck helped me move all of Jason’s things but his bed. The next weekend, Kule and I disassembled his bed to move to the studio as a futon couch. When we moved the mattress, a green peridot earring fell on the floor. I cried with delight; it was one of my favorite heart-chakra earrings I thought I had lost raking the yard last fall. Maybe after a day of raking I leaned over to give Jason a massage, a common night ritual, and the earring fell onto the bed. But how did it survive months of bed-making? It’s too weird, and yet it’s Jason’s unique way of letting me know how much he loves me; he loved weird experiences. He was grateful that we cleaned out his room and that I was doing what I needed to be in my flow of joy in life.
During a ride back from R.I. a few weeks after Jason passed, I was feeling very sad and couldn’t stop crying. I looked up and saw an amazing cloud formation, the kind of photo opportunity Jason wouldn’t want me to pass up; I almost heard the request to pull over. Then I was in awe and felt the immense beauty of having had him in my life. My sadness turned to joy and I continued my journey. Several miles later the sadness slipped in again. I looked up and saw another beautiful cloud formation, and I got the message. Now whenever I want to connect with Jason I look at the clouds, and I feel his presence and sense his awe for the beauty he would see everywhere. This has been his gift to me.
Love,
Michelle
Past Lives, 10/28/09
This isn’t the first time Jason died before me in life.
Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised to get the news at the hospital, when I arrived after driving for almost one hour with no information other than Jason was in a bad accident. The hospital wouldn’t give us information; we found out later that’s because it was police jurisdiction - Jason had died at the scene and his body wasn’t at the hospital. I spent the entire drive in getting ready for the worst news; I asked Jason’s godmother MA to drive because I wanted her to be there for Jason, she happened to be in Hamilton at the time, I trusted her ability to be in grace during receipt of any terrible news, and I needed her calm energy and Reiki. I was on the phone with Kule and Marie-Anne (Linda from Texas), helping me get ready, assisted by a multitude of angels. I didn’t walk, I glided as if in a dream into the emergency room where a nurse escorted me to a private waiting room where Chuck and the other parents were waiting, holding hands.
I saw Chuck and what came out calmly was “Did we lose him?”. Chuck’s face, tears, and weary embrace said it all. The next thing I asked was “Did he suffer?” Relieved shaking heads and a brief conversation with the police waiting outside confirmed that my worst fear didn’t come true. He died instantly with no pain.
The next thing I remember was meeting the other parents, especially Erin’s mother, KT. The first thing she said, with such love in her eyes, was how wonderful my son was and how sorry she was. Then I found out she lost her daughter, and we bonded for life. I’ve gotten to know Erin through KT and her daughter Shannon and understand what an amazing relationship she and Jason had, and how they were destined to part together. Jason and Erin had past lives together where they didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy being together because they were helping too many others; in this life they got to do both. We’ve been told they are soul twins and they may reincarnate as twins. Whatever happens, their influence feels merged.
I got in touch with two past lives with Jason in a past-life regression with Ashara 6 weeks after Jason passed. I wanted to know why Jason and I came together in this lifetime.
In the first life, I was standing on a mountain top, in the snow above the clouds, with my dearest friend and climbing companion. His face was radiant, his soul was so wise, and he was Jason, with bright blue eyes and a bald head. He was in his 50s and wanted to climb one more time with me after a diagnosis of cancer. When it was time to head down he told me that he wasn’t going back with me. He asked me to be with him in love, that he will always be there with me after his body fails, that love transcends his body, and without much warning he stepped off a cliff and disappeared into the clouds. He didn’t want me to suffer watching him die of his terminal disease. I cried in anguish and then accepted his decision in the next moment, with overwhelming love. He had sent me powerful healing right before he left, to make sure I would not feel any guilt about his passage. I felt his presence strongly after he left. I learned that love doesn’t need a body, and to trust the passage. When the soul is ready to go there is nothing anyone can do about it except receive the gifts. I learned I can connect with the other side through my love of Jason.
In a previous life, Jason was a Peruvian medicine woman in a small village; her name was Chanta (pronounced Shanta) and my name was Jesu (pronounced hay-su). I was a troubled orphaned teenage boy who was not respected in the village. I lied and stole and had no friends. Every time I walked by Chanta in the village square where she sat, she smiled at me. She never judged me and she never spoke to me, she just smiled and sent me her love. Jesu always felt special around Chanta, but it confused him. He yelled at her one day – “Why don’t you tell me I’m a loser or tell me to get my life together, or make me get healed? Why don’t you say anything to me?!”. Chanta just smiled radiantly.
In time Jesu gained confidence in himself from feeling Chanta’s love, that helped him to transform. Years later, after Jesu had started a family in another village, he was called to come back to Chanta’s village. She was dying, and she had asked for Jesu. She asked him to hold her while she passed. Jesu was overcome with emotion and was very confused – why would she choose him of all people? She replied “I want you to give me all the love you had received from me in your lifetime.” In that moment Jesu was healed with all of the love he had received and all that he poured into Chanta during her passage. It was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I learned that love is given and received and never goes away; we have to remember it is there. Words don’t do it, it is just pure love. Certain bonds in life are blessed with open channels for that love, that is eternal.
Jason was always short on words and big on love. I always knew this, and he reminded me once again.
Love eternal,
Michelle
Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised to get the news at the hospital, when I arrived after driving for almost one hour with no information other than Jason was in a bad accident. The hospital wouldn’t give us information; we found out later that’s because it was police jurisdiction - Jason had died at the scene and his body wasn’t at the hospital. I spent the entire drive in getting ready for the worst news; I asked Jason’s godmother MA to drive because I wanted her to be there for Jason, she happened to be in Hamilton at the time, I trusted her ability to be in grace during receipt of any terrible news, and I needed her calm energy and Reiki. I was on the phone with Kule and Marie-Anne (Linda from Texas), helping me get ready, assisted by a multitude of angels. I didn’t walk, I glided as if in a dream into the emergency room where a nurse escorted me to a private waiting room where Chuck and the other parents were waiting, holding hands.
I saw Chuck and what came out calmly was “Did we lose him?”. Chuck’s face, tears, and weary embrace said it all. The next thing I asked was “Did he suffer?” Relieved shaking heads and a brief conversation with the police waiting outside confirmed that my worst fear didn’t come true. He died instantly with no pain.
The next thing I remember was meeting the other parents, especially Erin’s mother, KT. The first thing she said, with such love in her eyes, was how wonderful my son was and how sorry she was. Then I found out she lost her daughter, and we bonded for life. I’ve gotten to know Erin through KT and her daughter Shannon and understand what an amazing relationship she and Jason had, and how they were destined to part together. Jason and Erin had past lives together where they didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy being together because they were helping too many others; in this life they got to do both. We’ve been told they are soul twins and they may reincarnate as twins. Whatever happens, their influence feels merged.
I got in touch with two past lives with Jason in a past-life regression with Ashara 6 weeks after Jason passed. I wanted to know why Jason and I came together in this lifetime.
In the first life, I was standing on a mountain top, in the snow above the clouds, with my dearest friend and climbing companion. His face was radiant, his soul was so wise, and he was Jason, with bright blue eyes and a bald head. He was in his 50s and wanted to climb one more time with me after a diagnosis of cancer. When it was time to head down he told me that he wasn’t going back with me. He asked me to be with him in love, that he will always be there with me after his body fails, that love transcends his body, and without much warning he stepped off a cliff and disappeared into the clouds. He didn’t want me to suffer watching him die of his terminal disease. I cried in anguish and then accepted his decision in the next moment, with overwhelming love. He had sent me powerful healing right before he left, to make sure I would not feel any guilt about his passage. I felt his presence strongly after he left. I learned that love doesn’t need a body, and to trust the passage. When the soul is ready to go there is nothing anyone can do about it except receive the gifts. I learned I can connect with the other side through my love of Jason.
In a previous life, Jason was a Peruvian medicine woman in a small village; her name was Chanta (pronounced Shanta) and my name was Jesu (pronounced hay-su). I was a troubled orphaned teenage boy who was not respected in the village. I lied and stole and had no friends. Every time I walked by Chanta in the village square where she sat, she smiled at me. She never judged me and she never spoke to me, she just smiled and sent me her love. Jesu always felt special around Chanta, but it confused him. He yelled at her one day – “Why don’t you tell me I’m a loser or tell me to get my life together, or make me get healed? Why don’t you say anything to me?!”. Chanta just smiled radiantly.
In time Jesu gained confidence in himself from feeling Chanta’s love, that helped him to transform. Years later, after Jesu had started a family in another village, he was called to come back to Chanta’s village. She was dying, and she had asked for Jesu. She asked him to hold her while she passed. Jesu was overcome with emotion and was very confused – why would she choose him of all people? She replied “I want you to give me all the love you had received from me in your lifetime.” In that moment Jesu was healed with all of the love he had received and all that he poured into Chanta during her passage. It was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I learned that love is given and received and never goes away; we have to remember it is there. Words don’t do it, it is just pure love. Certain bonds in life are blessed with open channels for that love, that is eternal.
Jason was always short on words and big on love. I always knew this, and he reminded me once again.
Love eternal,
Michelle
Acceptance, 10/21/09
I’ve been on this unanticipated incredible journey of accepting Jason’s passing.
When I accept, I feel peace.
When I resist, I suffer.
The choice has been easy to make amidst the pain of loss, and yet my mind wants to figure out how I can possibly accept.
These are some key beliefs that have helped me tremendously:
1) Each soul has its time on earth, for many reasons clear and never to be known. It was Jason’s time, his soul had chosen this. I choose to accept his soul’s decision, as his mother, as his guide, as his trusted friend, and as fellow traveler on this earth. We are all here temporarily to do the work we need to do and then move on. Our children don’t belong to us; we are given the opportunity to guide them the best we can.
2) Jason’s spirit is still with us, in another way, another dimension that I can access because I believe I can. Our love is eternal and that keeps us connected in whatever form. Love is all that truly exists (everything else is our creation, our perceptions, our illusions) and that love carries me above the pain of physical loss. We are all spirit, we are all one.
3) This moment is all that is. When I experience the beauty of each moment, including any beautiful or painful thoughts of Jason, I feel peace in Being. Grief is an experience. When we judge it, we experience the energy of the judgment. I choose to see it as a reflection of the beautiful love we had for each other on earth, and continue to feel in spirit. Crying is not a problem, it is a supportive ritual.
4) Jason and I had a healthy relationship. We let each other know when there was an issue in our relationship and we acknowledged it and cleared it the best we could. I gave him the space and trust he needed as a teenager, and he expressed appreciation for that. We had a non-verbal way of being together, respecting each other, and just being in the love. We didn’t have any unresolved issues when he passed, so there is no guilt and no significant regrets. This is a gift.
5) Jason left behind so much to remember him by and connect with his spirit. It’s as if he is still here in person, showing me his photography and music and poetry. As I go through his files in the next months and years, I will see his works presented to me for the first time, and I will feel and perhaps hear his excitement sharing them with me. His passion inspires me, as my passion has inspired him.
6) Jason chose me to be his mother. He knew I would get him, understand that he was already living more in the world of spirit than on this earth, and that he was too pure for this world. He had important things to do on the other side. His father understands this, too. Jason knew I would get the importance of his works that show the connection to the spirit world, seeing the beauty of each moment and all things. He knew I would get his works out there in a big way. You ain’t seen nothing yet, Jason. I will make sure I do it in the right time, balancing what I need for my own soul path and stay in the inspiration Jason gave me in life and in his passing. I’m getting my recording studio set up again; side by side with Jason’s studio. He smiles.
7) Jason didn’t leave too soon. His soul waited until we were ready, to be able to be strong enough to experience his passing without getting devastated; that wasn’t our karma. I guided him through his childhood, finding and following his passions in life, asserting who he is and what he wanted in life, and being a light for others. He is a wise soul, so he taught us so much (he enjoyed that humble stealth teacher role). He also sent us a tremendous amount of healing in life and after he passed to make sure we were strong. He wouldn’t have left me alone; he waited until I had my soul companion, Kule. He knew Chuck was supported on his spiritual path. Jason always wanted the best for his parents.
8) Jason found his soul twin in Erin. The more and more I learn about the two of them together, I see a magical love story. It is clear that one wouldn’t have left without the other. They needed to find each other first and experience that high love; they passed together in bliss. What more would a mother want for her child than to see him fulfilled? I believe Jason was fulfilled in relationships and his creative passions. I could easily create so many stories about how else he could have joyfully experienced going forward in life, but I choose to believe that he was fulfilled in this lifetime. Jason and Erin are together doing some amazing healing work on the other side; I can feel their excitement.
I wish continued acceptance for me and for all. It’s the clearest channel to feeling the full power of love.
Love,
Michelle
When I accept, I feel peace.
When I resist, I suffer.
The choice has been easy to make amidst the pain of loss, and yet my mind wants to figure out how I can possibly accept.
These are some key beliefs that have helped me tremendously:
1) Each soul has its time on earth, for many reasons clear and never to be known. It was Jason’s time, his soul had chosen this. I choose to accept his soul’s decision, as his mother, as his guide, as his trusted friend, and as fellow traveler on this earth. We are all here temporarily to do the work we need to do and then move on. Our children don’t belong to us; we are given the opportunity to guide them the best we can.
2) Jason’s spirit is still with us, in another way, another dimension that I can access because I believe I can. Our love is eternal and that keeps us connected in whatever form. Love is all that truly exists (everything else is our creation, our perceptions, our illusions) and that love carries me above the pain of physical loss. We are all spirit, we are all one.
3) This moment is all that is. When I experience the beauty of each moment, including any beautiful or painful thoughts of Jason, I feel peace in Being. Grief is an experience. When we judge it, we experience the energy of the judgment. I choose to see it as a reflection of the beautiful love we had for each other on earth, and continue to feel in spirit. Crying is not a problem, it is a supportive ritual.
4) Jason and I had a healthy relationship. We let each other know when there was an issue in our relationship and we acknowledged it and cleared it the best we could. I gave him the space and trust he needed as a teenager, and he expressed appreciation for that. We had a non-verbal way of being together, respecting each other, and just being in the love. We didn’t have any unresolved issues when he passed, so there is no guilt and no significant regrets. This is a gift.
5) Jason left behind so much to remember him by and connect with his spirit. It’s as if he is still here in person, showing me his photography and music and poetry. As I go through his files in the next months and years, I will see his works presented to me for the first time, and I will feel and perhaps hear his excitement sharing them with me. His passion inspires me, as my passion has inspired him.
6) Jason chose me to be his mother. He knew I would get him, understand that he was already living more in the world of spirit than on this earth, and that he was too pure for this world. He had important things to do on the other side. His father understands this, too. Jason knew I would get the importance of his works that show the connection to the spirit world, seeing the beauty of each moment and all things. He knew I would get his works out there in a big way. You ain’t seen nothing yet, Jason. I will make sure I do it in the right time, balancing what I need for my own soul path and stay in the inspiration Jason gave me in life and in his passing. I’m getting my recording studio set up again; side by side with Jason’s studio. He smiles.
7) Jason didn’t leave too soon. His soul waited until we were ready, to be able to be strong enough to experience his passing without getting devastated; that wasn’t our karma. I guided him through his childhood, finding and following his passions in life, asserting who he is and what he wanted in life, and being a light for others. He is a wise soul, so he taught us so much (he enjoyed that humble stealth teacher role). He also sent us a tremendous amount of healing in life and after he passed to make sure we were strong. He wouldn’t have left me alone; he waited until I had my soul companion, Kule. He knew Chuck was supported on his spiritual path. Jason always wanted the best for his parents.
8) Jason found his soul twin in Erin. The more and more I learn about the two of them together, I see a magical love story. It is clear that one wouldn’t have left without the other. They needed to find each other first and experience that high love; they passed together in bliss. What more would a mother want for her child than to see him fulfilled? I believe Jason was fulfilled in relationships and his creative passions. I could easily create so many stories about how else he could have joyfully experienced going forward in life, but I choose to believe that he was fulfilled in this lifetime. Jason and Erin are together doing some amazing healing work on the other side; I can feel their excitement.
I wish continued acceptance for me and for all. It’s the clearest channel to feeling the full power of love.
Love,
Michelle
Fulfillment, 10/13/09
I’ve been hit by a huge wave that has thrown me underwater, churning in the surf, not knowing up from down. There’s a trust that I will reach the surface. There’s a strange feeling of peace being in this state of unknown, held by the waters of the earth.
I cried and cried the last two days. Jason’s art show tribute brought it up again, wishing he could have been there to receive the wows and other comments about his photography and music. I also had an astrology reading with Barbara Fiske that was awesome and also brought up a lot. More layers. My tears are cleansing, with the rain and my moontime.
Why was I crying so much? I wrote down some answers. There were interesting stories I decided to not buy into, such as “I shouldn’t be happy because my child died.” There were a couple of answers that I will work on, to make sure I don’t sink into despair by what my mind creates. The hardest story is that my world has been shaken and turned upside down, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no goals, I’m not fully in touch with my passions. That’s so new for me. It was easier to have goals when I had some perceived limits – to live in Ipswich and continue my corporate consulting work to get Jason through high school and prepare him for college. All of a sudden I no longer have those responsibilities and I have so many options, it’s overwhelming. Somehow I know I’m not supposed to figure it out now, but I’m not used to being in this state!
The astrology reading confirmed my belief that Jason’s soul was destined for this early end. I thought I would feel better and more accepting of his death, but that wasn’t the case. I was struggling with something big, and it came to light after some conversations with Kule and Marie-Anne, when I was writing down all the things I could possibly be crying about. The bottom line is that I don’t know what to do now.
All parents know what it is like to want the best for each child. I worked hard this past week to help Jason with his art show, making copies of his art and DVDs and his bio, and neatly organizing it to present. I was eager to share his messages with people who are interested in the metaphysical. It’s not just because they are messages I believe in, but I have felt strongly that as a parent I need to help my son be fulfilled. Wow! My son is dead and I am still feeling responsible for him. I have been wanting to make sure he didn’t die in vain and I have been almost desperately looking for ways to get his messages out to prove that.
Jason was fulfilled. He met his highest purpose. The astrology reading confirmed it. Jason and Erin shared a very high and deeply spiritual love that most people don’t find in their lifetimes. Jason has always been a teacher of being in the moment, but when he was with Erin they mastered it. Their astrology charts show they met their highest purpose together, and it was around just Being together and feeling the love they generated that was healing to so many. It feels clear to me now that when they died together they passed this incredibly powerful energy on to those who were closely connected with them and many others. I received this gift in a bigger way in his death that I had in his life, and it was so overwhelming it felt like I got consumed by a giant wave.
Jason doesn’t need me to be fulfilled; I have been grieving not being needed by him! I don’t need to do anything to help him meet his highest purpose! Not only do I not need to do anything, but my fulfillment comes from what I receive from his gift of Being. I can only teach this if I know how to experience it fully. This was his core message, the last one of 30.
This feels good, I like this state of Beingness. It feels a hell of a lot better than guilt and despair. Man, when someone dies there’s a lot more going on than loss of a body. All kinds of shit comes up. What a gift to be shown what needs cleansing. I pray I stay open and free from mind limitations. It’s so human to feel we don’t do enough, and it creates so much suffering. Isn’t that so?
I plan on saving my creative energy for recreating my life! It’s a continuous process, but throughout it I’m asking to just Be. Crying because I miss Jason is part of that and it is cool - it reminds me that he is with me in a precious way, and then I smile.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. Reminders of beingness are appreciated, it helps me surf the waves.
I cried and cried the last two days. Jason’s art show tribute brought it up again, wishing he could have been there to receive the wows and other comments about his photography and music. I also had an astrology reading with Barbara Fiske that was awesome and also brought up a lot. More layers. My tears are cleansing, with the rain and my moontime.
Why was I crying so much? I wrote down some answers. There were interesting stories I decided to not buy into, such as “I shouldn’t be happy because my child died.” There were a couple of answers that I will work on, to make sure I don’t sink into despair by what my mind creates. The hardest story is that my world has been shaken and turned upside down, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no goals, I’m not fully in touch with my passions. That’s so new for me. It was easier to have goals when I had some perceived limits – to live in Ipswich and continue my corporate consulting work to get Jason through high school and prepare him for college. All of a sudden I no longer have those responsibilities and I have so many options, it’s overwhelming. Somehow I know I’m not supposed to figure it out now, but I’m not used to being in this state!
The astrology reading confirmed my belief that Jason’s soul was destined for this early end. I thought I would feel better and more accepting of his death, but that wasn’t the case. I was struggling with something big, and it came to light after some conversations with Kule and Marie-Anne, when I was writing down all the things I could possibly be crying about. The bottom line is that I don’t know what to do now.
All parents know what it is like to want the best for each child. I worked hard this past week to help Jason with his art show, making copies of his art and DVDs and his bio, and neatly organizing it to present. I was eager to share his messages with people who are interested in the metaphysical. It’s not just because they are messages I believe in, but I have felt strongly that as a parent I need to help my son be fulfilled. Wow! My son is dead and I am still feeling responsible for him. I have been wanting to make sure he didn’t die in vain and I have been almost desperately looking for ways to get his messages out to prove that.
Jason was fulfilled. He met his highest purpose. The astrology reading confirmed it. Jason and Erin shared a very high and deeply spiritual love that most people don’t find in their lifetimes. Jason has always been a teacher of being in the moment, but when he was with Erin they mastered it. Their astrology charts show they met their highest purpose together, and it was around just Being together and feeling the love they generated that was healing to so many. It feels clear to me now that when they died together they passed this incredibly powerful energy on to those who were closely connected with them and many others. I received this gift in a bigger way in his death that I had in his life, and it was so overwhelming it felt like I got consumed by a giant wave.
Jason doesn’t need me to be fulfilled; I have been grieving not being needed by him! I don’t need to do anything to help him meet his highest purpose! Not only do I not need to do anything, but my fulfillment comes from what I receive from his gift of Being. I can only teach this if I know how to experience it fully. This was his core message, the last one of 30.
This feels good, I like this state of Beingness. It feels a hell of a lot better than guilt and despair. Man, when someone dies there’s a lot more going on than loss of a body. All kinds of shit comes up. What a gift to be shown what needs cleansing. I pray I stay open and free from mind limitations. It’s so human to feel we don’t do enough, and it creates so much suffering. Isn’t that so?
I plan on saving my creative energy for recreating my life! It’s a continuous process, but throughout it I’m asking to just Be. Crying because I miss Jason is part of that and it is cool - it reminds me that he is with me in a precious way, and then I smile.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. Reminders of beingness are appreciated, it helps me surf the waves.
Premonitions, 10/11/09
I believe at some unconscious level Jason knew his time on this earth was short. He wrote cryptic poems in the last few years of his life that appear to indicate this, most in the last couple of months.
Jason always had a strong connection with the world of spirit and probably lived more there than in his body. His photography and music reflect this connection. He was already there when he dropped his body.
I had premonitions this past year, but I wasn’t fully conscious of it at the time, probably because being in denial protected me from the news. Over last Christmas break I finally had a chance to have a few days off after a busy season. Kule and I went away to see friends in Pennsylvania that we have enjoyed visiting over the holidays. On our long drive I reflected on the difficult fall with Jason’s illness, being out of school for 3 months, and all of the alternative health techniques Chuck and I were using to try to rescue his immune system. I was upset with Chuck at the time for some choices of care he was insisting on that I didn’t agree completely with, but looking back I was so worried about Jason (we both were) and we felt helpless he wasn’t getting better. What made it even harder was that Jason was pushing me away. He did say several times not to forget he loved me, but he needed space. It was a crash course in understanding the need for teenage boys to pull away from their mothers.
I spent much of the 3 days in Pennsylvania needing to be alone, crying with great grief about what I was going through with Jason’s illness and how I was needing to let go of my little boy. I was so amazed at my reaction at that time, but looking back it makes total sense. He was asserting his independence, letting me know very strongly that he needed help with cooking and other care but he was going to make his decisions and be independent. I had been praying for his independence, and the time came. It was all perfect, and it was all so very difficult. Jason gave me a great gift at that time – he helped me become independent and accept that he was making choices in his life going forward, so I could get to a place of accepting his choices. I am now in a journey of accepting his soul path; he helped prepare me for this. I started my grieving process 8 months before.
The process of Jason leaving his body started last year with his immune problems; after many tests we never did find out what it was. A psychic told Chuck recently that Jason had something that could have killed him, but he wasn’t meant to go at that time. Jason had a difficult spring with fatigue and trying to catch up with schoolwork, and was just starting to feel alive and healthy when summer started. He was able to enjoy several wonderful weeks with friends, with me and Kule in San Diego, with Chuck at the Art of Living ashram where Jason did 5 days of silence, with my family in Lake Tahoe parasailing and celebrating my mom’s 80th, and hanging with his favorite group of friends in Hull, including his adopted brother Dustin.
As Chuck described it, Jason was feeling very strong, happy, and confident right before he passed, which assisted him in his transition. Chuck dropped him off at the train station to go to Hull two days before the accident. I will ask him to describe his experience with this so I can quote him; it was a profound sense that Jason was “ready to do this thing.” Chuck had an impulse to pull him back and take him home, and was surprised by this reaction; he had a premonition, too. However, Jason had parents that totally trusted him and his decisions, and wanted him to be happy with his friends on the south shore.
Two days before Jason left for Hull I had a conversation with him about cleaning his studio to bring levels of mold down even lower (he was very sensitive to it, even with our powerful dehumidifier running constantly) now that we were back from being away most of July. I was going to remove the couch and the rug and get another PC for his bedroom so he would spend less time downstairs, and he was in favor of the changes I described; he wanted to do the work when he returned. I said something like, “just think, this may be the last summer that you will have to deal with any mold issues.” I was referring to this as our understanding that this was most likely going to be the last summer he would live in Ipswich (which he was so so tired of), because he was probably going to college (or travelling) the next year and was probably going to go to California for the summer, or we could possibly be selling the house by the spring. As soon as I said that something switched in Jason and he looked very depressed. I asked him what was wrong and then asked if he wanted to be alone – was this a typical teen mood swing? He said that he was depressed, that he didn’t know why, and he didn’t want me to be there. He looked like he was going to cry. He must have had a premonition.
Jason was very comfortable with the idea of death and the world of spirit, and was intrigued by it, as described in other messages. He apparently had many conversations with his friends about this, and one of them mentioned that looking back Jason may have known that he was going to die soon, although, like me, no one got that consciously at the time. Someday I may hear details about this, and I want to honor confidentiality with his friends.
Another very strange experience was when Jason was finally returning to school after the Christmas holiday break, only to discover that he had head lice and was sent home from school. What is the coincidence of that? Jason didn’t want to go to school, and he was a powerful manifester! I was determined to help Jason keep his hair, and it took 4 hours a day to comb his hair with a fine-tooth comb, and that didn’t include the shampoos and oil treatments and daily cleaning of his sheets and rooms. This went on for 9 days; Chuck came over every other day to help comb. We had trimmed his hair up from the lower-back length it had been, but finally on the 7th day we chopped off his hair to the shortest ponytail possible.
I remember being so burned out from the end-of-year struggle with his special diet and appointments and his moods, that the last thing I thought I could have handled was to wait on him hand and foot through this lice drama. There was something very shamanic about it. Why did the lice pick him of all people? It was as if he was offering his body to these parasitic creatures. In a strange way I was enjoying carefully combing his hair, adoring his head, and hanging with him patiently through all of this. It was a way for us to connect and to show how much I loved him. He really appreciated what we did, salvaging his hair. I am grateful for that time with him. When he was healthy he of course chose not to hang out like that, but I was clear I didn’t want to manifest illness for our connection. It’s just what happened, it was his soul path.
Parasailing with Jason was a joy, a week before he passed. I had wanted to treat him to skydiving on his 18th birthday October 26. I will never get a chance to give him that present, but we came pretty close being 1000 feet over Lake Tahoe together with his younger cousin Mia, who adores Jason. We were sharing the exhilaration and incredible beauty of the experience, yelling at the top of our lungs and high fiving. At one point he leaned back too far and fell through his harness. He was surprised (although he was tied at the upper harness) and I helped him get back into it, laughing about it. It was so weird, as if his body was already getting ready to let loose, and let him fly free. Jason always knew how to fly. He flew out the window of the car August 6. The passing was so peaceful it felt he was soaring as in the parasail.
Jason was very intense about doing his art and music. He was incredibly productive, not just in creating the art but in sharing it with his internet friends (DeviantArt and Facebook) and he spent many late hours with those communications that were very supportive for him (although it often conflicted with needed rest). He was also very intense about having social time, and I discovered after his death of the many peers he had spent so much time helping at school and after school. At some level, he knew he didn’t have much time. He fit a lot in. Jason was extremely productive as well as passionate, and he left behind so much for us to remember him by. Every time I look at his photos and listen to his music and read his writings I feel his energy present. It will take months to get through all of his electronic files; it feels he is right there showing me some new pieces. He most definitely is.
Jason enjoyed the presentation of his photography and music at the Mystical Art and Talent Show last night and the wonderful feedback. He is also very excited about the DVD that his Uncle Al made of his photography and music that is now available with a contribution to the Art of Living. He is smiling and jumping up and down. “Awesome, mom and dad.”
Love eternal,
Michelle
Jason always had a strong connection with the world of spirit and probably lived more there than in his body. His photography and music reflect this connection. He was already there when he dropped his body.
I had premonitions this past year, but I wasn’t fully conscious of it at the time, probably because being in denial protected me from the news. Over last Christmas break I finally had a chance to have a few days off after a busy season. Kule and I went away to see friends in Pennsylvania that we have enjoyed visiting over the holidays. On our long drive I reflected on the difficult fall with Jason’s illness, being out of school for 3 months, and all of the alternative health techniques Chuck and I were using to try to rescue his immune system. I was upset with Chuck at the time for some choices of care he was insisting on that I didn’t agree completely with, but looking back I was so worried about Jason (we both were) and we felt helpless he wasn’t getting better. What made it even harder was that Jason was pushing me away. He did say several times not to forget he loved me, but he needed space. It was a crash course in understanding the need for teenage boys to pull away from their mothers.
I spent much of the 3 days in Pennsylvania needing to be alone, crying with great grief about what I was going through with Jason’s illness and how I was needing to let go of my little boy. I was so amazed at my reaction at that time, but looking back it makes total sense. He was asserting his independence, letting me know very strongly that he needed help with cooking and other care but he was going to make his decisions and be independent. I had been praying for his independence, and the time came. It was all perfect, and it was all so very difficult. Jason gave me a great gift at that time – he helped me become independent and accept that he was making choices in his life going forward, so I could get to a place of accepting his choices. I am now in a journey of accepting his soul path; he helped prepare me for this. I started my grieving process 8 months before.
The process of Jason leaving his body started last year with his immune problems; after many tests we never did find out what it was. A psychic told Chuck recently that Jason had something that could have killed him, but he wasn’t meant to go at that time. Jason had a difficult spring with fatigue and trying to catch up with schoolwork, and was just starting to feel alive and healthy when summer started. He was able to enjoy several wonderful weeks with friends, with me and Kule in San Diego, with Chuck at the Art of Living ashram where Jason did 5 days of silence, with my family in Lake Tahoe parasailing and celebrating my mom’s 80th, and hanging with his favorite group of friends in Hull, including his adopted brother Dustin.
As Chuck described it, Jason was feeling very strong, happy, and confident right before he passed, which assisted him in his transition. Chuck dropped him off at the train station to go to Hull two days before the accident. I will ask him to describe his experience with this so I can quote him; it was a profound sense that Jason was “ready to do this thing.” Chuck had an impulse to pull him back and take him home, and was surprised by this reaction; he had a premonition, too. However, Jason had parents that totally trusted him and his decisions, and wanted him to be happy with his friends on the south shore.
Two days before Jason left for Hull I had a conversation with him about cleaning his studio to bring levels of mold down even lower (he was very sensitive to it, even with our powerful dehumidifier running constantly) now that we were back from being away most of July. I was going to remove the couch and the rug and get another PC for his bedroom so he would spend less time downstairs, and he was in favor of the changes I described; he wanted to do the work when he returned. I said something like, “just think, this may be the last summer that you will have to deal with any mold issues.” I was referring to this as our understanding that this was most likely going to be the last summer he would live in Ipswich (which he was so so tired of), because he was probably going to college (or travelling) the next year and was probably going to go to California for the summer, or we could possibly be selling the house by the spring. As soon as I said that something switched in Jason and he looked very depressed. I asked him what was wrong and then asked if he wanted to be alone – was this a typical teen mood swing? He said that he was depressed, that he didn’t know why, and he didn’t want me to be there. He looked like he was going to cry. He must have had a premonition.
Jason was very comfortable with the idea of death and the world of spirit, and was intrigued by it, as described in other messages. He apparently had many conversations with his friends about this, and one of them mentioned that looking back Jason may have known that he was going to die soon, although, like me, no one got that consciously at the time. Someday I may hear details about this, and I want to honor confidentiality with his friends.
Another very strange experience was when Jason was finally returning to school after the Christmas holiday break, only to discover that he had head lice and was sent home from school. What is the coincidence of that? Jason didn’t want to go to school, and he was a powerful manifester! I was determined to help Jason keep his hair, and it took 4 hours a day to comb his hair with a fine-tooth comb, and that didn’t include the shampoos and oil treatments and daily cleaning of his sheets and rooms. This went on for 9 days; Chuck came over every other day to help comb. We had trimmed his hair up from the lower-back length it had been, but finally on the 7th day we chopped off his hair to the shortest ponytail possible.
I remember being so burned out from the end-of-year struggle with his special diet and appointments and his moods, that the last thing I thought I could have handled was to wait on him hand and foot through this lice drama. There was something very shamanic about it. Why did the lice pick him of all people? It was as if he was offering his body to these parasitic creatures. In a strange way I was enjoying carefully combing his hair, adoring his head, and hanging with him patiently through all of this. It was a way for us to connect and to show how much I loved him. He really appreciated what we did, salvaging his hair. I am grateful for that time with him. When he was healthy he of course chose not to hang out like that, but I was clear I didn’t want to manifest illness for our connection. It’s just what happened, it was his soul path.
Parasailing with Jason was a joy, a week before he passed. I had wanted to treat him to skydiving on his 18th birthday October 26. I will never get a chance to give him that present, but we came pretty close being 1000 feet over Lake Tahoe together with his younger cousin Mia, who adores Jason. We were sharing the exhilaration and incredible beauty of the experience, yelling at the top of our lungs and high fiving. At one point he leaned back too far and fell through his harness. He was surprised (although he was tied at the upper harness) and I helped him get back into it, laughing about it. It was so weird, as if his body was already getting ready to let loose, and let him fly free. Jason always knew how to fly. He flew out the window of the car August 6. The passing was so peaceful it felt he was soaring as in the parasail.
Jason was very intense about doing his art and music. He was incredibly productive, not just in creating the art but in sharing it with his internet friends (DeviantArt and Facebook) and he spent many late hours with those communications that were very supportive for him (although it often conflicted with needed rest). He was also very intense about having social time, and I discovered after his death of the many peers he had spent so much time helping at school and after school. At some level, he knew he didn’t have much time. He fit a lot in. Jason was extremely productive as well as passionate, and he left behind so much for us to remember him by. Every time I look at his photos and listen to his music and read his writings I feel his energy present. It will take months to get through all of his electronic files; it feels he is right there showing me some new pieces. He most definitely is.
Jason enjoyed the presentation of his photography and music at the Mystical Art and Talent Show last night and the wonderful feedback. He is also very excited about the DVD that his Uncle Al made of his photography and music that is now available with a contribution to the Art of Living. He is smiling and jumping up and down. “Awesome, mom and dad.”
Love eternal,
Michelle
Lives and Identities, 10/8/09
Many of us believe in past lives and reincarnation. What about current lives? Years ago I was told I was a “walk-in” and that another soul took over at a big transition in my life. No way to prove any of it, of course. But why not? Things are always changing, and therefore death is always happening at many levels, creating space for new life.
I feel I’m in a transition now, a new life starting. I believe it is a healthy way to be in the world. How many of us go through huge transitions on a regular basis! I see a show of many hands! Kule and I have been studying identities through Avatar and other teachings. I have been a mother for over 17 years, and now that identity has changed. I am still a mother at heart, without the earthly responsibilities, developing a new relationship with Jason’s spirit. That mother identity will always be there. If I hold on too tight to certain aspects of that identity, needing to be the way I was, wanting to see him become an adult, etc, then I create suffering. Therefore the identity will shift to accommodate my new way of being.
I will celebrate when October 26 comes and I can celebrate Jason’s birthday as a celebration of his life vs. watching the old mother identity wishing I could have seen him turn 18. I might need help with that one – it’s big, but I think I can do it! Chuck and I will plan something that day, and will ask for support.
I could easily see several different lives within my lifetime: my youth, my married life, my divorced life before Kule (starting my consulting career, a new work life), my partnered life with Kule, and now life after Jason’s passing. They have all been rich with identities, many of which didn’t serve me and I needed to learn to let go of them and move on. I can choose what identities I want to have. The core identity that I choose is to enjoy being however and whoever I am. That’s the ultimate goal, and I’m working on it, I’m playing with it. Life’s too short, and like Jason always said, I worry too much sometimes. Time to let go of the mind and just be, and play with whatever identities serve me in the moment. Live life to its fullest.
That’s the ticket.
I feel I’m in a transition now, a new life starting. I believe it is a healthy way to be in the world. How many of us go through huge transitions on a regular basis! I see a show of many hands! Kule and I have been studying identities through Avatar and other teachings. I have been a mother for over 17 years, and now that identity has changed. I am still a mother at heart, without the earthly responsibilities, developing a new relationship with Jason’s spirit. That mother identity will always be there. If I hold on too tight to certain aspects of that identity, needing to be the way I was, wanting to see him become an adult, etc, then I create suffering. Therefore the identity will shift to accommodate my new way of being.
I will celebrate when October 26 comes and I can celebrate Jason’s birthday as a celebration of his life vs. watching the old mother identity wishing I could have seen him turn 18. I might need help with that one – it’s big, but I think I can do it! Chuck and I will plan something that day, and will ask for support.
I could easily see several different lives within my lifetime: my youth, my married life, my divorced life before Kule (starting my consulting career, a new work life), my partnered life with Kule, and now life after Jason’s passing. They have all been rich with identities, many of which didn’t serve me and I needed to learn to let go of them and move on. I can choose what identities I want to have. The core identity that I choose is to enjoy being however and whoever I am. That’s the ultimate goal, and I’m working on it, I’m playing with it. Life’s too short, and like Jason always said, I worry too much sometimes. Time to let go of the mind and just be, and play with whatever identities serve me in the moment. Live life to its fullest.
That’s the ticket.
Gratitude, 10/7/09
I am reminded of the power of gratitude. Often when I cry about Jason I feel the immense gratitude of having had him in my life, of continuing to feel his blessings. This feeling brings me joy and peace and carries me to a place of feeling abundance.
I was reminded of how grateful I am for being in this place, and not in a place of devastation and despair as so many parents have experienced in the loss of a child, for years afterward. I attended a support group for bereaved parents two nights ago with Kule and witnessed a huge range of experiences, stories, emotions, and suggestions from parents who lost a child in the past few weeks to many years ago. It is clear that everyone grieves and copes so differently, and I appreciate experiencing the diversity and learning from it. I got clear in hearing some of the stories that I want to remember Jason as always 17, not someone who would-have could-have been someone at such-and-such age, creating attachment and suffering. I am grateful for that insight, and I am so grateful for the loving support of the group as they wished Jason Happy Birthday, passing around his sweet pictures for all to smile and celebrate who he was and is. I will attend the group again; it’s a great resource called The Compassionate Friends. Grieving the loss of a child is so different than any other loss, and I want to be with those who understand. I am so grateful for Kule’s desire to understand this with me, so he can support me.
I am so grateful for my spiritual connection with Jason and how I am growing spiritually through this experience. I am so interested in the metaphysical exploration of spirit, and how we can connect with the spirit of each one more strongly in life as well as after death. I am grateful for a new connection with another bereaved parent, Henry, who lost his only child to brain cancer a year ago, who moved to this area and is starting a support group for parents that is spiritually based. He had started a website with his son Cameron called www.braincandyproject.org for parents of kids with cancer, and the gratitude he has for having had his angelic son in his life is apparent in the video sharings and interviews with his son during his cancer.
Years ago when I was teaching goal setting using sound healing (guided music) a simple equation came to me:
TRUTH +TRUST + GRATITUDE = ABUNDANCE
This feels even more real to me now, after having immersed myself in manifesting studies such as Avatar, understanding how we create our reality. Our truth reflects our beliefs; what we believe is what we experience, and we can choose our beliefs. Trust in spirit, a higher power, and our will is of course key. Gratitude is the piece that has always fascinated me, and is often overlooked. When we are grateful, we feel the joy of gifts in our life, and that attracts more gifts (the law of attraction). Abundance is a perspective – the glass is half full or half empty or full or overflowing. I am the only one who determines that perspective; I’m responsible for my reality. I create my abundance.
Feeling abundance after the loss of child seems inconceivable. How can loss and abundance co-exist? I feel the dichotomy of pain and beauty in my grief, so anything is possible.
Jason’s soul chose me and Chuck as parents for particular reasons, many of which may never be fully revealed on this plane. His path was set in life; he manifested his life. What helps me tremendously is my belief that Jason’s death is not a loss at a spiritual level. I have received so many blessings throughout his life and since he passed. I know I was not meant to suffer, and that belief and trust keep me in a state of Grace and Gratitude.
Thank you Jason, for teaching me to laugh.
Thank you for teaching me to be in the moment, to forget about time.
Thank you for teaching me patience.
Thank you for helping me lighten up.
Thank you for being an angel to so many.
Thank you for leaving us with so many creative beautiful works of art and music to experience you with our human senses.
Thank you for attracting so many beautiful spirits into our lives.
Thank you for being firmly who you are, inspiring that in others.
Thank you for so many gifts that I may not be aware of, that feed me in magical ways.
Thank you for teaching me ways to connect with you in your new state, and reminding me we are one.
Love
Michelle
I was reminded of how grateful I am for being in this place, and not in a place of devastation and despair as so many parents have experienced in the loss of a child, for years afterward. I attended a support group for bereaved parents two nights ago with Kule and witnessed a huge range of experiences, stories, emotions, and suggestions from parents who lost a child in the past few weeks to many years ago. It is clear that everyone grieves and copes so differently, and I appreciate experiencing the diversity and learning from it. I got clear in hearing some of the stories that I want to remember Jason as always 17, not someone who would-have could-have been someone at such-and-such age, creating attachment and suffering. I am grateful for that insight, and I am so grateful for the loving support of the group as they wished Jason Happy Birthday, passing around his sweet pictures for all to smile and celebrate who he was and is. I will attend the group again; it’s a great resource called The Compassionate Friends. Grieving the loss of a child is so different than any other loss, and I want to be with those who understand. I am so grateful for Kule’s desire to understand this with me, so he can support me.
I am so grateful for my spiritual connection with Jason and how I am growing spiritually through this experience. I am so interested in the metaphysical exploration of spirit, and how we can connect with the spirit of each one more strongly in life as well as after death. I am grateful for a new connection with another bereaved parent, Henry, who lost his only child to brain cancer a year ago, who moved to this area and is starting a support group for parents that is spiritually based. He had started a website with his son Cameron called www.braincandyproject.org for parents of kids with cancer, and the gratitude he has for having had his angelic son in his life is apparent in the video sharings and interviews with his son during his cancer.
Years ago when I was teaching goal setting using sound healing (guided music) a simple equation came to me:
TRUTH +TRUST + GRATITUDE = ABUNDANCE
This feels even more real to me now, after having immersed myself in manifesting studies such as Avatar, understanding how we create our reality. Our truth reflects our beliefs; what we believe is what we experience, and we can choose our beliefs. Trust in spirit, a higher power, and our will is of course key. Gratitude is the piece that has always fascinated me, and is often overlooked. When we are grateful, we feel the joy of gifts in our life, and that attracts more gifts (the law of attraction). Abundance is a perspective – the glass is half full or half empty or full or overflowing. I am the only one who determines that perspective; I’m responsible for my reality. I create my abundance.
Feeling abundance after the loss of child seems inconceivable. How can loss and abundance co-exist? I feel the dichotomy of pain and beauty in my grief, so anything is possible.
Jason’s soul chose me and Chuck as parents for particular reasons, many of which may never be fully revealed on this plane. His path was set in life; he manifested his life. What helps me tremendously is my belief that Jason’s death is not a loss at a spiritual level. I have received so many blessings throughout his life and since he passed. I know I was not meant to suffer, and that belief and trust keep me in a state of Grace and Gratitude.
Thank you Jason, for teaching me to laugh.
Thank you for teaching me to be in the moment, to forget about time.
Thank you for teaching me patience.
Thank you for helping me lighten up.
Thank you for being an angel to so many.
Thank you for leaving us with so many creative beautiful works of art and music to experience you with our human senses.
Thank you for attracting so many beautiful spirits into our lives.
Thank you for being firmly who you are, inspiring that in others.
Thank you for so many gifts that I may not be aware of, that feed me in magical ways.
Thank you for teaching me ways to connect with you in your new state, and reminding me we are one.
Love
Michelle
Confirmations, 9/12/09
This has been one of the hardest weeks, surrendering to another level of deep grief. Every time I get really low and can’t seem to get out of it, and I remember to ask for help, I get more and more confirmations that I am supported. The wave of grief turns into a wave of peace and love.
9/9/09 (3 days ago) was a day symbolizing death and rebirth. The ocean was intense – waves crashing, washing up dead birds and plenty of food for the seagulls hovering in the wind beside me. There was barely a beach to walk on, but I was called to walk to heal my pain. I found an isolated stone circle to sit in and let the waves crash toward me, feeling some big purification. It was profound, and I felt Jason's presence and sensed his wish for me. He really wants me, and all of us, to be free of unnecessary human suffering. He wants us to know we can drop the human stuff that gets in the way of feeling our infinite-ness, to approach being limitless in a human body.
I was asking myself how can I be free of suffering when I am so sad? I got immediately that being sad doesn't mean we are suffering. It means we have lost something that we love, and that is a reminder of our love. We only suffer when we get attached to having things a certain way or when we get stuck in unhealthy stories and beliefs (“creations” in the Avatar term). He wants us to know we can let go of attachment to having him on the physical plane, because we will experience his influence on us in other energetic planes. The love will always be there, even larger than before, and I keep getting confirmation of that with my experiences.
Being human is just one way that consciousness manifests; it's the tip of the iceberg.
As I was walking toward the rocks, they were mostly underwater and I got the clear message to remember that just because we can't see them doesn't mean we can't feel them. I felt the energy and messages of the rocks just the same, and that reminded me how I can feel the energy of Jason even when he is not visible or audible. He keeps reminding me of this; what a blessing.
When I got home I finally got the chance to go through photos Jason took in a special trip we did together to Utah Canyonlands two years ago, that I recently (and with great relief) found on my back-up drive. There were photos I hadn’t seen before (he showed me the ones that were artist-approved) and it was as if he was there showing me photos he just took. I felt immediately peaceful and realized I can look at his photos to get back in touch with him by seeing the beauty he saw, and let the beauty heal me. There are spirits in these photos I hadn’t seen before. There are photos of me I hadn’t seen before, capturing my spirit during that magical trip. What blessings.
His photography is a course in seeing things differently, as my niece Nikki beautifully wrote. That's why I want to share his photography with so many, to share his message without words. Jason produced enough photos to train people to do this; that's a message I have been getting. He also did this with his music, breaking rules for meter and rhythm and sound combinations, putting us in another world to open us up to new possibilities.
As humans we always think we don't have enough, we haven't done enough, we aren't enough, etc. Jason wants us to believe we are enough and he is enough, and he has left enough of himself on the physical plane as reminders of who he is and how he can be in our lives, continually teaching us and helping us teach others. What tremendous gifts.
I got another wave of intense grief and asked Jason to help me again. I immediately felt his hands on my shoulders, one way he used to hug me as a teenager, moments before getting a special quick shoulder rub. I melted in peace and gratitude.
I got another wave of intense grief and I got a call from my and Jason’s dear healer friend Patrick to tell me about the times he had been connecting with Jason. We shared our experiences and I felt so confirmed that Jason is here with me, in my heart, in the cosmos, in some energetic form that our minds can’t ever comprehend. I just know he is here helping me through this, letting me know that we aren’t the body. The spirit/soul is what we are, and that remains and gets even bigger, giving us gifts we might not have imagined if we weren’t open to it.
Love keeps guiding me on the right path.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. I want to thank Chuck for asking to grieve together, going through Jason’s things and feeling the sadness fully. It’s so hard but we are both doing very well; we are supported.
9/9/09 (3 days ago) was a day symbolizing death and rebirth. The ocean was intense – waves crashing, washing up dead birds and plenty of food for the seagulls hovering in the wind beside me. There was barely a beach to walk on, but I was called to walk to heal my pain. I found an isolated stone circle to sit in and let the waves crash toward me, feeling some big purification. It was profound, and I felt Jason's presence and sensed his wish for me. He really wants me, and all of us, to be free of unnecessary human suffering. He wants us to know we can drop the human stuff that gets in the way of feeling our infinite-ness, to approach being limitless in a human body.
I was asking myself how can I be free of suffering when I am so sad? I got immediately that being sad doesn't mean we are suffering. It means we have lost something that we love, and that is a reminder of our love. We only suffer when we get attached to having things a certain way or when we get stuck in unhealthy stories and beliefs (“creations” in the Avatar term). He wants us to know we can let go of attachment to having him on the physical plane, because we will experience his influence on us in other energetic planes. The love will always be there, even larger than before, and I keep getting confirmation of that with my experiences.
Being human is just one way that consciousness manifests; it's the tip of the iceberg.
As I was walking toward the rocks, they were mostly underwater and I got the clear message to remember that just because we can't see them doesn't mean we can't feel them. I felt the energy and messages of the rocks just the same, and that reminded me how I can feel the energy of Jason even when he is not visible or audible. He keeps reminding me of this; what a blessing.
When I got home I finally got the chance to go through photos Jason took in a special trip we did together to Utah Canyonlands two years ago, that I recently (and with great relief) found on my back-up drive. There were photos I hadn’t seen before (he showed me the ones that were artist-approved) and it was as if he was there showing me photos he just took. I felt immediately peaceful and realized I can look at his photos to get back in touch with him by seeing the beauty he saw, and let the beauty heal me. There are spirits in these photos I hadn’t seen before. There are photos of me I hadn’t seen before, capturing my spirit during that magical trip. What blessings.
His photography is a course in seeing things differently, as my niece Nikki beautifully wrote. That's why I want to share his photography with so many, to share his message without words. Jason produced enough photos to train people to do this; that's a message I have been getting. He also did this with his music, breaking rules for meter and rhythm and sound combinations, putting us in another world to open us up to new possibilities.
As humans we always think we don't have enough, we haven't done enough, we aren't enough, etc. Jason wants us to believe we are enough and he is enough, and he has left enough of himself on the physical plane as reminders of who he is and how he can be in our lives, continually teaching us and helping us teach others. What tremendous gifts.
I got another wave of intense grief and asked Jason to help me again. I immediately felt his hands on my shoulders, one way he used to hug me as a teenager, moments before getting a special quick shoulder rub. I melted in peace and gratitude.
I got another wave of intense grief and I got a call from my and Jason’s dear healer friend Patrick to tell me about the times he had been connecting with Jason. We shared our experiences and I felt so confirmed that Jason is here with me, in my heart, in the cosmos, in some energetic form that our minds can’t ever comprehend. I just know he is here helping me through this, letting me know that we aren’t the body. The spirit/soul is what we are, and that remains and gets even bigger, giving us gifts we might not have imagined if we weren’t open to it.
Love keeps guiding me on the right path.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. I want to thank Chuck for asking to grieve together, going through Jason’s things and feeling the sadness fully. It’s so hard but we are both doing very well; we are supported.
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