It is safest to cross where there are ripples.
That’s what the locals tell us. Then you know how deep the water is, so the car doesn’t go where it will later regret. Bridges are too costly to maintain in Costa Rica, and they would get washed away in the wet season. Bridges are not sustainable. Flowing with nature is.
The Ticos (Cost Ricans) are very connected to nature, their life is about going with the flow. I’m tuning into that energy here, and I still stand out like a sore thumb American. We have been so acculturated to be “on guard”, having to “do” vs “be”, to watch the clock and worry about all sort of things. Do we believe that if we worry it won’t happen? An interesting belief….
I worried about Jason; I didn’t want him to suffer. I now see all that energy was wasted. He didn’t suffer, that’s true, he died instantly. I suffered much less than I could ever have imagined; I am so grateful for my processing tools and trust in Source. Of course, I never imagined my son would die before me – what parent would want to imagine that?
Jason always told me not to worry – he would have made a good Tico. I see his photographs everywhere – from the peaceful beige Brahman cows to the animated tree life to the scraggly wood and coral treasures to the comical hermit crabs showing off their shell garments to the windy worm-like patterns in the sand that are messages to us from another world.
Cool.
That’s the dialogue I would have with Jason about this type of experience. What else is there to say? It is what it is, and it feels magical.
I’m finding myself suspended, unable in some strange way to lift my camera to capture a view. The view is beautiful by most standards, but it is not about the view. It’s about the feel. How can I capture this warm tropical breeze cooling me under the shade in a treehouse overlooking the turquoise waters? Can the sound of the waves be captured in a recording the way I hear it now? How can I capture the feel of adventure in our 4WD crossings and kayak crash on the island beach?
And what about the ripples? I felt small waves of grief overcome me as I settled in to this paradise spot. What the hell am I doing here, I thought? I would trade this in a millisecond to get Jason back in my life.
I felt some passing pangs of guilt thinking about how I used to want more freedom to travel, to not have to worry about Jason, my business, the house, the cats, and all of those things I feel responsible for. Now Jason and Nala (my cat) are gone. My second cat Annapurr is with her dear auntie Liz, my house is being taken care of by loving friends, and I am delegating all of my business activities (for the first time!) to a trusted colleague and friend, Fiona.
I experienced a magical flow yesterday sitting under a waterfall, watching my tears mingle and flow with the jungle waters, letting the mother earth energy hold me as I surrendered to the grief. I had nowhere to go in this remote place but with what was right there – my sadness, my awe, my gratitude, my wondering, my connection with the divine spirits that talked to me through the babbling waters.
The land at Finca Las Brisas (a sustainable community under development) has wonderful energy and I like the developers (Al reminds me of my brother Al), and I am impressed with what they are creating, pioneers in a new way of building (off the grid, solar, with minimal roads and footprint and water year-round). This is what we have been looking for, and yet I tune in and it is not yet time to make big decisions. I sit in the ripples, I talk with the local gringos and Ticos, I watch the sun set every day.
Wow – I am crossing through the ripples and I am safe and I am free – to be me.
I’m getting into this Tico thing.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Travelling without Plans
Travelling without plans. This is a new one for me. It’s a metaphor for life.
I’m not used to going on a trip without making reservations in advance. Even if I had time to plan our trip to Costa Rica, part of me wanted to just go and see where we end up. And that’s where we are – wherever we are. Following our intuition, at least most of the time.
I didn’t follow my intuition about reserving a rental car in advance – I resisted doing this to “trust” in what happened. It delayed getting us to the beach by a day but it gained us a laid-back day of getting stuck in a small village with nothing to do but eat and rest. When do I ever get that opportunity?
I have discovered my love for freedom – freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from social rules, freedom from making plans, freedom from seeing my current reality from one perspective. There’s nothing to do in this village of Nosara (although it has a great sandal shop and a fun dinner place called Rancho Tico). But there is so much to do – sit in an open air breakfast café, petting the cabina-owner’s dogs, enjoying the jungle breeze, listening to the tropical birds, watching the motorcycles drive by, practice mi espanol, hang out with my best friend.
Travelling without an agenda is pretty cool, but I do have an agenda. To be me. To follow my bliss.
There was another part of me that wished I had made plans, so I wouldn’t “miss out on life” the way I often felt growing up and until recently, feeling burdened by taking care of others. That’s an old pattern, and I did an Avatar practice to let it go, to free me up to be in my flow. It is so cool to have 3 weeks to travel, so I am not putting pressure on myself to have to be somewhere in a particular timeframe. It is all perfecto.
We have been in Costa Rica 48 hours and have yet to reach our “destination”- the beaches of Nosara and Samara. Our first 24 hrs in San Jose introduced us to the Tico culture and the young hostel world, but mostly gave us an opportunity to rest from an intensive 2-week immersion in personal growth. When we arrived in Nosara yesterday we learned about car insurance and how to research that in advance before going to another country; I followed my intuition not to take the first car deal when I found out theft wasn’t covered in the maximum insurance plan. Waiting 24 hrs for a car brought us to this sleepy village to be sleepy.
We actually do have a plan to meet some folks from Finca Las Brisas, a sustainable intentional community under development – we will see them Saturday for a tour and a barbeque. We have been inspired by discussions with them about a community we may start or join some day. I’m guided to explore intentional community, practice Spanish and chumming with the natives (a store guide already told us our Spanish was good enough to call us Ticos!), and relax into the Pura Vida.
Looking back through my life I would get so intense (and often moody) when life didn’t go the way I planned. Losing Jason wasn’t in my plan, and somehow this created a passage into a new perspective.
I’ve taught goal-setting, shifting from working on all the steps to make something happen, to “being in your flow”, to understanding the law of attraction, to being in a place of hanging with my higher self, enjoying the simple life. I’ve created complications, and now I am creating simplicity.
Jason is here hanging with me. He didn’t like planning; he couldn’t relate to it. He fully experienced the current moment, including seeing multiple perspectives of any one thing, seeing the beauty of all things. He was with me in the 18-seater prop plane flying over the Costa Rican countryside from San Jose to the coast. I felt him say “this is so cool”, sharing the awe of each moment with him, feeling him soaring in the beautiful clouds with us.
P.S. It is the following day – now enjoying the relaxing tropical air, and being……
A small adventure yesterday fording a stream with our 4WD vehicle – the wake went up to the hood! Going outside our usual sense of reality…..
I’m not used to going on a trip without making reservations in advance. Even if I had time to plan our trip to Costa Rica, part of me wanted to just go and see where we end up. And that’s where we are – wherever we are. Following our intuition, at least most of the time.
I didn’t follow my intuition about reserving a rental car in advance – I resisted doing this to “trust” in what happened. It delayed getting us to the beach by a day but it gained us a laid-back day of getting stuck in a small village with nothing to do but eat and rest. When do I ever get that opportunity?
I have discovered my love for freedom – freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from social rules, freedom from making plans, freedom from seeing my current reality from one perspective. There’s nothing to do in this village of Nosara (although it has a great sandal shop and a fun dinner place called Rancho Tico). But there is so much to do – sit in an open air breakfast café, petting the cabina-owner’s dogs, enjoying the jungle breeze, listening to the tropical birds, watching the motorcycles drive by, practice mi espanol, hang out with my best friend.
Travelling without an agenda is pretty cool, but I do have an agenda. To be me. To follow my bliss.
There was another part of me that wished I had made plans, so I wouldn’t “miss out on life” the way I often felt growing up and until recently, feeling burdened by taking care of others. That’s an old pattern, and I did an Avatar practice to let it go, to free me up to be in my flow. It is so cool to have 3 weeks to travel, so I am not putting pressure on myself to have to be somewhere in a particular timeframe. It is all perfecto.
We have been in Costa Rica 48 hours and have yet to reach our “destination”- the beaches of Nosara and Samara. Our first 24 hrs in San Jose introduced us to the Tico culture and the young hostel world, but mostly gave us an opportunity to rest from an intensive 2-week immersion in personal growth. When we arrived in Nosara yesterday we learned about car insurance and how to research that in advance before going to another country; I followed my intuition not to take the first car deal when I found out theft wasn’t covered in the maximum insurance plan. Waiting 24 hrs for a car brought us to this sleepy village to be sleepy.
We actually do have a plan to meet some folks from Finca Las Brisas, a sustainable intentional community under development – we will see them Saturday for a tour and a barbeque. We have been inspired by discussions with them about a community we may start or join some day. I’m guided to explore intentional community, practice Spanish and chumming with the natives (a store guide already told us our Spanish was good enough to call us Ticos!), and relax into the Pura Vida.
Looking back through my life I would get so intense (and often moody) when life didn’t go the way I planned. Losing Jason wasn’t in my plan, and somehow this created a passage into a new perspective.
I’ve taught goal-setting, shifting from working on all the steps to make something happen, to “being in your flow”, to understanding the law of attraction, to being in a place of hanging with my higher self, enjoying the simple life. I’ve created complications, and now I am creating simplicity.
Jason is here hanging with me. He didn’t like planning; he couldn’t relate to it. He fully experienced the current moment, including seeing multiple perspectives of any one thing, seeing the beauty of all things. He was with me in the 18-seater prop plane flying over the Costa Rican countryside from San Jose to the coast. I felt him say “this is so cool”, sharing the awe of each moment with him, feeling him soaring in the beautiful clouds with us.
P.S. It is the following day – now enjoying the relaxing tropical air, and being……
A small adventure yesterday fording a stream with our 4WD vehicle – the wake went up to the hood! Going outside our usual sense of reality…..
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Enlightenment
One of Jason’s first messages after he died was to lighten up. He helped me move toward enlightenment.
Enlightenment is not the first thing one might expect after losing a child.
Why do bad things happen to people? Are they really bad? Who determines if it is bad? If we believe it is bad, then it will most likely feel that way. If we believe that it is what it is, then we are open to experiencing what comes. What if what comes are spiritual gifts? What if we get enlightened from an event that would otherwise be judged as terrible?
When Jason died my world turned upside down and I looked at life from new perspectives. The tsunami paved the way to be open to new possibilities. Instead of seeing everything through filters of loss, I started observing. I started to see what I was gaining.
And I gained a tremendous amount.
I gained confirmation there is a God, I call it Source. The strongest initial experience I had at Jason’s passing was to feel the overwhelming unconditional love that we had for each other. This is Source, and I was quickly convinced that it’s the only thing that exists. My relationship with Source has been strengthened, not weakened, with the loss of my precious son.
I am clear that the physical body is not what is most important, in fact it is the tip of the iceberg of our expanded Self, and a flash of a moment in universal time. The body comes and goes. Everything in our life can come and go. Nothing is permanent except the higher self, our connection with Source. If we can observe what happens without judging it, there is nothing to get attached to and nothing to lose and nothing to fear.
I could connect with Jason’s spirit after he died because my higher self was connecting with him on the other side. My connection with Source combined with my love for Jason opened up this communication pathway. It was more distinctly Jason the first couple of months before he moved up the astral plane away from the physical plane. Now it is more diffuse, but the strength of the connection keeps me more connected to my higher self. Or does my strong connection to my higher self keep me more connected to Jason? Or does it really matter?
We are one.
Jason passed so much to so many in his passing. He passed on to me –love, inspiration, confidence, limitlessness, patience, timelessness, and trust. I know I will be manifesting those things that I have been passionate about for some time and had believed that “some day” it would happen. It’s already happening, because it is in my highest good to serve the world.
To me enlightenment is freedom from judgment and beliefs and old patterns that don’t serve me. It’s about trusting in Source. It’s about being Source.
Jason helped me to connect to Source in a bigger way.
I will manifest what I truly desire, and what is in my highest good, in honor of Jason. In honor of my higher self. There’s no difference.
P.S. I am grateful for so much spiritual support in my life, and specifically recently some training in Avatar – www.avatarepc.com
Enlightenment is not the first thing one might expect after losing a child.
Why do bad things happen to people? Are they really bad? Who determines if it is bad? If we believe it is bad, then it will most likely feel that way. If we believe that it is what it is, then we are open to experiencing what comes. What if what comes are spiritual gifts? What if we get enlightened from an event that would otherwise be judged as terrible?
When Jason died my world turned upside down and I looked at life from new perspectives. The tsunami paved the way to be open to new possibilities. Instead of seeing everything through filters of loss, I started observing. I started to see what I was gaining.
And I gained a tremendous amount.
I gained confirmation there is a God, I call it Source. The strongest initial experience I had at Jason’s passing was to feel the overwhelming unconditional love that we had for each other. This is Source, and I was quickly convinced that it’s the only thing that exists. My relationship with Source has been strengthened, not weakened, with the loss of my precious son.
I am clear that the physical body is not what is most important, in fact it is the tip of the iceberg of our expanded Self, and a flash of a moment in universal time. The body comes and goes. Everything in our life can come and go. Nothing is permanent except the higher self, our connection with Source. If we can observe what happens without judging it, there is nothing to get attached to and nothing to lose and nothing to fear.
I could connect with Jason’s spirit after he died because my higher self was connecting with him on the other side. My connection with Source combined with my love for Jason opened up this communication pathway. It was more distinctly Jason the first couple of months before he moved up the astral plane away from the physical plane. Now it is more diffuse, but the strength of the connection keeps me more connected to my higher self. Or does my strong connection to my higher self keep me more connected to Jason? Or does it really matter?
We are one.
Jason passed so much to so many in his passing. He passed on to me –love, inspiration, confidence, limitlessness, patience, timelessness, and trust. I know I will be manifesting those things that I have been passionate about for some time and had believed that “some day” it would happen. It’s already happening, because it is in my highest good to serve the world.
To me enlightenment is freedom from judgment and beliefs and old patterns that don’t serve me. It’s about trusting in Source. It’s about being Source.
Jason helped me to connect to Source in a bigger way.
I will manifest what I truly desire, and what is in my highest good, in honor of Jason. In honor of my higher self. There’s no difference.
P.S. I am grateful for so much spiritual support in my life, and specifically recently some training in Avatar – www.avatarepc.com
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Message 35 - Move In
It feels like time to move on, and the message I got from Jason today is to move in.
I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.
When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.
I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.
Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.
Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.
I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.
When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.
I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.
Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.
Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Grieving Affirmations
I was feeling agitated yesterday that I’ve had to go through all of this, losing my son, losing my only child, losing the opportunity to see him further flourish in life, and dealing with the grief and all the emotions and energy that come with all of it (with a sprained ankle thrown on top of the pile). I was tired, after working so hard to prepare for some major projects and travel; I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been missing Jason over the holiday break, and I was feeling very sensitive. I was complaining that I want my full energy back, I want to “move on”, and I still hurt sometimes.
It didn’t feel good to be agitated.
I reminded myself of all of the messages I’ve received and all of the affirmations I’ve used.
That felt much better.
I reminded myself that I can decide how I want to experience my reality. I let myself feel the agitation and watch it dissolve. I decided collecting affirmations for my grieving journey into one place might assist me. Here they are for now:
*I accept Jason’s death; it was his soul’s choice on his soul’s path. The higher plan may not be completely known to me, and I trust in his evolution and in what he is offering from the other side. I celebrate Jason’s life and spirit.
*I accept my soul path, and I am grateful for all I have received and trust in my evolution going forward. I celebrate my life and spirit.
*I see myself and others as spirit, as divine essence; the spirit is everlasting, as is the love and what we learn from each other.
*I am confident in my awareness and my abilities to release the old and create and allow the new.
*I know how to take care of myself. I work on maintaining balance and I tune in to what I need, ask for it, and trust I will get it. I attract the right support at the right time.
*I connect with Jason on the other side and know his energy is always with me.
*I connect with the oneness of everyone and everything; I am never alone.
*I ride the waves of grief with ease and calm, knowing I am healing, and trusting in the process. I believe that grief is a reminder of the deep love and connection Jason and I share.
*I experience every challenge in life as an opportunity to evolve and gain even more happiness. Every loss brings gifts. This is confirmed in retrospect.
*I connect with the other side, with the Divine, with Spirit, with my guides, in many ways, at any time. Love and gratitude bring me there easily.
*I am Being in the beauty of each moment.
Happy Loving New Year,
Michelle
It didn’t feel good to be agitated.
I reminded myself of all of the messages I’ve received and all of the affirmations I’ve used.
That felt much better.
I reminded myself that I can decide how I want to experience my reality. I let myself feel the agitation and watch it dissolve. I decided collecting affirmations for my grieving journey into one place might assist me. Here they are for now:
*I accept Jason’s death; it was his soul’s choice on his soul’s path. The higher plan may not be completely known to me, and I trust in his evolution and in what he is offering from the other side. I celebrate Jason’s life and spirit.
*I accept my soul path, and I am grateful for all I have received and trust in my evolution going forward. I celebrate my life and spirit.
*I see myself and others as spirit, as divine essence; the spirit is everlasting, as is the love and what we learn from each other.
*I am confident in my awareness and my abilities to release the old and create and allow the new.
*I know how to take care of myself. I work on maintaining balance and I tune in to what I need, ask for it, and trust I will get it. I attract the right support at the right time.
*I connect with Jason on the other side and know his energy is always with me.
*I connect with the oneness of everyone and everything; I am never alone.
*I ride the waves of grief with ease and calm, knowing I am healing, and trusting in the process. I believe that grief is a reminder of the deep love and connection Jason and I share.
*I experience every challenge in life as an opportunity to evolve and gain even more happiness. Every loss brings gifts. This is confirmed in retrospect.
*I connect with the other side, with the Divine, with Spirit, with my guides, in many ways, at any time. Love and gratitude bring me there easily.
*I am Being in the beauty of each moment.
Happy Loving New Year,
Michelle
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Message 34 - Be an Avatar
Jason is an Avatar; he knew how to travel to other worlds in life, and he is travelling to this world from the other side. I am an Avatar, and I am travelling to Jason’s world when I connect with him, and other “worlds” of realities I choose to create.
Jason believes we can all be Avatars.
There is no coincidence that the movie Avatar came out after Jason’s passing and as I am preparing to take an advanced Avatar course. The Avatar movie and the Avatar training are unrelated and yet they are so much the same. The movie carries profound messages about realities and how we connect with our physical world, how we expand our consciousness, how we connect with the spiritual realms (and the universal God), and how we can create what we choose. It confirms my hope in the future of our earth when I see movies like this appeal to the mainstream. The Avatar training (www.avatarepc.com) Kule and I did last year prepared me to deal with Jason’s passing, and to understand more about the unseen energies we connect with.
I enjoyed the creativity and special effects of the movie tremendously and the story touched me deeply in many ways. I was also sad at the end, wishing Jason could have seen this movie, he would have loved it. Then I realized – he is the movie. He could have made this movie, it is that level of artistry he always appreciated, and the messages he always believed in.
Connecting with a loved on the other side is training to be an Avatar. Jason is helping me to understand how this works and to teach it.
We choose our reality by choosing which “world” we want to be in. There are so many possibilities. When we believe that we have only what we have in this current field of awareness, then we are limiting ourselves. Our energetic capacity goes way beyond our physical limitations. Those of us who have studied the healing arts know and feel this, and some can see the auric fields. Thoughts are energy. What we believe creates our current experience, our “reality”, what feels real to us.
Yesterday as I was driving at night I entered a dark mysterious forest. I could feel Jason’s presence. He always loved driving; it was a way to move through different worlds in this reality. If he had been there we would have made up some horror movie scene where some wild thing came out of the darkness and approached our car, as we narrowly escaped in laughter. As I moved through this holodeck of possibilities, it felt I was driving through Jason’s energy field. It was a new way of connecting with him, driving through consciousness. I’m guessing he was showing me how he experienced his reality while we were driving. Jason’s creative mind was always alert and creating new realities.
When I completed my first course in Avatar in July 2008, I called Jason in tears telling him this was perhaps the most profound experience in my life. I wanted him to take the course, too. He at first was open to this, and then resisted, as he entered a challenging year of illness and a new level of independence. I was sad at first that he would not benefit from this training; he could perhaps help his body heal. It gradually got very clear to me that Jason was already an Avatar, so I didn’t push him to take the course. He already knew how to create what he wanted with his art, his music, his social life, his home life. He didn’t buy into limitations like many of us do. At some level he couldn’t comprehend how that even happened, but he listened compassionately to his friends who were suffering with their limitations, and they in turn felt released with Jason’s presence and sense of freedom.
Jason’s confident smile always gave me that sense of freedom, of soaring to other worlds of possibilities and creating what he wanted. Every time I look at his picture I get that same feeling, and I know he is there. I can be wherever I want to be, and I can create what I want.
Jason –
I see you.
P.S. Go see the movie. The digital 3D version is great, and I hear the Imax 3D effects add physical vibrations that make for a more intense experience.
Jason believes we can all be Avatars.
There is no coincidence that the movie Avatar came out after Jason’s passing and as I am preparing to take an advanced Avatar course. The Avatar movie and the Avatar training are unrelated and yet they are so much the same. The movie carries profound messages about realities and how we connect with our physical world, how we expand our consciousness, how we connect with the spiritual realms (and the universal God), and how we can create what we choose. It confirms my hope in the future of our earth when I see movies like this appeal to the mainstream. The Avatar training (www.avatarepc.com) Kule and I did last year prepared me to deal with Jason’s passing, and to understand more about the unseen energies we connect with.
I enjoyed the creativity and special effects of the movie tremendously and the story touched me deeply in many ways. I was also sad at the end, wishing Jason could have seen this movie, he would have loved it. Then I realized – he is the movie. He could have made this movie, it is that level of artistry he always appreciated, and the messages he always believed in.
Connecting with a loved on the other side is training to be an Avatar. Jason is helping me to understand how this works and to teach it.
We choose our reality by choosing which “world” we want to be in. There are so many possibilities. When we believe that we have only what we have in this current field of awareness, then we are limiting ourselves. Our energetic capacity goes way beyond our physical limitations. Those of us who have studied the healing arts know and feel this, and some can see the auric fields. Thoughts are energy. What we believe creates our current experience, our “reality”, what feels real to us.
Yesterday as I was driving at night I entered a dark mysterious forest. I could feel Jason’s presence. He always loved driving; it was a way to move through different worlds in this reality. If he had been there we would have made up some horror movie scene where some wild thing came out of the darkness and approached our car, as we narrowly escaped in laughter. As I moved through this holodeck of possibilities, it felt I was driving through Jason’s energy field. It was a new way of connecting with him, driving through consciousness. I’m guessing he was showing me how he experienced his reality while we were driving. Jason’s creative mind was always alert and creating new realities.
When I completed my first course in Avatar in July 2008, I called Jason in tears telling him this was perhaps the most profound experience in my life. I wanted him to take the course, too. He at first was open to this, and then resisted, as he entered a challenging year of illness and a new level of independence. I was sad at first that he would not benefit from this training; he could perhaps help his body heal. It gradually got very clear to me that Jason was already an Avatar, so I didn’t push him to take the course. He already knew how to create what he wanted with his art, his music, his social life, his home life. He didn’t buy into limitations like many of us do. At some level he couldn’t comprehend how that even happened, but he listened compassionately to his friends who were suffering with their limitations, and they in turn felt released with Jason’s presence and sense of freedom.
Jason’s confident smile always gave me that sense of freedom, of soaring to other worlds of possibilities and creating what he wanted. Every time I look at his picture I get that same feeling, and I know he is there. I can be wherever I want to be, and I can create what I want.
Jason –
I see you.
P.S. Go see the movie. The digital 3D version is great, and I hear the Imax 3D effects add physical vibrations that make for a more intense experience.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Soul Contract
Jason and I made a soul contract before we both came in to this world. In Soul Story I wrote about Jason’s contract with himself, but I wasn’t focusing about my own at the time.
I’ve written about this in several writings – about how I’ve learned so much from Jason in life and in his passing. How I appreciate so much having had him in my life, even if it were just to be 17 years. I’ve written about our long soul history together, our past lives.
It’s helped to confirm this soul agreement. This belief got further confirmed reading a book that Marie-Anne recommended – Your Soul’s Plan – Discovering the Real Meaning of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born, by Robert Schwartz. When she told me she couldn’t put the book down I figured I had to get it. One chapter is about a mother who lost a fiancé and then her 19 year old son. The story about the son of course resonated with me. Interviews with mediums and psychics brought to surface the story of their soul agreement together, and how she learned compassion from having two big losses in her life. Her son also had a soul contract with the drug dealer who gave him the drugs that caused his death. Jason had a soul contract with the driver of the car; his love for her confirms this.
I didn’t need to hire a medium to get the big pieces of my story with Jason, I’ve been fortunate to get it direct from him. There may be more pieces, and I’m content to get the information at the right time. Unlike the mother in the book, I didn’t need to learn about compassion in a big way from Jason’s death; I think I already had that one down in this lifetime, I learned a huge amount being Jason’s mother in life. What I did learn in a big way is Being (see http://jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com/2009/11/message-30-being-10109.html ).
I also learned that we have a partnership that is everlasting, and that has evolved in each lifetime.
Jason and I made an agreement to be spiritual teachers together. We were doing it when he was alive – we were stealthily teaching each other to be healers in ways that we could each relate to and share with others. Jason was a healer in his own way, and targeted his peer age group and those who would resonate with his nonverbal messages through his mystical art and music, in the ways he brought us each to moments of magic and love. I was already identified as a healer, but my role as a spiritual teacher was not clear to me until Jason passed. In his passing, I have come to understand more fully the continuity of the soul’s spirit, and how we are always connected, in life and in death. It is becoming clear that I will be sharing these understandings more and more with others, who will benefit from what I have gained in my soul partnership with Jason.
As I am writing this, I am feeling so incredibly honored to have been chosen by Jason’s wise soul to do this work with him. At the same time, I am getting some glimpses of the human-limited thoughts, such as “How can I possibly do this justice?” Jason died so we could do this work more fully, and I feel some pressure; I want to honor Jason fully. Luckily, I also feel the patience Jason passed on to me when he passed. (BTW, that’s why they call it a “passing” – so much does pass from the spirit to others – I wrote about this in writing Tsunami). I know I have acknowledged this gift often, since patience has (and still is) not my strength, but it’s a heck of a lot “better” now.
Often when I think of Jason I feel him merged with me. He is not separate. This is the unity consciousness I have always strived to be in, and he did it with ease.
So – duh (as Jason and I would say) I would not see him as a separate being, because he is not. We are also a partnership, and he can do some of his work through me. I guess that’s my new “mother” role. It used to be that I was teaching him to be independent. Well, that’s truly manifested at some level, but now that he doesn’t have a body (an earth-plane medium in which to connect with others on their plane), he is depending on me for that. He is also ready to work through others who connect with him through the belief we are not separate – his father, and many relatives and friends.
I got the message from Jason the night before the ceremony (Message 4 – Lighten Up) to share with those at the ceremony that Jason is embedded in my heart, and if you hug me (or anyone else who believes that Jason is embedded in their heart) then they can feel Jason’s hug. Jason was talking through me at the ceremony – how else could a grieving mother deliver a confident and humorous 10-minute speech? He was there so clearly, hugging the hour-long line of well-wishers at the reception, many of them young friends of Jason who wanted to feel that hug. He was there drumming with us. He was smiling with me, feeling the incredible love that soared from the great transformed sadness.
This is why people die. It’s not a loss, it’s just a passage. We come to this temporary world from another world that is our true home. We come to learn, to grow, and to share. We often wonder what our purpose in life is. I think that’s a healthy curiousity, but the trick is not to be attached to having to know everything, or we can suffer from disappoint or expectations.
I like wonderful surprises. Before Jason was born I didn’t want to know the sex of my baby. My acupuncturist was convinced it was a girl from the pulse, but I sensed it was a boy – one who had great feminine as well as masculine energy. I was right. There was a lot more that I didn’t know…
Life is full of surprises, some not so nice. However, if we truly believe that each challenge in life is there to teach us something on a much larger scale, then we receive the gifts. I know I am being showered with gifts, and that will continue. I miss Jason enormously on the physical plane, and that is very painful. I also understand that I have chosen this path at a soul level, and I am reminded of how rich my relationship with Jason is on the spirit level. If I over-focus on the loss at the physical level, I temporarily lose sight of our abundant connection at the spirit level. When I am connected on the spirit level, which is easy for me to do, having been so connected with the Divine for a very long time, then I am at home, in peace. I feel that every time I look at Jason’s photo. He reminds me of that peace, and it takes me over and calms me during my painful grieving moments. He is here. He is doing great healing work from the other side.
I believe that the death of a loved one creates a clear channel for connection to the other world, to the world of spirit that is there with us all the time but it is not in our awareness. I believe anyone can increase their connection to the world of spirit through the love of their dear departed. I believe Jason and I can assist others with this. We already are.
So many have asked me “How are you getting through this?”, it can be such a devastating experience. I reply that I am so grateful for my spiritual beliefs, that I have always been connected to the Divine (God, the Great Spirit – this has so many names), and Jason and I connected strongly with each others’ spirit when he was alive. When he dropped his body the connection was already there. Being able to communicate with him this way, in a way that I was already used to, has been such a gift. I know he is here and he will always be here for me. His first message to me the night he died was that he is not limited by his body, and he can do so much more. Our spirit is infinite, and timeless. If we do move on to another life, our spirit can still be available to anyone. This is a belief that is confirmed for myself, and I am fascinated by this.
Imagine how less limited we can all be in life if we know that we have this limitless spirit?
I was pleased to hear a sermon at an Episcopal church (the same church where we had Jason’s ceremony) Christmas eve talk about the two worlds. He talked about how in the movie Avatar a man is able to extend his consciousness into another world, a metaphor for how we can all connect with the other world of spirit, of God. He spoke about how we aren’t aware of the richness of the other world, when we are in this one, and he eloquently reminded us of this. I’m curious to have a metaphysics conversation with this man of the cloth. It’s clear he wants others to get what he gets. It was a joy to experience his sharing.
We are all connected. When we all know this there will be world peace.
I feel like I’m getting that world peace within myself. I’m at peace with being in this world, and knowing the other world is there for me right now. I don’t have to wait to die to get there. We already have Heaven on Earth (crediting Maharishi). The earth plane serves a purpose in our spiritual evolution - the raising of personal and collective consciousness.
Jason was with me on this earth plane for a relatively short time (by human standards), but he has been with me and will be with me for eternity on that higher plane, the one that really counts for me!
Love,
Michelle and Jason
I’ve written about this in several writings – about how I’ve learned so much from Jason in life and in his passing. How I appreciate so much having had him in my life, even if it were just to be 17 years. I’ve written about our long soul history together, our past lives.
It’s helped to confirm this soul agreement. This belief got further confirmed reading a book that Marie-Anne recommended – Your Soul’s Plan – Discovering the Real Meaning of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born, by Robert Schwartz. When she told me she couldn’t put the book down I figured I had to get it. One chapter is about a mother who lost a fiancé and then her 19 year old son. The story about the son of course resonated with me. Interviews with mediums and psychics brought to surface the story of their soul agreement together, and how she learned compassion from having two big losses in her life. Her son also had a soul contract with the drug dealer who gave him the drugs that caused his death. Jason had a soul contract with the driver of the car; his love for her confirms this.
I didn’t need to hire a medium to get the big pieces of my story with Jason, I’ve been fortunate to get it direct from him. There may be more pieces, and I’m content to get the information at the right time. Unlike the mother in the book, I didn’t need to learn about compassion in a big way from Jason’s death; I think I already had that one down in this lifetime, I learned a huge amount being Jason’s mother in life. What I did learn in a big way is Being (see http://jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com/2009/11/message-30-being-10109.html ).
I also learned that we have a partnership that is everlasting, and that has evolved in each lifetime.
Jason and I made an agreement to be spiritual teachers together. We were doing it when he was alive – we were stealthily teaching each other to be healers in ways that we could each relate to and share with others. Jason was a healer in his own way, and targeted his peer age group and those who would resonate with his nonverbal messages through his mystical art and music, in the ways he brought us each to moments of magic and love. I was already identified as a healer, but my role as a spiritual teacher was not clear to me until Jason passed. In his passing, I have come to understand more fully the continuity of the soul’s spirit, and how we are always connected, in life and in death. It is becoming clear that I will be sharing these understandings more and more with others, who will benefit from what I have gained in my soul partnership with Jason.
As I am writing this, I am feeling so incredibly honored to have been chosen by Jason’s wise soul to do this work with him. At the same time, I am getting some glimpses of the human-limited thoughts, such as “How can I possibly do this justice?” Jason died so we could do this work more fully, and I feel some pressure; I want to honor Jason fully. Luckily, I also feel the patience Jason passed on to me when he passed. (BTW, that’s why they call it a “passing” – so much does pass from the spirit to others – I wrote about this in writing Tsunami). I know I have acknowledged this gift often, since patience has (and still is) not my strength, but it’s a heck of a lot “better” now.
Often when I think of Jason I feel him merged with me. He is not separate. This is the unity consciousness I have always strived to be in, and he did it with ease.
So – duh (as Jason and I would say) I would not see him as a separate being, because he is not. We are also a partnership, and he can do some of his work through me. I guess that’s my new “mother” role. It used to be that I was teaching him to be independent. Well, that’s truly manifested at some level, but now that he doesn’t have a body (an earth-plane medium in which to connect with others on their plane), he is depending on me for that. He is also ready to work through others who connect with him through the belief we are not separate – his father, and many relatives and friends.
I got the message from Jason the night before the ceremony (Message 4 – Lighten Up) to share with those at the ceremony that Jason is embedded in my heart, and if you hug me (or anyone else who believes that Jason is embedded in their heart) then they can feel Jason’s hug. Jason was talking through me at the ceremony – how else could a grieving mother deliver a confident and humorous 10-minute speech? He was there so clearly, hugging the hour-long line of well-wishers at the reception, many of them young friends of Jason who wanted to feel that hug. He was there drumming with us. He was smiling with me, feeling the incredible love that soared from the great transformed sadness.
This is why people die. It’s not a loss, it’s just a passage. We come to this temporary world from another world that is our true home. We come to learn, to grow, and to share. We often wonder what our purpose in life is. I think that’s a healthy curiousity, but the trick is not to be attached to having to know everything, or we can suffer from disappoint or expectations.
I like wonderful surprises. Before Jason was born I didn’t want to know the sex of my baby. My acupuncturist was convinced it was a girl from the pulse, but I sensed it was a boy – one who had great feminine as well as masculine energy. I was right. There was a lot more that I didn’t know…
Life is full of surprises, some not so nice. However, if we truly believe that each challenge in life is there to teach us something on a much larger scale, then we receive the gifts. I know I am being showered with gifts, and that will continue. I miss Jason enormously on the physical plane, and that is very painful. I also understand that I have chosen this path at a soul level, and I am reminded of how rich my relationship with Jason is on the spirit level. If I over-focus on the loss at the physical level, I temporarily lose sight of our abundant connection at the spirit level. When I am connected on the spirit level, which is easy for me to do, having been so connected with the Divine for a very long time, then I am at home, in peace. I feel that every time I look at Jason’s photo. He reminds me of that peace, and it takes me over and calms me during my painful grieving moments. He is here. He is doing great healing work from the other side.
I believe that the death of a loved one creates a clear channel for connection to the other world, to the world of spirit that is there with us all the time but it is not in our awareness. I believe anyone can increase their connection to the world of spirit through the love of their dear departed. I believe Jason and I can assist others with this. We already are.
So many have asked me “How are you getting through this?”, it can be such a devastating experience. I reply that I am so grateful for my spiritual beliefs, that I have always been connected to the Divine (God, the Great Spirit – this has so many names), and Jason and I connected strongly with each others’ spirit when he was alive. When he dropped his body the connection was already there. Being able to communicate with him this way, in a way that I was already used to, has been such a gift. I know he is here and he will always be here for me. His first message to me the night he died was that he is not limited by his body, and he can do so much more. Our spirit is infinite, and timeless. If we do move on to another life, our spirit can still be available to anyone. This is a belief that is confirmed for myself, and I am fascinated by this.
Imagine how less limited we can all be in life if we know that we have this limitless spirit?
I was pleased to hear a sermon at an Episcopal church (the same church where we had Jason’s ceremony) Christmas eve talk about the two worlds. He talked about how in the movie Avatar a man is able to extend his consciousness into another world, a metaphor for how we can all connect with the other world of spirit, of God. He spoke about how we aren’t aware of the richness of the other world, when we are in this one, and he eloquently reminded us of this. I’m curious to have a metaphysics conversation with this man of the cloth. It’s clear he wants others to get what he gets. It was a joy to experience his sharing.
We are all connected. When we all know this there will be world peace.
I feel like I’m getting that world peace within myself. I’m at peace with being in this world, and knowing the other world is there for me right now. I don’t have to wait to die to get there. We already have Heaven on Earth (crediting Maharishi). The earth plane serves a purpose in our spiritual evolution - the raising of personal and collective consciousness.
Jason was with me on this earth plane for a relatively short time (by human standards), but he has been with me and will be with me for eternity on that higher plane, the one that really counts for me!
Love,
Michelle and Jason
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