Sunday, October 17, 2010

Merging with Jason

I am in California, where Jason thought he might go to college. We just visited my brother Al’s family’s near Lake Tahoe that is a museum of Jason’s art, hung in every room. Jason is with me everywhere I go, and recently I had some profound experiences that remind me that we are not separate.

I have always wanted to go to Mt. Shasta to feel its vortex energy. A week ago, sitting in meditation at the headwaters of Panther Meadows, a place of Indian and Western sacred ritual, I realized I hadn’t thought of Jason since I landed in Mt. Shasta a few hours before and through the beautiful hike up to the meadows. I thought that was significant, and immediately I connected with Jason and saw some clear images.

Jason was an eagle, soaring through the mist of the mountain, free and powerful. The eagle is an appropriate totem for Jason. I was soaring with him, as a condor, a symbol of death, release, and transformation. We flew together for a while, until it felt we were one winged being. My semi-lucid mind recalled the Peruvian prophecy that at this time in our evolution it is important for the eagle and the condor to fly as one.

Coming out of meditation I felt lightness I hadn’t felt in some time. The previous day I was in some heaviness, looking out at a valley by Lassen volcano that had been destroyed by a fire in August 2009, at the time of Jason’s passing. Now I felt that heaviness gone, and I was in inspiration. There is something very powerful about connecting with Jason in this way, as we are merged into one being.

Two nights ago Kule and I joined an Osho group with our friend Rob (Atmaram) in Santa Cruz to do the Quantum Light Breath meditation. I set an intention to release all judgments, especially those I have about myself and what I can create. Jason’s presence was so palpable that another meditator shared that she felt it, too, not knowing about Jason at the time.

During the meditation my pelvis was being rocked rhythmically in a highly energetic fashion, helping release old stuff, and feeling a connection with Source very deeply. Jason was there, helping me rock and roll.

After the meditation I shared my experience and Rob, who had been resonating with Jason’s messages this past year, shared that there seemed to be something unique about the merging that I have been sharing with Jason. Hearing him express this, I felt some excitement, some recognition that this is happening, that Jason and I chose to do this at a soul level.

Yesterday, we walked through the ancient redwood forest and found a 1000-2000 yr old tree that had survived a fire. The inside was hollowed out and charred completely, and the outside was a magnificent giant living tree. Looking up through the inside, I felt very strongly the qualities of death and life co-existing in this tree. It was more than beautiful, it was peaceful ancient wisdom. It was telling me that death and life are not separate, that forms change but do not cease to exist.

The bottom line (or the Top Line) is that we are all one, we are not separate, and we are eternal . My experience with Jason has cleared my doubts about that, and it helps me to pass on this understanding to others by simply sharing Jason’s story.

I am feeling the call of getting to work to publish the book about Jason’s messages, to share this in a bigger way.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Earth Mother, 10/5/10

On this beautiful lush land in Lost Valley, Oregon I was thinking of Jason and being with grief I hadn’t felt in a while. Being here gave me the opportunity to slow down from travel and social activities.

As soon as I started connecting fully with Jason’s spirit on this land, I felt another presence, an omnipresence that was rich and beautiful. I continued walking on the Cedar trail of this permaculture education center outside Eugene Oregon. We came across two tombstones in the woods from the 80’s, when the land belonged to a Christian camp.

Looking at the dates, the first tombstone was of a girl who died at 22 yrs. The second tombstone was for a baby who died at 7 months. Instantly the tears came. I wept for the loss of these children. I felt the grief of the parents who lost these precious young ones. I know what this kind of grief is. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that I came across these tombs on my first walk here. I also knew right away why these children were buried in this remote wooded area, nestled among trees, in front of a prominent tall tree stump that symbolized death and rebirth, nurtured by mother earth.

A sign was on the ground next to the tombs, barely visible in the grass. It read: “From Death comes Life.”

I paused to be with the grief and to feel the omnipresent energy I felt earlier, now even more strongly. This is the divine feminine energy, mother earth. She is loving these children. She is loving all of us. The message was so clear – the land and all life on it here loves everyone who stays here to nurture her back, tilling her soil, caring for her animals, appreciating the beauty, teaching others how to connect with nature in this way.

I got my first class in permaculture at Lost Valley, from the Earth herself.

Moving up the trail to a sunny area, I meditated for a while. When I opened my eyes I noticed a small fungus growing out of decaying matter. It showed me the cycle of life, death and new life. As I studied this small plant, I received a definition of permaculture, of what I call “Personal Permaculture”:

“If we see everything as spirit (energy) transforming from one form to another, then there is no loss and we see abundance and the worth of every living thing.”

These have been Jason’s messages all along, and his passing has given me a clearer view of these energetic connections, and an understanding of how there is no loss when we die, but a change in form. Jason has proven this to me; I have no doubt.

If we can connect energetically with all life, the earth, plants, animals, and other humans in this way, then our fears about loss dissolve and we can live life more fully and create more aliveness within ourselves as well as all we perceive outside ourselves.

This is personal permaculture. I don’t see how we can truly live in harmony with all that is without a belief in this energetic connection, without some spiritual connection. Permaculture education seems to be weighed toward the science and experimental observations, with reference to listening to what nature has to tell and show us. Perhaps there will be greater and greater focus on the spiritual aspect, back to the indigenous wisdom.

I’m curious about pursuing the spiritual path of permaculture, and will be returning to Lost Valley to spend some time here with the land and the knowledgeable and creative people who contribute to this special place.

On our third and last day of our first visit here, I walked along the creek trail and found a soft log to sit on. As I picked up my phone to make a call, it immediately didn’t feel right to be using electronic technology, but rather to be with nature here. I looked up and saw a doe and her baby deer feeding across the creek. I hung with them until they moseyed off to find more food. Back at the parking lot as I was packing the car, I met another mother with her baby who stayed in visual relaxed contact with me for several minutes, it seemed.

The mother energy is strong here, and it has reminded me of how strong my own mother energy is, and my connection with my soul child.

It’s sweet hanging out in Bambi country with Jason.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Travelling with Jason

We’ve been on the road over five weeks, and it feels like I’m past due to get home, although I am on a roll and excited about continuing on. I’ve been used to travelling a few weeks and headed back home, to Jason.

This journey I’m not headed back, and Jason is travelling with me.

Jason is everywhere. He’s taking photographs of Badlands, mystical trees, and weird mushrooms. He’s hanging with the cool young people. He’s checking out the amazing artistic creations. He’s playing with the street musicians. He’s selling his photographs at the community marketplace. Jason would have loved the northwest cities of Seattle, Portland, and Eugene, with all the diversity, openness, and friendliness here.

The emptiness caught up to me today when I heard the marimba playing on the street corner leaving the farmer’s market. The young man was playing a song that sounded very much like Jason’s composition; it stopped me in my tracks. As I walked away on weak legs, I sat with the pain and let it flow out with my tears. Back to being in the moment with my new dear friends, I also reflect on the importance of acknowledging the pain as it arises.

Jason was hanging with us when we visited Ben, Noah, and Samara at Orcas Island. We had so much fun, I forgot the pain of his absence, with the exception of a few moments in which we shared some grief together. Jason was definitely inspiring Ben to do the water phone ritual with water dragons in Crescent Lake. We got randomly silly and ridiculous together like old times, now with Kule joining in. Jason was enjoying watching us play.

Every time I meet someone who talks about their grown up children and what they do together, which has been quite often in this trip, I feel some pain of my own loss. I miss seeing Jason continue to evolve in his human body. I miss sharing my life with him. I miss him. Simple.

I also continue to get clear signs that Jason is with me. At Yellowstone Falls I felt Jason’s power in the flow of tons of clear water. At Olympic National Park during my visit with the sacred Sitka tree, the grandmother spirit blessed me with her love and acknowledged the amazing love I have for Jason; Jason showered his love for me through this ancient wise tree.

These were potent experiences. They brought me back to the place of trusting in the unseen, in the incredible energetic connection we can have with each other in life and after life.

It's awesome travelling with you, Jason.