BOOK SYNOPSIS - Messages from Jason

It was hard, and it happened later than I had planned, but the book synopsis is written and is being submitted to spiritual book publishers.

Thank you to Jason, to all of you who have supported me in this journey, and to all of you who benefit from these messages. It is a gift to me to know that Jason has been a gift to you.

Messages from Jason - A Mother's Spiritual Grieving Journey

There are so many times when I feel like I'm submerged in thoughts and tiny things that accumulate in my head. I start to feel hot and thirsty and overwhelmed like time collapsed into a single second and it's all happening righthererightnow. But then I hear the leaves rustling around me like waves, and I feel a wind brush past me like a soft white sheet, and I breathe the scent of quintessential peace and presence and the comfort it brings. And in this open field things start to expand again.... And now is just... now. – Jason Foster 7/9/09

I never imagined I would lose my son at such a young age, my only child.
I certainly never imagined that losing the most precious being in my life would prove to me that there is no such thing as loss.
Now I am certain that I am here on this earth to spread the messages I received from Jason after he passed from this earth plane at the age of 17.
From the depth of pain has surfaced awe.
Love is the only thing that exists.

Jason was and is an amazing soul. I started receiving his messages the day he died. In the midst of that fresh grief, I woke up in the middle of the night and was moved to write. The pen seemed to move on its own. There was so much to receive. His spirit was so powerful; I cried from the beauty more than from the grief. I wrote every day for months.

The grief may be lifelong, but the book is written. The gifts are eternal and enlightening.

“Evening Reds” by Jason Foster, 2009

Jason was a gifted artist and musician in life (http://www.plutonicfluf.com/ ), and he wanted me to get back in touch with my gift of writing, just as he encouraged me in life to pursue my passion for music. His soul chose me in this lifetime, and he knew that I would totally get his messages and feel his spirit very much alive. He is doing important healing work from the other side, I am certain of that.

I find it difficult to write this synopsis, to distill in a short piece the depth of spiritual integration I received that I would like to pass on to others. The messages “came in” in a very sacred way, and I feel strongly that they should be kept sacred by passing them on intact. I first shared them with close friends on email, and then started a blog, http://www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com/. The messages have had profound impact on many, and I knew they had to be shared more widely.

The first message from Jason was to tell me how free he was without a body. He wanted me to tell everyone that we all limit ourselves in our bodies. He wants everyone to know how big they can be when they follow their passion. He inspired and continues to inspire his friends and hundreds on the internet through his Deviant art account (http://www.deviantart.plutonicfluf.com/) Jason didn’t use the word “spiritual” but he knew how to connect with people through his spirit in a big way. It was easy for him to continue the spiritual connection after he dropped his body.

“Shards of Dreams” - Jason Foster 2009

Jason is a highly evolved loving being. Minutes after I received the news that he had died suddenly in a car accident, I felt his angelic energy rush into me like soft light flashes, and I knew he was fine. He told me energetically, yet very clearly, that he was more than fine; he was exactly where his soul wanted to be to do the powerful work he wants to do. I knew in that instant that I was going to be fine, too, doing what I needed to do here on earth.

Jason’s messages came to me in ways where there was no mistaking his energy. Sometimes they came in with the type of humor he expressed when he was alive. One time he was communicating to me through his computer, and when I told him that freaked me out but that it was quite creative, he said “thank you” and stopped and never did it again. He knew I would get the messages in energetic ways that didn’t freak out his mom. I got them often when I was out in nature, when I happened to find something I had been looking for and realized Jason was handing it to me with a message, when I was reminiscing on great times we shared, when I was listening to his music or looking at his art, when I could feel his energy in cloud formations, and in many other creative ways. Jason was all about power and creativity in life and beyond. There is no mistaking the energy of Jason when it comes in. His energy and his messages come in through his photography and poetry, which will be included in this book.

“Three Benches” – Jason Foster, 2009

I can’t express enough the love and gratitude that I have experienced being connected to Jason’s spirit since he passed. He has taught me that there is no such thing as loss, just change of form. “If we see everything as spirit (energy) transforming from one form to another, then there is no loss and we see abundance and the worth of every living thing” (from the chapter Earth Mother).

My son Jason has helped me to understand that there is only one thing that exists throughout all forms, and that is love.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Messages from Jason:
I’ve distilled Jason’s messages down to 17, Jason’s earth age.
1. We limit ourselves with our minds; if we believe this, we can see more options to create what we want.
2. Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love.
3. When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.
4. Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are.
5. Follow your passion; it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own.
6. We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us.
7. We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs.
8. There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion.
9. Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more to be grateful for. Practice being grateful often.
10. If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth.
11. Surrender. Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Let the love and healing in. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine.
12. There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience.
13. Wisdom comes in many forms, and often not what we expect – from dreams (the unknown), from an inner knowing (intuition), from young people (“old souls”), and from nature. Be open to learning new things and ways; lift your filters. Gifts are waiting to be received if we are open to seeing them.
14. We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen.
15. We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with the essence of your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it ain’t there!
16. Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.
17. Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.

PASSAGES from “Messages from Jason”:

From Message 1 from Jason, 8/7/09, 3 AM the night of his passing:

His love is so big, and now that he isn't in his body he is limitless. He wants everyone to know that it is so easy to let the love in, and he can help us see how we can become more limitless. He is inviting all of you who know how to connect with him energetically to let him in as fully as you can because he is sending healing energy to the planet from the other side. He was so happy to get through to me, and it was quite overwhelming, I was laughing and crying at the same time. My partner Kule asked me what I can ask from Jason, and I asked him to tone it down a bit so I could sleep. He did, right away, it was amazing. Then I fell asleep. His love is magical.

From Message 8 -The Infinite, 8/14/09 :

Jason - what do we need to know about the infinite?

"Nothing - Just Be It. If you try to know it, you lose the connection. We are limitless, but we limit ourselves with our minds.”

From Message 22- Surrender, 8/22/09:

I awoke and heard “There’s Nothing Left.”

Writing it now it means to me that there is nothing left to do but surrender.I’m feeling great peace and love, and now with a sense of calm. It’s the feeling I’ve had when I’ve completely surrendered and I just know everything is perfect. It doesn’t come from my mind, but from my being. I’ve surrendered to the healing that is available from Jason and from my relationship with him and what he has taught me.

Jason is asking all of us to surrender and let the healing in.

From Message 24 – the Big Nothing, 8/24/09 :

This morning I was going through the box Jason kept bedside and found a poem on folded up paper that he must have written this past year, since I gave him the box a year ago. It was about the big nothing, the same title of a story I made up for him when he was about 10 yrs old. Lost my breath once again.

Blajhu – poem by Jason Foster, c. 2008-2009

In wet

Plunging down

into

the deep unknown

Blinded

Not knowing what’s

In front of you

or behind

Submerge

into nothing

Not knowing what’s there

and what’s not

Nothing

and everything

is there for the use

of no one

Falling

Behind of something

in front of nothing

while you drop relentlessly

Two in front of nothing

and from nothing I’m behind

Eager

Leaving the scent

of the light

from the liquid behind you

Swimming

Up above you

Where the light shows bright

You’re being brought

Touching

the scent of the brightness

that you had once lost

And finding it shattered

Leaving

Free to go, I suppose

as I get sucked down

And shot to the sky

Flying

I hover over

the sea

And watch it fly by

Two in front of nothing

And from nothing I’m behind

As I’m sucked down from my steady pace

Contained in a big black nothing

From Message 28 – We Are One, 9/27/09:

I watched the scarlet-yellow painted leaf that I threw into the stream move into a deep hole. It got caught up in eddies and swirled slowly to the bottom and the color faded to emptiness. I trusted I would see it again, and I waited patiently to see it churn upward in the cross-currents to resurface with its sunny colors. The eddies took it down again, reminding me of my emotional roller coaster. I prayed for surrender, trusting completely that this beautiful spirit would resurface with every submerge, in its own time, and be carried with the flow. With that energy of surrender held, I witnessed the sudden catapulting to the surface and with one quick smooth stroke the leaf glided glisteningly across the rocky ledge over a waterfall, where it continued its dance in the joy of being.

From Message 30 – Being, 10/1/09
I asked Jason what gives him the most joy where he is. As soon as I said it, I realized how silly the question was. In the world of spirit there is no such thing as joy or sadness or pain or peace. There is just what is. Being – with no judgment or labels or expectations. Just experiencing what is, with wonder.

From Tsunami, 11/10/09:

I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.

From Grieving Affirmations, 12/31/2009:

I accept Jason’s death; it was his soul’s choice on his soul’s path. The higher plan may not be completely known to me, and I trust in his evolution and in what he is offering from the other side. I celebrate Jason’s life and spirit.

From Message 35 – Move In, 1/9/10:

It feels like time to move on, and the message I got from Jason today is to move in.

I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.

From The Observer, 8/6/10, 1 yr after Jason’s passing:

I found myself watching Jason’s ashes swirl in the water. A year ago this was a powerful shamanic experience, feeling his energy in the ashes, letting it release the intensity of grief. This year it was different. I watched the ashes in interest. I observed the texture. I watched my emotions come up – missing him, wishing he hadn’t died, feeling the fatigue of so much grief over the past year, feeling the joy of having him in my life. The ashes, the emotions, they were all dust, they were all experiences that were what they were. No judgment, just observation.

I looked around Jason’s cove, feeling his presence. The feeling of presence wasn’t separate from me as it was in the past. He was watching as I was watching; we were the Observer together, there was no separation.

From A Year to Live, 8/22/10:

I died when Jason died.

Now I have the opportunity to re-live the way I choose to.

From Travelling with Jason, 10/4/10, on a continuing cross-country sabbatical seeking a new place to live with my partner Kule:

I continue to get clear signs that Jason is with me. At Yellowstone Falls I felt Jason’s unmistakable power in the flow of tons of clear water. At Olympic National Park during my visit with the sacred Sitka tree, the grandmother spirit blessed me with her love and acknowledged the amazing love I have for Jason; Jason showered his love for me through this ancient wise tree.

These were potent experiences. They brought me back to the place of trusting in the unseen, in the incredible energetic connection we can have with each other in life and after life.

It's awesome travelling with you, Jason.

Message 39 - Forever

“I’ll hold you in my heart forever.”

I got the message from Jason in a laminated photo card from 2003 that I found as I went through the last box I was whittling down, packing to leave the next day on our cross-country journey, vacating the house in time for the new tenants. It was in a box of momentos from a chaotic bureau drawer that had not been searched since before we moved to Ipswich. It’s not something I would normally keep, a leftover from the bundled package of 5th grade school photos from Lifetouch, and the kind of souvenir I would judge as being a bit chintzy or something to that effect (well of course parents hold their children in their hearts.)

I know now why it was kept. It had a message for the future for me.

Jason is holding me in his heart forever.

Jason is here for me. He is helping me prepare for my big journey. He is telling me that everything is in my heart and in his heart. There is nothing else that is really important.

Earlier in the evening when the walls of Kule’s room resurfaced after last-minute removal of furniture, we discovered another message posted on the wall.

How in heck did we ever miss seeing that after we moved Jason’s bed? We saved all the poetry and funny creative sketches Jason had posted on his walls, but we didn’t see this one. This was an intimate and heartful one not intended for public viewing, but meant for us to see it at the right time. This was the time, to give us one last message from his wall. I swear he posted it after Kule moved in, I wouldn’t be surprised!

With those two messages, I flowed through the late hours of the night finishing our packing and lifting the last few boxes into the attic. Our home is also holding us in her heart, holding our stuff, should we need it again some day before we sell the house.

It is now 4 days after leaving our home in Ipswich. I am sitting on the riverview porch of Kule’s brother Kim in Wisconsin, feeling the caress of the sun and breezes. It’s time for R&R, after some intense packing, long drives, and sweet socially active times with my college friend Monica in Ohio and Kule’s brother Jon’s family outside Chicago.

I shed a few tears of grief, of gratitude, of relief, of awe. We are really doing this. We are homeless and we are home-ful. We are on a journey similar to what I was supporting Jason to do before going to college, and it’s a journey I have wanted to take for some time.

Jason is inspiring me every step of the way.

Forever.

Love,Mom

Message 38 - Be the Observer

Today is one year since Jason’s passing. In his usual style, he gave me a creative anniversary gift.

I was in the water in Gloucester in Jason’s Cove, swimming in his ashes as I had done about a year ago. I had received a strong message from him a few months ago to release the rest of his ashes, to release attachment to his form. I decided to cheat and keep a small amount in one of his treasure boxes, the one with the coyote in the wild southwest colors. Family and a few friends were with us. I cried on the way, passing by the place in Essex that Chuck and I had always met to pick Jason up from each other. It felt so strange revisiting this day of passing, and I was determined to focus on the celebration of his passing into the light; that felt good to me.

I found myself watching the ashes swirl in the water. A year ago this was a powerful shamanic experience, feeling his energy in the ashes, letting it release the intensity of grief. This year it was different. I watched the ashes in interest. I observed the texture. I watched my emotions come up – missing him, wishing he hadn’t died, feeling the fatigue of so much grief over the past year, feeling the joy of having him in my life. The ashes, the emotions, they were all dust, they were all experiences that were what they were. No judgment, just observation.

I looked around Jason’s cove, feeling his presence. The feeling of presence wasn’t separate from me as it was in the past. He was watching as I was watching; we were the Observer together, there was no separation.

Observing the rose petals float to the far end of the marsh was felt so peaceful; it felt like Jason’s energy. He reminded me to just be and observe. I really got in that moment how Jason was most of his life. He knew how to be and observe. He was always connected to Source in this way. I connect to Jason by just being and observing.

My playfulness took over as other dear ones joined me to swim.

The sacred puja ceremony Chuck led after the swim brought me visions of understanding we are on this earth for a short time. Our energy, our spirit, our soul, lasts forever. Jason is with me in a bigger way than most earth-bounds; he is teaching me to think outside the box, to think outside the body, where it’s all at.

I am blessed to know that the best way to honor my dear son and spirit friend Jason is to be and observe without judgment. Everything has beauty; he certainly knew how to capture that in his photography.

As I swam today I observed the tall green blades of the marsh grass. It reminded me of what his friends Aliey, Samille, and Audrey wrote, the ones who have planned the candle-lit walk to the river we will have this evening:

“The world turns, the sun shines, the grass grows, the birds sing-all of these are simple things that we all know. We've always known them, and we always will.

A lot of people walk by a single blade of grass, without even thinking about the fact that it's there. But really, who would? No sane man would stop to greet a mere piece of grass, which could be plucked so easily from the ground.

Jason was a sane man, and let me tell you, he would stop to greet anybody and give them a hug. It didn't matter who they were, or what kind of a person they were, he was always there to hug, and to talk to. It didn't matter if he was jogging down the hallways of the school, ponytail flapping in the wind and a fantastic grin on his face, he could always stop for a moment and say hello; even to a blade of grass.

He was indefinitely in love with art. It didn't matter what form-whether it was musical, literate, visual, or any other form you could imagine, he loved it, and he lived it. He's absolutely famous in the area, and to some people even all over the world, who have viewed his work either in local shows, or on his DeviantArt account, which is http://plutonicfluf.deviantart.com/.

Just like grass, Jason was gone far too quickly, far too easily, and way before he had finished growing. You could ask just about any kid in town where they were when they heard the news on August 6, 2009. Ipswich, being such a small town, everyone knows almost everybody else. The community was rocked, and people from all over came to Jason's ceremony. The room was hot from humidity and grief, but no one minded at all. At the end, everyone received rose petals, and many still have them.

Here we are, a year later. A year of grief, forgiveness, growth, laughter, birthdays, graduations, pain, change, love, and so much more. A year of Jason. So many people have dreamt about him countless times, others have only gotten to see him once. Others haven't seen him in their dreams at all; instead, he's come to them while they're awake. He's still loving as much as he ever did, if not more. He's helped Samille rekindle her love for performing arts. He guided me, Aliey, through a horrendous panic attack during the MCAS; I don't know how I would have gotten through it if he hadn't been there holding my hand the whole time. I know he's visited countless others in dreams and more. Jason, you just coming to say hey has helped a ton of people get through everything, and thanks.

To celebrate the fantastic 17 years that we were blessed to spend with Jason, we're going on a stroll on the night of his passing. Whether you knew him very well or not, everyone is welcome. Please bring a candle, we're beginning at Audrey's house at 8pm and then walking downtown, and to either the Green Street Bridge, or the Ebsco Publishing Company Riverwalk, (we're still trying to decide which would be better,) where everyone will blow their candle, and say a memory of Jason and/or a prayer to him. Then, everyone's going back to Audrey's to share an evening of memories, love, and Jason.

You're amazing Jason. We've always known that, and we always will.”

Message 27 - Feel the Flow

I felt the flow as Jason’s flower lifted in the wind, settled in a quiet pool of the creek, got pulled into the current, danced in some eddies, and drifted in with the tide. Drifting inward, to my heart and soul.

I’m feeling my flow.

On my morning walk down to the bridge, I saw a small white 5-petalled flower that reminded me of the days when Jason was very young, when he was obsessed with picking tiny wildflowers and marveling at them (later in life he was obsessed with photographing them). I joined him in the marveling; it was part of my life training with Jason, and it’s ongoing. As I walked to the bridge I felt Jason with me so strongly, letting me know with great certainty that I was being supported on my path in life. The tears came from overwhelm more than from sadness.

I released the flower on the bridge with the intention of letting go and surrendering to all the support that Jason is giving me, that God/Spirit is giving me. I watched the flower drift until I could no longer see it with my eyes, and felt the peace.

Peace. Just to make sure I got the message, a dove appeared on the phone line above me. The dove flew along the road ahead of me and perched again.

Peace now and peace in the future.

So much is happening to support my current transition, preparing to journey cross-country and explore my next phase of my life. Right before I picked Jason’s flower this morning I was reflecting on this. Even the challenging feelings triggered about not being embraced by so many in the conservative Ipswich community were supportive – I’m flowing in the right direction, away from Ipswich for an indefinite amount of time, and most likely permanently because I feel what Kule and I are looking is not in this physical location (New England weather, for one!)

I was reflecting on potential obstacles on my path. I no longer had any worry about Jason. What else could I be worried about? I had been concerned about moving far from my mother, but right before I found Jason’s flower I got the message so clearly and so profoundly that the tears almost stopped me in my tracks. Jason was taking care of my mother now. I didn’t have to worry about her anymore. What a gift.

I have evidence that Jason is taking care of my mother and many others. My mother shared with me recently that she has been doing a bedtime ritual of thinking of Jason very fondly, without great sadness. She feels him with her. It’s so true. She’s doing fantastic. I hope I’m doing that well at 80! I’ll book my parasailing flight in 28 yrs, the way she celebrated her 80th with us a week before Jason passed.

So there are no obstacles except the ones my mind makes up. That’s always the case anyway. We do create our own reality, or at least how we perceive it and what we choose to do with it. With no “real” obstacles, I’m left with my own resistance. I’m seeing the fog lift, to see my own resistance.

Bottom line - It’s a great time for a sabbatical.

My intention has been to “retire” this year, to move into working on what feeds me and trusting I get what I need financially. I like the idea of a sabbatical; it sounds so academic (well, I do have a Ph.D…) yet really fits with my current model. I’m not “resigning”, I’m just exploring new aspects of my work. I love my work, and I love the idea of moving into new “work” that feed me in my new phase of life – that of spiritual counselor. I want the time to cultivate that career. I’ve been on overload juggling all that’s on my plate right now with 4 jobs – consulting, getting ready to move, grieving, and developing new work. It’s a bit much for the human nervous system at times, and I’m delegating more of my current consulting work to absolutely the right people who are supporting my path as well as my clients.

I’m definitely flowing.

I used to lead a process called Flow Work – finding our flow and staying in it, manifesting what we want and releasing obstacles in our path. This was influenced by Abraham Hicks (“The Law of Attraction”) the movie the Secret, and in the past 2 years the Avatar work. It’s been my recent life work to teach being in the flow, in our own flow, and now it’s time to really practice what I preach!

The key is to feel the flow. I definitely felt it this morning at the bridge, and I am grateful for Jason’s message this morning. I will recall that feeling when I slip out of the flow.

I’m still drifting with Jason’s flower. It has travelled a long way down the creek since I released it this morning. I can’t see it but I can feel it.

I felt it last night when I was driving home at 1:30 AM in the pouring rain and lightning. The fog was so thick along the Ipswich River road that I had to stop because I couldn’t see the road. I was playing Jason’s favorite rock tunes and I reminisced about our adventures in the car through eery dark roads, making up stories about what could happen to us, and laughing the whole way. I turned up the volume, rocked to the music, and laughed with Jason.

As the plane was approaching Boston last night from the west we had a 20-minute constant-bursting lightning storm that was so unreal , I wondered if it was in my imagination. I happened to be listening to Jason’s ambient music (his first CD Drinnel), and the few songs that were playing through the storm were ones in which he brought in sounds that sound like electricity and thunder. No coincidence?

It’s so awesome flowing with you, Jason.

Message 36 - I'm Right Here

Jason lives. He’s right here. He’s always been here.

I received that message from him clearly a few times this past week. It has helped me resurface easily from moments of deep pain, missing his physical presence, missing the adorable 17-year old that I used to share a house with and a life with, that used to help me relax, inspire me, and make me laugh.

He was right here with me when I was listening to his music the other day, after cutting two new CDs with 2 hours worth of songs he wrote that most people haven’t heard yet. We discovered many of them after he died, and now he is showing them to us with the familiar excitement he shared with so many showings of his photography and music.

He is right here showing off his photographs at his art show in Zumi’s coffee shop and cultural center in Ipswich. I cried at first when it was all up on the wall, a symbol of who he wanted to be in this world. I wished he were there. He lived for his art and music. Now he lives in his art and music. He is right here, showing his art to the world. He sees people coming in to Zumi’s, drawn to the photos, amazed that someone that young could have that advanced an eye, captivated by the colors, unique perspectives, and dream-like images. I get to sit and watch this happening, with a caramel cloud latte. I’m the proud mom and biggest fan. And the best part is I get to be with him in his excitement, celebrating what he lived for.

Jason has told me many times he is right here with me, and I’ve needed reminders. He told me to let go of my child a month ago (see Letting Go of the Future). I got the clear message this past week to let go of more than the child – to let go of any idea of his form, and to trust he is here.

I did a shamanic drumming journey in Essex last Sunday. We were instructed to find our spirit guide in the upper world and ask him/her about any impediments to my growth. It was the first time I had done a journey since Jason died, and I expected that I would see him. Jason has always been my teacher, since he was a baby. I shot up to the sky, my hair and gown flowing back in the breeze, and felt Jason’s hands holding mine as we soared up to a beautiful place. It was a scene he would have chosen in life – the Arizona desert, with Saguaro cacti and beautiful turquoise blue waterfalls.

As we floated, Jason looked into my eyes with that peaceful, strong, confident presence that had always reflected his wise soul. He told me firmly and lovingly to stop remembering him as the 17 year old boy and young adult. He no longer has that form, that sweet, tall, lean, pony-tailed artist. He is formless and limitless. Thinking of him in the old paradigm is impeding my growth. He wants me to be open to being with him in any form, and in the formless. That’s how I will know he is always right here. That’s how I will stay more connected to him and to the other side, where there is so much for me to learn and take back to others. This is my path of service. It always has been, and now I have a more direct channel, by staying connected with Jason.

I’m assisting others to connect with the other side, to trust that there is so much more than the physical world, and to know how much we can benefit by that knowing. We aren’t afraid of death, and therefore we can be more fully alive. We trust in the unknown, and have less expectations about how things need to be. We know how to surrender to what is, appreciating the beauty of all we have, attracting more beauty.

It has been wonderful connecting with Jason in so many ways. I enjoyed being in the Arizona desert with him again. This time we got to play by soaring together and jumping from cactus to cactus. “See, mom, we get to enjoy this even better now, without getting pricklies in us!”

Message 35 - Move In

It feels like time to move on, and the message I got from Jason today is to move in.

I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.

When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.

I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.

Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.

Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.

Message 34 - Be an Avatar

Jason is an Avatar; he knew how to travel to other worlds in life, and he is travelling to this world from the other side. I am an Avatar, and I am travelling to Jason’s world when I connect with him, and other “worlds” of realities I choose to create.

Jason believes we can all be Avatars.

There is no coincidence that the movie Avatar came out after Jason’s passing and as I am preparing to take an advanced Avatar course. The Avatar movie and the Avatar training are unrelated and yet they are so much the same. The movie carries profound messages about realities and how we connect with our physical world, how we expand our consciousness, how we connect with the spiritual realms (and the universal God), and how we can create what we choose. It confirms my hope in the future of our earth when I see movies like this appeal to the mainstream. The Avatar training (www.avatarepc.com) Kule and I did last year prepared me to deal with Jason’s passing, and to understand more about the unseen energies we connect with.

I enjoyed the creativity and special effects of the movie tremendously and the story touched me deeply in many ways. I was also sad at the end, wishing Jason could have seen this movie, he would have loved it. Then I realized – he is the movie. He could have made this movie, it is that level of artistry he always appreciated, and the messages he always believed in.

Connecting with a loved on the other side is training to be an Avatar. Jason is helping me to understand how this works and to teach it.

We choose our reality by choosing which “world” we want to be in. There are so many possibilities. When we believe that we have only what we have in this current field of awareness, then we are limiting ourselves. Our energetic capacity goes way beyond our physical limitations. Those of us who have studied the healing arts know and feel this, and some can see the auric fields. Thoughts are energy. What we believe creates our current experience, our “reality”, what feels real to us.

Yesterday as I was driving at night I entered a dark mysterious forest. I could feel Jason’s presence. He always loved driving; it was a way to move through different worlds in this reality. If he had been there we would have made up some horror movie scene where some wild thing came out of the darkness and approached our car, as we narrowly escaped in laughter. As I moved through this holodeck of possibilities, it felt I was driving through Jason’s energy field. It was a new way of connecting with him, driving through consciousness. I’m guessing he was showing me how he experienced his reality while we were driving. Jason’s creative mind was always alert and creating new realities.

When I completed my first course in Avatar in July 2008, I called Jason in tears telling him this was perhaps the most profound experience in my life. I wanted him to take the course, too. He at first was open to this, and then resisted, as he entered a challenging year of illness and a new level of independence. I was sad at first that he would not benefit from this training; he could perhaps help his body heal. It gradually got very clear to me that Jason was already an Avatar, so I didn’t push him to take the course. He already knew how to create what he wanted with his art, his music, his social life, his home life. He didn’t buy into limitations like many of us do. At some level he couldn’t comprehend how that even happened, but he listened compassionately to his friends who were suffering with their limitations, and they in turn felt released with Jason’s presence and sense of freedom.

Jason’s confident smile always gave me that sense of freedom, of soaring to other worlds of possibilities and creating what he wanted. Every time I look at his picture I get that same feeling, and I know he is there. I can be wherever I want to be, and I can create what I want.

Jason –
I see you.

P.S. Go see the movie. The digital 3D version is great, and I hear the Imax 3D effects add physical vibrations that make for a more intense experience.

Message 33 - Retreat and Relax

Jason gave me a clear message today – it’s time to retreat and relax.

Grieving takes a lot of energy – it’s important work, but it doesn’t have to be consuming. I never had that belief, but I have been tired. I also get the sense that most of the hard work is done, and I feel good about where I am. Writing has been a great support for me, and loving witness. I have abundant support to turn to for help when I need it; just knowing that makes my current journey easier.

Jason’s right (he usually is). It’s a great time to do a retreat, to be in more silence. This time of year is a time of reflection, solitude, and silence for me, following my inner rhythm according to the Solstice tradition rather than the active holiday party-shopping-workdeadline craze. I love the Christmas lights, reminding me of the light in the darkness, and the cozy warming fire and being with loving community. I’m enjoying a slower pace of work, and some interesting work, planning presentations for the spring, and good rapport with my clients. I have no major business travel coming up, and I can do whatever grieving comes up easily.

I’m appreciating the opportunity to do what I need to do, not what anyone might expect. I’m not making commitments to any travel or major events, so I can stay tuned into what I need and not disappoint. I’m trusting I will get what I need, and that I can be available to others when that is needed.

I’m appreciating that others are honoring and wanting to follow my wishes, such as not exchanging presents with my family. I am blessed that everyone understands. I trust we can enjoy the family holiday gathering and include Jason’s spirit in a way that is comforting and sweet and not dwelling on loss. My family understood that I didn’t want a routine Christmas (reminding me of Jason’s absence) when I encouraged them to go to Argentina to visit relatives over Christmas vacation; I am so glad to see my niece Nikki have the experience Jason had 3 years ago, spending time with relatives she never met, and to see my sister Mariana spend that precious time with her daughter the way I got to spend it with my son. I’m so grateful we got to explore our roots together, and to hear Jason create intentionally ridiculous Spanish phrases to humor our blood relatives. They are grateful they got a chance to get to know our dear Jason.

Life can be too short to put off what’s so important to us. That’s why I’m going to Costa Rica to play and explore intentional communities with Kule in early 2010. That’s why we are taking an advanced Avatar training in manifesting, to continually be creating what we want in our lives. I’m looking forward to removing any obstacles (that I might not even know I have!) on my sacred path.

The retreat time for me will be an opportunity to just be, and to listen without judgment or expectation about what any of it means. I’m incubating. The transition will be what it is, and I trust I will get the guidance I need to make some changes in my work and lifestyle that I’m being told will happen. Much of my book on my grieving journey and Jason’s messages has already been written, and I am inspired to continue writing in other areas of my life, such as with my corporate consulting (I am co-authoring a book due end of 2010) and teaching spirituality in the workplace. Rediscovering my passion for writing has been a gift.

Jason taught me how to follow my passion even more than I have been, and to use my gifts. There is one more writing to do before I immerse in silence – Humility and Power. Watching Jason being too humble and not letting his power out more in life, I learned that I also do this. I plan to use my gifts more powerfully, to assist with my own growth and that of others.

Let the retreat begin……

P.S. Being in retreat doesn’t mean I won’t be in communication, but I will choose what communication is priority and what feeds me in the moment. I wish you holiday peace and joy!

Message 32 - Be a Child

Be a child – that was Jason’s message to me today, delivered by the three wise boulders of Labor-In-Vain, after I shared Jason’s energy with them.

Cool. That’s the ultimate reflection – to be the mirror!
(I just wrote about Mirror Reflections).

The message resonated with me deeply. Of course – this is yet another reason to miss Jason, another reason to grieve. When he was around I could be the child through him. When he left the physical plane I unconsciously assumed I couldn’t feel that anymore. But he’s telling me I can.

And he’s telling me that I need to be; I didn’t get to be it much when I was a physical child. I was an adult child, and when I became an adult I continued to be responsible, by taking care of my child Jason. He was becoming an adult, but he would always be my little boy in some way.

So what have I been missing?
The awe, the wonder, the innocence, the naivety, the vulnerability, the play, the being-taken-care-of-ness. I experience all of that, I embrace that, and I have come so far learning with Jason, but perhaps I could be that even more, naturally?
Duh. (That’s from me, but it could as easily be from Jason!)

So what about all the inner child work I did in therapy in my late 20’s and 30’s? All good stuff, and probably more layers to discover. Instead of seeking, and grieving not having had it, I’m being told to just be it. I already am; I just need to push aside the other identities that get in the way. I need to remember that this is an important part of me that needs attention sometimes.

The child has been crying, and I’m being held. The divine mother is holding me, Jason is holding me, I’m holding Jason’s blankie. I’m seeing beauty in all of the decaying trees and berries left on leave-less bushes to feed the winter birds – beauty Jason captured in his photographs. I’m walking faster, forgetting my healing ankle can be sore. Next, it’s time to play! Children know how to shift easily….

I am also reminded that I am always the child, the adult, the healer, the teacher, the musician, and whatever identity I choose. Jason got to be all of those identities and more when he was a child.

I’m being with my child Jason and my child Michelle. We play well together.

Message 31 - Don't Worry Be Happy

Don’t Worry Be Happy

Even though Jason might not have used that exact phrase, that was his mantra. He is telling me this quite loudly this morning.

It’s also an old favorite song from an amazing musician Bobby McFerrin. I couldn’t remember his name, and I got it when I turned on Music Choice on my TV this morning – the first song was one by Bobby McFerrin. Another gift from spirit, aka Jason!

Jason would tell me often not to worry. He would be intense about letting me know, too. When he was a small child, his father Chuck and I would call him our barometer. He would react to stress in the house by fussing and annoying us physically or with sounds. He could be intensely funny, to lighten up situations. As a teenager he would tell us directly and commandingly to stop worrying, sometimes to the point of seeming rude. But he was always right. I often let him know that.

He’s nagging me now. He’s making ridiculous sounds and faces to get my attention, to make me laugh and be in the moment. It’s actually working, Jason. I can’t see you, but I can feel you doing this, like old times. You’re getting me to laugh and cry at the same time. You are giving me a tremendous gift, reminding me to enjoy life no matter what. I know you want me to be happy, no doubt about that. I know I can be happy even though I lost a child, no doubt about that. I trust you are where your soul wants to be, and I am working on trusting that my soul is where I want to be.

So what am I worried about? Us humans can worry about anything. But we forget we have the ability to choose what we worry about. I’m not choosing to worry about not having friends or money or other essential things in life, I know I will always have what I need on the physical plane. What Jason is reminding me is that I can have whatever I want in life at the level of spirit.

I discovered a worry last night. I discovered I am worried that I will let Jason down; he is giving me so many gifts in his passing. Will I fully “follow my passion” as he has done? I am choosing to worry about this at some level. Just writing about it brings more awareness.

Jason wants me to be happy, to be in the moment. Worrying takes me out of the moment.

His mantra is actually:
Don’t Worry – Be

So then my mind says “What do I want to be?” “Who do I want to be?” “How do I want to be?” “Where do I want to be?” …….then I see how silly my mind can get.

But I’ve not only lost my precious son, I’ve lost an identity of being a mother, living in Ipswich, making a certain living to maintain our lifestyle and help Jason through college, etc etc. It’s brought up a lot of emotion, confusion. I’m in a huge integration process. Jason is helping me big time by telling me not to worry, to just Be and that will be Me, and that will make me happy.

He’s so right.

Last night he gave me the idea to write down all the things I would do if I didn’t have to make money. I felt some excitement; he’s on to something here. I thought of so many things I do now, even in my corporate work, that I would do because I enjoy doing them. I had just returned from teaching a course in Northeastern to pharmacy graduate students. I had a great time with them, I enjoy teaching and helping others meet their goals. I thought of so many other things, such as music and writing and dancing and travel. I got cozy in bed with a pad of paper, ready to write so much, feeling it would give me such comfort and passion.

I wrote: Be.
Then I felt complete and slept through the night.

Jason, just keep reminding me the way you always have. You’re awesome.

P.S. A week ago we had a powerful house blessing, a generous gift from Mary Stewart of FengShui Boston. On the altar Kule and I included items representing what we want to manifest going forward in our new life, next to pictures of us and Jason. I put my CD recordings next to Jason’s CD to inspire getting my album together and recording more music, titles of books I plan to write, and intentions for teaching about manifesting, grieving, and living life fully. It’s not a coincidence that I went through the California wave and these strong reminders from Jason. It’s all helped me to continue to integrate. Last night I used the Intuition aromatherapy (“aura infusion”), a gift from Bobbie Courtney, before going to sleep. It’s not a coincidence that Jason came in strongly this morning; I’m so guided and supported.

And I’m almost ready to dance, my ankle is strong again!

See www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com for all of Jason’s messages and writings of my grieving journey.

Jason's Universal Messages

Jason’s messages are universal, and I’m summarizing them for the “mainstream”; you don’t have to believe in life after death or psychic phenomena to benefit from them. I’ve distilled this down to 17, Jason’s earth age.

I’m curious to get any comments on this, and if there is anything else you got from Jason’s 30 messages. They’ve helped me so much on my grieving journey. Many are reminders of what I’ve embraced, but how they came to me through my connection with Jason was very powerful.

1) We limit ourselves with our minds; if we believe this, we can see more options to create what we want.
2) Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love.
3) When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.
4) Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are.
5) Follow your passion, it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own.
6) We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us.
7) We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs.
8) There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion.
9) Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more to be grateful for. Practice being grateful often.
10) If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth.
11) Surrender. Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Let the love and healing in. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine.
12) There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience.
13) Wisdom comes in many forms, and often not what we expect – from dreams (the unknown), from an inner knowing (intuition), from young people (“old souls”), and from nature. Be open to learning new things and ways; lift your filters. Gifts are waiting to be received if we are open to seeing them.
14) We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen.
15) We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with the essence of your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it ain’t there!
16) Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.
17) Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.

Message 30 - Being, 10/1/09

“The ultimate joy is in being.”

I visited the message rocks on the beach yesterday to do some grieving. I was looking for a clear message, but I was open to not receiving anything in particular, just being with the mystical rocks. I found myself stroking the rocks with my bare feet, feeling the weathered patterns and mystical textures, gazing at the intricate patterns of nature’s art. I got in touch with Jason’s lightness and childlike sense of awe, bounding from one rock to the next, standing on the peaks and soaring into the valleys, following the tributaries to wherever they would take me, met with more treasures in the sand and mysterious tidepools.

I asked Jason what gives him the most joy where he is. As soon as I said it, I realized how silly the question was. In the world of spirit there is no such thing as joy or sadness or pain or peace. There is just what is. Being – with no judgment or labels or expectations. Just experiencing what is, with wonder.

Just being with the rocks with no expectations brought me into the moment, away from the judging mind, not needing to describe my thoughts or feelings. I felt free and true.

I got silly on the rocks, saying Be out loud, feeling the buzzing vibration of Beeeeeeeeee.

There really isn’t more to say about being. I just know I need to practice it more and more. Jason was and is my greatest teacher.

Love,
Michelle
P.S. Jason’s poetry speaks of being and letting go of the ego.


Jason’s poetry: 7/2/09

things are things
it’s shit
but then it’s beautiful

and it’s off-white
and monochrome
like walls with scratches
and pencil marks and chipped paint

and it’s red
and colorful
like enveloped in wrinkled sheets
with morning sun shining through

things are just things
and it’s shit
and it’s murky-like and coffee
stained and crinkled
and it’s beautiful.


Cleanse (Stopping It)
Jason Foster, C. 2006 (14 yrs old)

Take off your stupidity
Leave it all behind
Let’s count to infinity
Till we are left unbind

Unload your immensity
Kick it out of sight
Keep with you your fence and me
So we won’t have to fight

Don’t ask for something to get used to
You’ll find it if you really want to
Don’t force a grudge on top of those two
So that I will never have to

Detach from your emancipation
Throw it to the ground
Get used to your overreaction
That you won’t have to frown

Stopping your deterioration
Fastened to the ground
Rise from the couch and take some action.
But please don’t make a sound
(They might hear you)

Drain away your constipation
Of trying to have fun
When human needs see your duration
They’ll claim that you have won
(But at a cost)

Don’t let go of inspiration
It’s all that you have left
Re-grow all your vegetation
So you won’t depend on us when you have gone

Message 29 - Bridging the Worlds, 9/29/09

“We are the bridges between the worlds of spirit and physical reality; there is no separation.”

Jason was a natural bridge. He was always playing in the world of spirit, very comfortable and intrigued with the unknown. I used to describe his photography and music as ways Jason would take the mundane and describable and transform them into magical and indescribable. He also did this in his poetry (samples below).

Looking back through my own life, I see that in myself. I liked being by myself a lot, exploring intelligence and creativity in many ways. Until I was 17 I was so shy I didn’t speak to many people and only hung out with a couple of close friends. I got lost in music and my studies. I was attracted to the mystical, although I had no one at the time to teach me any of it. I used to think my mother was psychic, always knowing who was calling or coming to the door; she has an impeccable intuition that I inherited. My father immersed himself in his work as a doctor (and wasn’t an available father in the earthly sense), and getting to know him through his work and his patients I learned quickly how much he lived in the magical world of being a healer to so many.

Jason was born to meditating parents. When I was pregnant, Chuck and I went to Maharishi International University in Iowa to do a week-long TM course and meditate in the dome with 1000 people. A couple there who were parents warned us in a light way to be careful; being in that kind of energy will attract an intense spiritual soul who might not sleep like other babies. The premonition was right on, and being the parents of baby Jason was truly exhausting. He was a sponge for life and sometimes the overstimulation he attracted exhausted him and created a “difficult” child. The journey with Jason regarding his intensity and creativity would fill a book. I think we did well as his parents, and he grew through the divorce and manifested an art-oriented school in Ipswich in 8th grade and so many wonderful people in his life through his friends and his parents’ communities. All this supported his flourishing into a confident teen who knew what he wanted and what he didn’t want. He thrived in the physical world (except for his immune system) as well as the world of spirit, and left his legacy of art to illustrate this. I am so honored to have supported his path in life, and I learned so much in the journey.

We are all bridges. We are all one. Therefore there is no separation between the worlds.

I am truly grateful for my dear friends, colleagues, teachers, and so many resources that continually remind me of my connection to the world of spirit, the divine. We are all spirit. Everything is spirit. Quantum physics proves everything is energy. We are all one.

Jason’s poetry: 5/3/09:

The universe is an open book
Each planet a single atom of parchment
And its pages with their newly-written phrases
Ink still damp to the touch
Creased down the middle
And folded
The universe is symmetrical

Jason’s poetry: 5-13-09

Death
Is a black hole
(Though not as black as it seems)
Stretches us
Transports us
To an intergalactic gap
Or a violet-green nebula
To an alien air
A lifespan in light years away from here
And when our tenures expire
It takes us back here
Our other home
And we repeat
The circle of life
In a straight line
The bedlam of everything
All at once
That ever
Hasbeen willbe is
Collectively condensed
Into the broken-record
Migraine of now
And us, eternally

Death
Is an illusion
Is the memory-wiping
Painkiller for the
Exciting ennui
Of life
Of us
Of this
Of all

Message 28 - We Are One, 9/27/09

“I am not separate from you. We are one.”

I was seeking a way to discreate despair and I rediscovered one-ness.

I don’t think I ever experienced despair before Jason died. I understand now how so many people who have lost dear ones, especially children, have felt their lives were ruined. So many immediately assumed that I would be devastated. I am so eternally grateful that these moments of despair are short-lived, existing long enough to remind me where I really want to be and who I really am.

I was driving to R.I. yesterday, missing Jason. We always drove down to see family together, listening to music and enjoying each others’ presence. I was seeking Jason everywhere, in the trees, in the music, in the clouds. I was suddenly reminded that I was hanging on to the idea that his presence has to be palpable, almost physical. My mind was seeking so hard and focusing on the notion that I couldn’t find him that I couldn’t feel him. That moment of despair reminded me that I was looking outside myself, that he is in me, that he is me, and that we are not separate. We are one. I could feel Jason strongly with that statement – We are One.

I know about oneness; I’ve experienced it incredibly so many times and studied it in my spiritual and metaphysical work. Why do I forget? So I can be reminded.

We are all One.
We don’t need to seek outside ourselves for anything; it’s all here.

The world is a reflection of me.

That’s a phrase from the Avatar work Kule and I have been doing the past year. It’s so true. Discreation is another Avatar term. We discreate that which we created (consciously or unconsciously, usually the latter) at a time when it served us in some way; it now no longer serves us. I was creating despair and I knew I had tools to discreate it; I have been working on it. However, since despair is a total loss, it was important for me to create what I wanted so that no loss was felt. I recreated oneness; it just happened.

Wow! Throughout all these messages I have been experiencing Jason as separate from me, and at the same time felt his energy merged with mine. I caught glimpses of the oneness but my mind kept coming back to Jason being a separate entity, constantly reminded that that entity was no longer with me in ways that had been comforting to me. I needed to reach another level of surrender of my mind.

I have been asking for help with surrender.

Two days ago I was in the White Mountains with my dear friend Marieanne (formerly Linda) of Texas. It’s been a favorite place of mind and hers and Jason’s for many years, a place where we connect with the spirit of the earth, the guides, and ourselves in magical ways. Marieanne and I had hiked and camped there many times before we had babies. Jason’s ashes are there in our swimhole, Jason’s swimhole; this time we visited other parts of the White Mountains. I will visit Jason’s ashes next summer in a new energy when it is warm enough to enjoy the swimming. It was a perfect day with autumn sun and colors; we enjoyed our time together with no agenda, stopping where we were guided. In one of our favorite spots, the Basin, I was getting lost watching the water flowing through the sculpted rocks. I asked for help with surrender.

I watched the scarlet-yellow painted leaf that I threw into the stream move into a deep hole. It got caught up in eddies and swirled slowly to the bottom and the color faded to emptiness. I trusted I would see it again, and I waited patiently to see it churn upward in the cross-currents to resurface with its sunny colors. The eddies took it down again, reminding me of my emotional roller coaster. I prayed for surrender, trusting completely that this beautiful spirit would resurface with every submerge, in its own time, and be carried with the flow. With that energy of surrender held, I witnessed the sudden catapulting to the surface and with one quick smooth stroke the leaf glided glisteningly across the rocky ledge over a waterfall, where it continued its dance in the joy of being.

I felt the gliding of surrender; it felt so natural and good. I held that feeling as I asked for continued surrender.

Surrendering doesn’t mean I don’t choose what I want to experience. It means I can let go of things my mind creates. I can let go of the belief that I can’t choose what I want to experience. I can choose what I want to experience. I choose what I want to experience, what serves me. I surrender to what serves me.

I cried in my ritual grieving time this morning and reminded myself of the oneness that transforms the pain into beauty.

I can choose to experience the dismal depths or to experience the awe of movement in life and the rejoicing in resurfacing and dancing.

I’m flowing in oneness. Thanks for dancing with me.

Message 27 - The Formless, 9/23/09

“It’s not about the form; it’s about the formless.”

I asked Jason to let the water wash away the grief and attachment to stuff that is prolonging suffering unnecessarily. The ocean water was warm enough today to stay in for a while. I looked up and saw a giant dove cloud and felt a message coming. Jason always knew how to get me to be completely in the moment, experiencing the micro-beauty of everything. I was playing with the water, feeling it flow past my skin in infinite possibilities of shapes and light reflections. I let myself get lost in the formlessness of the water. I felt my form dissolving in the water.

I stayed with the feeling of how nice the water felt. I started feeling the joy of having Jason’s energy with me, showing me new perspectives the way he did when he had a human form.

I found myself saying out loud “It’s not about the fucking form.” My incantations almost turned into a hard rock gig, walking a fast pace down the beach with Jason; it felt so powerful to say those words. I found myself laughing at my mind’s history of putting so much emphasis on form.

I left the beach feeling centered and rejuvenated.

Feeling is formless.
Feeling joy is formless.
Feeling love is formless.
Feeling peace is formless.
Memories are formless.
Beauty takes many forms (the beach held so much beauty in its forms today) and its essence is formless.
What’s more important than the formless?
What’s real about form anyway?
Isn’t it the feeling that really counts? The formless is what counts.

It feels really good to reflect on memories with Jason.
I feel peace when I connect with his soul that is at peace.
I feel so much love for my son.
The formless is what is most powerful. The formless is what counts.

Jason is formless.
I am formless.
I can choose to dwell on the loss of form or I can choose to accept the beauty of the formless.
The formless is what counts.

And then I talk to someone who is attached to form and I experience doubts. We all get attached, so doubts always arise.

I can choose to not be attached to form, and to play with being different forms or being with different forms. I choose to be in this form of a human body, but I can choose to not be attached to the form as a limited identity. Jason says we can be so much less limited. I believe that, but it is not easy to maintain this belief.

I have come to the conclusion many times over the years that spirit is what is important and it feels good to not be attached to the physical. And then my son died, something I never imagined losing. My attachment to physical form and identity has been triggered big time. I’m grateful for the ways that I can experience Jason in his formlessness, and I believe that with less attachment I will experience less suffering. With less doubts I will experience Jason’s energy even more strongly; it’s all around me in his art and music and all the memories. Jason’s death has inspired me to try to really get the big spiritual teachings and to transform pain into beingness, to see that it’s all about the formless and the wordless.

My goal is to experience the pain as a reflection of the beauty and the love, and to feel it all without judgment. Right now it’s a roller coaster.

From all of you on this path to transcend the mind and the form, any reminders are welcomed. And, of course, hugs and healing thoughts and offers are definitely always welcomed. I do feel I’m turning the corner and feeling more peace; thanks so much for your ongoing support.

Loads of Love,
Michelle

Message 26 - Planting Seeds, 9/18/09

“I am planting the seeds for spiritual growth in the future, in a way that the human nervous system can handle.”

I had a profound connection with Jason two days ago during a flower essence journey with Bobbie Courtney. I want to share this with you now and it’s hard to get into the part of my brain that can write about it, so I may add more later. I would love to hear your reactions and insights.

At the start of the session, I downloaded Jason’s power and I got ethereally bigger to meet him and merge with him. Bobbie got there was something Jason wanted to get from me. I found myself giving Jason confidence that he could connect with us in a bigger way, and that he can learn something from me, as he used to when he was a child and I was teaching him as a mother. I helped him be a tree (grounded) and then felt his tree was on fire (passion); this felt like Jason’s power was passionate and also now grounded. I was feeling how this was supporting him to bring his power into this world, and how it was supporting me to be in closer touch with the spirit world. I was also a tree with roots in the earth, connecting with his spirit.

What happened next was very profound. Jason started planting seeds of light into my tree. These seeds are meant to sprout at the right time so I won’t be overwhelmed with what he has to offer all at once. It’s controlled-release spiritual knowledge! Jason was also excited by this, because he couldn’t have figured it out if I hadn’t helped him see how to do it. He is ready to plant seeds in others, and we both got that he will know if he has permission to do this. He is encouraging anyone who wants this to ask him for it. Erin is there with him, and they are flying around with excitement (in their childlike wild fun excitement they shared on earth) to do this; they were both always into healing the world – two beautiful caring passionate souls working together.

Jason was not alone on the other side when this was happening; he was recruiting a group of guides during this process, the way he was always a natural leader with everyone gravitating toward him and his passion. The guides are old souls with young energy, perhaps others who have passed over at a young earth age. Jason, in his usual style, is teaching and inspiring the other guides to plant these seeds in humans all over.

I saw this happening, and I got into my usual mother pattern of telling Jason how awesome he is and to get out there with his power, not to be shy. I could feel him retract, as he had on the earth plane, letting me know he will do it his way. He does appreciate my confidence in him, and he likes to do really big things in quiet ways.

The big message to me is:
We can train other people how to receive these seeds just as we can train spirit guides how to connect with us to give us these seeds; the seeds are spiritual fertilizer. We work together. It will work when we believe it will work. Bobbie sees it as a template, an energetic structure that can be repeated through others and spread.

The other message is that the idea of planting seeds that will sprout at the right time will work so much better than getting hit with a lot at once. We humans just aren’t ready for all of that at once. Some get out of balance with it and have a hard time recovering. Others reject it because they don’t believe it or because it is too much or they are afraid of how it will impact their lives. Still others get it at first, and then allow their doubts to come in and dismiss it later. We can also ask to get these seeds in communities, so we can grow together and support each other through each phase of growth, integrating it in ways that work for us and others influenced by us.

Jason’s photography, music, and poetry capture Jason’s messages; the seeds are needed to open up receptivity to receiving the spiritual messages in these media. I received many of these seeds immediately when Jason died, and I was overwhelmed with the messages that were coming in to me from Jason through his photography, music, and poetry, that I hadn’t seen before. To me, what Jason left behind is a direct channel to receiving his energy in two ways: 1) to remember I am connected with him personally, the way I used to, to know he is with me, and 2) to get the new spiritual messages that are coming in through him, the “new energy”.

Interestingly, the session started with an intention to heal some earthly patterns that caused Jason some suffering that I was tuning into and feeling the suffering. I wanted to clear this, and it allowed me to connect with Jason more deeply.

I want to thank Bobbie for guiding me through this powerful session. We both thanked Jason deeply for receiving this from him, and he thanked us for being able to connect with us.

wow

Message 25 - Playing Heals, 9/15/09

“When we play, we connect with our infinite nature; we are in the moment with joy.”

Jason gave me a new message Saturday night when I was at one of my lowest times.

I was asking to trust that I will understand the purpose of all of this.
I immediately sensed him telling me about porpoise, and I knew it was him because Jason loved playing with words.

A porpoise loves to play; there is also the submerge and emerge. (I am inspired to do more research on Cetacean wisdom, and to swim with the dolphins).

When we PLAY we PRAY.
We get in touch with our divine nature, our highest selves, beyond mind.

Jason taught me how to play. That is an incredible gift that brought so much healing and joy to my life. I didn’t know how to play freely until Jason showed me how. Jason is reminding me to remember all the times we played together and that will reconnect me to him and to the joy I feel when I play, with or without him. Feeling that joy will attract more play in my life – the law of attraction!

It’s working. Thank you again, Jason! I feel him with me again, and that reminds me he isn’t gone and he never will be. His energy is here to stay, and to tune into whenever I choose. It’s my choice!

My mind of course comes in and says – but I just lost a child, how can I play and have fun? Jason gave me the message Lighten Up for the ceremony and he is reminding me how powerful this is. It’s not avoiding grief, it’s finding a way to connect with him and it’s avoiding the attachment to the mind that causes unnecessary suffering. I can play and laugh and then go back to crying in sadness in a natural cycle. There’s no rules about how to grieve, but being in my heart.

Jason and I used to play all the time. We would get silly about the littlest thing. We made silly noises (natural sound healing!) and played with wild silly movements. We loved playing ball with no rules, the more we bent them the better (he detested competitive games). We made up card games and word games. We would go wild with silly hugs and faces and say “Too Much Love!” and pretend to die. We would put pillows under our shirts and come running toward each other from the other end of the room, jumping up and banging into each others’ bellies with a loud shout of “Samurai!”

Jason loved word games, like mad libs and the game I made up with him in our last trip back from California a week before he died, when we cracked up the whole way, making up silly sentences by taking turns coming up with the next letter (try it – it’s a blast – you think the other person has a word in mind then it changes – totally gets you out of your head to be open for anything!).

Jason started sharing a few plays on words with me Saturday night to share some messages:

Nonsense = Non-sense …..we get a lot without our known senses.
Massage = Message….we get a lot from receiving and giving touch
Suffer = Refuss = Refuse…..we don’t need to be suffering necessarily – give it up!
Word = World….If we add love (L) to the word we will understand the world

Jason and I didn’t communicate much with words. Chuck and I couldn’t understand why Jason would tell us so often that he couldn’t understand what we were telling him; he would get overwhelmed with words and didn’t want to read them, either. He was trying to tell us the words get in the way. He would learn best with play. I helped him through the years with homework that he was so stuck about doing by making a game out of it; in his teens he enjoyed making up spoof horror movies to kill the zombie homework.

Jason’s reminder to play is profound for me. I’m amazed at the shift and how I am reconnected to Jason. Jason used to tell me I worried too much (and I of course got a bit defensive and said I worry a lot less than most people, but I did listen and learn) and I am understanding more and more about what our minds do to us.

I’m also reminded by so much I’ve learned from Kule (from Non-Violent Communication training) that when we miss someone we are missing what we got from them and how we felt when we were with them, and there are other ways to get that when the other person isn’t around (there are many strategies to get our needs met). Jason’s huge gift to me was to teach me how to play, and now I can remember all those times and it’s like he is right there teaching me again. Each time I get it even more.

I’m ready to play more, and it feels good. I could use some support to remind me. Jason is my best reminder. I love him so much and I am so grateful for what he gave me.

Samurai, dude!

Message 24 - Listen To Your Messages, 8/30/09

“Listen to your own messages.”

Jason’s favorite number was 24, according to a school English paper he wrote 4 years ago.
It feels like this is the last message - message 24 - and it’s from me.

The messages I have been receiving have been very clear, coming from a high place, and overwhelming at times. However, they are not new messages; we receive these all the time and they are everywhere. The way I have been receiving them from Jason has blown me away, in awe of the wisdom and power of my son’s spirit and my clear connection with him. We all have access to this wisdom, and I have had an advanced course these last 3 weeks on how our filters prevent us from hearing many messages at all, and hearing all of them more clearly. Amidst the sorrow, love has dissolved filters and I continue to bathe in the pure light.

I encourage you to re-read Jason’s messages in light of your own wisdom.
I remind you to continue to listen to your own messages and be open to new ways of receiving them.
I ask you to remind me to do the same.
This is what loving community is all about.

Thank you for being here for me, Chuck, and Kule.

Love eternal,
Michelle

Message 23 - Listen to Youth, 8/29/09

Listen to the youth, and capture their wisdom.”

Yesterday I spread Jason’s remaining ashes in our favorite swimhole in the White Mountains, feeling the awe, joy, and beauty that Jason had felt when we would visit since he was 6. His ashes and rose petals flowed down the waterfalls he played with many times, and sank into the deep cold water that we had always jumped into, with squeals of cold and delight. Little glittery red hearts followed the ashes in, reminding me of his love. Kule, Christine, and I (and many others we held with us, including Chuck) were in awe of the magic of the place and of Jason’s energy there. A cloud came by to steal our warm sun, and before I could get upset with it, I gazed at it and saw its powerful archangel form.

As I rested against the sun-warmed quartz-laiden ledge, I meditated on the message I received from Jason the day before.

Young people hold the answers to how we can heal the planet, but they don’t know how to express it in a way that adults (the ones that have the power to use their knowledge to make change in the world) understand. There were so many ways that Jason tried to express something in frustration throughout his life (as an energetic child, then a secretive young adult), and I knew there was so much that was there but could not be communicated in the ways we are used to. He was able to express so much in his art and music, and I am getting this more since he left his physical form. There’s a new energy needed for the healing of the planet that is coming in, and we may be getting it in new ways. If we open to the possibility of this, then we will get so much we were missing before.

Professional photographers and musicians and academicians in these areas recognized Jason’s gift as an artist and encouraged him to study so he could become a “real” artist. Jason and I took on the belief that he wasn’t ready to sell his art and music (although he wanted to) because he wasn’t an adult. Society has certain rules to follow, and we blindly follow them.

Adults don’t listen to kids. Kids say that all the time, and adults are in denial of it. Jason told me several times in the past year that I wasn’t listening to him. I was hearing all his words and his frustration, and I was frustrated that he couldn’t clarify what he meant. I loved him and let it go, but was always curious about this. I am getting some insights about this with Jason’s message. Adults assume children don’t have much wisdom and want them to grow up, go to college, take on adult ways, and then they will be listened to. I always knew Jason was a wise soul, but I have been humbled more and more as I receive his messages and reflect on his life.

Jason used to tell me I worried too much. My response was usually to let him know that the amount I worry is miniscule compared to most people, so why was he giving me a hard time about it? That wasn’t enough for him. He saw patterns he didn’t understand and was rightly questioning them. Why do adults do things because they are supposed to or because they are conditioned to by parental or society expectations? We don’t even realize that we have them. After taking Avatar training last summer, I have opened up to seeing these patterns (transparent beliefs) and working on releasing them more and more. Young people see the patterns and in their frustration they close down to trying to communicate this, closing off a portal to major needed change. Then they become adults and take on adult patterns, and the cycle continues.

Children don’t have the human skills that we are used to using to communicate. They need us to help them by being open to listening, however we can do that. In order to do this, we must be open to new paradigms, not assuming the old ways work, and become aware of unsupportive beliefs to release them. Society medicates our children for ADD and alienates the kids that might hold the keys. Many adults have found how to communicate with these “special” youth, such as new age healers, “psychic channellers,” etc. I believe all of us have the capacity to do this and we just don’t believe we can. Love for our children is a welcome door.

Many adults have the wisdom of this new energy, and can access it in their youthful and ageless sense of awe and wonder, through artistic expression that transcends the mind. These adults already have the capacity to communicate with the new energy, many of them having been “indigo” children themselves. We are finding each other, and we can collectively harness this new energy and translate it for the world to receive healing. We can empower the young people to express themselves the way they do, and listen more carefully, getting beyond our filters.

Youth, nature, and mystical creative expression hold keys to so much wisdom.

As parents, Chuck and I didn’t know how Jason was going to fit into this world; he was unique and adamant about being who he is without taking on rules of how to be. I trusted he would find his way, and he has. He is teaching us from the other side how others can “change the world”, i.e. change our perspective of reality, so that we may all be able to do this work on this Earth plane. Jason’s not the only one doing this, and I have been blessed to receive his clear messages so that we can make a difference. He already has.

It was a hard drive home, crying in the back seat, releasing another layer of grief with the last layer of ashes. It felt like the pain of birth labor, in reverse. The more I cry and breathe through the pain, the more the beauty of Jason’s energy in my life surfaces, and I get the blessings.

I look forward to the next time we jump in that swimhole together next summer.

Waterfalls of Love,
Michelle

Message 22- Surrender, 8/27/09

“Surrender to the healing”

5:05 AM
5 = Magic, tuning into our spirit
0 = Infinite being

I awoke and heard “There’s Nothing Left.”
Writing it now it means to me that there is nothing left to do but surrender.

It has been 3 weeks since Jason passed away, with 21 messages, one per day.
2+1=3
3 = The new energy

I’m feeling great peace and love, and now with a sense of calm. It’s the feeling I’ve had when I’ve completely surrendered and I just know everything is perfect. It doesn’t come from my mind, but from my being.

I’ve surrendered to the healing that is available from Jason and from my relationship with him and what he has taught me.
Jason is asking all of us to surrender and let the healing in.

The tragic death of anyone, especially a young, vibrant and angelic being such as Jason, triggers amazing stuff in everyone. This is a gift, to know our deepest fears and limitations, because with that awareness we can get to the next level of healing. It’s been years since I’ve been afraid of dying or death in general, but I always thought that losing Jason (or seeing him suffer) would be the hardest thing I could ever experience. Until about 6 months ago, it would have devastated me to lose my baby. I went through a difficult process last year, surrendering to his request to let him live life the way he wanted to, seeking his independence, and not wanting me to “control” in any way. I was finally able to do that and get to the point of accepting that he may make the wrong decisions, and he may suffer, and that I need to be prepared for that and know that I am not responsible for that. In fact, Jason insisted that I not be responsible. The only thing he wanted was help with logistical things he was unable to do well (earthly things) – making food, driving him, reminding him to take vitamins, doing laundry, etc. He also told me that, although he needed space, never to forget he loves me.

I surrendered to Jason in life and I am surrendering to him in death.

Having just written this I feel incredibly free and incredibly sad at the same time. There is mystery in that dichotomy. The only thing that makes sense to me is the love that I feel; that is real.

Jason chose his path, and the best way to be a parent is to accept his decision. I trust his wise soul.
What has also helped me to accept this, tremendously, is to know that his death has created so much healing in family, friends, and people he didn’t know, who were inspired by his art and his story. It touches me deeply to receive messages from people who have been healed by him in life and in death.

Try getting lost in Jason’s art or music, to get how much he was in the moment, capturing the essence and beauty of all things. He knew how to surrender, and he wants us to know how easy it can be to let go of the mind and surrender to the moment. The healing is right there for you, you can just let it in.

Love
Michelle