Tuesday, March 16, 2010


When Jason was alive I had a strong purpose – to be the best parent I could and to help Jason become a happy independent adult. My work strategy was based on this purpose. I worked for myself, out of our home, making enough money to maintain the lifestyle needed to be in the Ipswich school system so he could thrive as an artist. He did, and the decision was a good one, just 20 minutes from his father Chuck. Jason expressed himself as a true and talented artist, leaving us his wonderful works of art and music.

When Jason and I moved to Ipswich we had a 5-year plan to move to where we both wanted to be, independently, when Jason graduated from high school. I’m right on target with my decision to move now, and it feels so freeing. My partner Kule and I are ready to explore our individual and collective purposes together.

Jason’s main purpose in life was to follow his passion and creativity, and he continuously inspires me to do this. I know I inspired him, and it’s coming right back at me. He is cheering me on to move from Ipswich to wherever my spirit flies. His spirit is flying free, and so is mine. I just happen to have a physical body, which could be considered a minor detail.

Whittling down my possessions in anticipation of a sale and a move in the near future stirred up some energy, creating some big grief waves. I’m surfing the waves again, feeling the sadness and the adventure at the same time. I’m waterskiing in the peaceful wake, plunging into the wet tears, and jumping the wild waves. I look at Jason’s photo on the wall and he smiles. Actually he lightens up and has an expression similar to the one we shared when we parasailed 1500 ft above Lake Tahoe a week before his body left this earth.


So many people wonder what their purpose is, and often feel bad about themselves if they don’t have a purpose in life. I’m feeling called to assist anyone who thinks this way, and help them to feel into it. What excites them? If we follow that feeling of excitement, freedom, passion, and love, I believe we can’t go wrong. That’s my path.

I don’t know where I will end up. We’ll check out North Carolina, California, and Costa Rica again for starters, and feel our way across the country, visiting dear friends and family along the way. We’ll explore spiritual sustainable places to live and perhaps to build a home. We’ll teach building community, manifesting, Avatar, sound healing, and presence. We’ll serve the world however we can, the way it feeds us as well. We’ll connect with the earth, seeing new forms of beauty we may not have experienced. Jason will be there with me, 50 yards behind me on each path, taking photos in his usual slow and careful style, wanting to get the best shot with the best energy. I couldn’t rush him through that process, and now he is inspiring me to slow down and be with my process. Just be.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of being simultaneously the most excited I’ve been in my life while experiencing the greatest pain of loss I’ve ever experienced in my life. All I know with my heart is that letting go is important, and accepting what is is all that is.

When I leave the house I won’t leave memories behind; they are coming with me wherever I go. Jason and I loved to travel together, and we will always travel together. I know what it feels like to be with him when he was enjoying the landscapes of the southwest, the open vistas, the waterfalls, the wildflowers, the wild desert, and the most mundane subject that was so unique in itself. Jason saw beauty in everything.

My purpose is to be myself. To be. Jason seconds that.