Sustainability. We have been experiencing wonderful models and teachers of this in Castillo, Costa Rica. The wise mountain hermit Tomas and the young earth-yogi Frederico live this day to day and inspire others to see that it can be done and it is being done. And we are doing it.
To be one with the earth, one spirit. To take care of our environment. To sustain ourselves with the food of the gods farmed by us gods. To live together in loving community. To be responsible for what reality we create.
My grieving journey is about moving into sustainability. I am finding the lifestyle I want, that Jason would have loved. Here in this small farming town landlocked by the Monteverde rain forest and the Ninos wildlife preserve, the Arenal Volcano park, and Lake Arenal, the magic is endless. The few gringos here are pioneers, and I resonate with that identity.
I am a pioneer. I never imagined the journey I am on now, and I am riding it like a Tico cowgirl, resting on this peaceful porch after a long day on the farm, watching the comical birds twirling upside down on the branches of the sky-bound trees.
I am a writer. That’s another identity. I am a mother. I am part of this ecosystem. I am creating.
I am.
We could retire here. All I need to do is remove any limiting beliefs and trust in the flow that is pulling us magically to this place.
We had a great conversation about this with our villa-neighbor Charlie during his spontaneous visit. It was perfect timing, right after our meditation and tuning into Jason’s powerful energy in the bird-nesting trees. We had planned on taking a walk to Charlie’s, and he appeared at that moment when I had tears in my eyes from connecting with Jason’s message to follow my passion and move here. Charlie shared his passion to have a personal growth center at his farm, and we looked at his land again and felt much closer to seeing this as a home. We have a similar vision, and we could grow the community we want together.
And - oh yes, the magic mushrooms. They sprang up overnight in soil moistened from the rain. The villa’s Tico caretakers Odalie and Doro never saw them there before. Where did they come from? They seemed to appear on the very path we took when we walked across the lawn on our arrival yesterday. We must have tracked spores from our shoes from our walk at Rancho Margot!
Right before we discovered the mushrooms, I had been reflecting on our trip to Rancho Margot and how much we want to live in sustainable community; perhaps we could buy a home there. We are not yet drawn to living at the ranch, but certainly being involved with the community if we live in Castillo. They are doing the world a great service educating us on how to live sustainably.
I got down to the level of the magic mushrooms and asked them what they need to tell me. I heard “you can create what you want anywhere you choose.”
We will sit with our dreams and visions in ice-bound Ipswich and watch the mind. What would we be getting ourselves into? Are we crazy to leave our dear friends and family? And what about the rainy season? Will we regret our decision?
I trust we will process these thoughts. We will compost them like the farmers manage their compost. Transform them into fertilizer and energy for our visions.
I hear Jason telling me I worry too much. I feel him smile when I tell him how much I like Costa Rica and how I could see myself living there and retiring early.
That’s so cool, Mom.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Winds and Lava 2/7/10
This is a magical place in which to be with the 6 month anniversary of Jason’s passing.
The winds are healing and blow away doubts and fears. The volcano erupts and releases glowing boulders of ancient patterns. The lake soothes and cools. This is a world of possibilities, like any other world except with lush vegetation, mystical jungle, and artistic birds. Things grow fast here; the locals use machetes to keep it down. Or you can sit and watch it grow.
People create here, amazing things. We can do this anywhere; this place is a great metaphor.
After I wrote the above, I had two conversations that were no coincidences. This funky hostel (Gringo Pete’s) in Fortuna Costa Rica is a crossroads for people around the world who were meant to meet.
I supported Anna’s process to overcome the belief that healthy intimate relationships are not possible; she knows she needs to get past this to create the work she wants here in Costa Rica – to lead wilderness groups in spiritual earth connection.
Supporting Joseph in his current grieving journey inspired me see that our connection with spirit has different aspects. When we lose someone (he is going through a painful break-up) we lose the connection with the person at the personality level. However, the spiritual connection is always there. This is part of us. We carry this with us in our journey, and use it to create and attract what we want – the right relationship, for example.
I showed Joseph Jason’s photography; he was very impressed and passed on yet another message from the universe to sell Jason’s art; he will show his German friends. I experience what it feels like to share him with others; he is still alive through his art. I don’t cry; I smile and I am the proud mother.
Our souls find each other to learn what we are meant to learn in each moment.
Elizabeth is an independent elderly woman who flows with travel and asks what she needs to in order to catch the right bus. She moved here a few years ago, near San Jose. I watch myself being in awe of the ease some people have with travel. There are even more levels of freedom I can achieve.
We are in the wild frontier and yet there is so much development already. Many travelling here encourage us to visit Nicaragua and to invest in land there, as it is headed in the same direction as Costa Rica. Gringo Pete says they are more gringo-friendly, and I hear they are lovely people.
We met Juan Tortuga, a sweet local spiritual American working on some farms who introduced us to his friend and boss Charlie, a businessman-turned-cowboy who is into personal empowerment and connecting with the elements. Charlie showed us his land and some lots he is selling that border the Monteverde jungle, the land that was gifted by children who raised money to preserve the wildlife, a story that brings tears to our eyes. The land is magnificent, with a view of the lake, the volcano, and the jungle. Why was I not drawn to buying this land? Am I afraid or am I still in some transition shock? Am I following my intuition? It doesn’t feel like home right now, but it is truly magical. We will stay in touch with Charlie and Juan and the couple (Nan and Z) that own the Firefly café; we started to get to know the cool community here.
The energy here is powerful; the lava-spewing volcano reminds us of our power and our transience, and how everything changes and how beautiful that all is. The ashes remind me of Jason’s ashes at this 6-month anniversary. He would have loved photographing this extra-terrestrial place of extremes.
It’s nice to just be, and not be looking for what to do next. Another metaphor for life, for my grieving journey, to learn more deeply what Jason taught me in this lifetime. Why spend a day driving on bad roads to Monteverde? We are on the border of the jungle here, the weather is great, the food is great, the being is great.
Vamos a relajar – I think that’s how you spell Let’s relax. We will stay in Castillo another couple of days, walk to the waterfall, zip-line through the jungle, get massage from the sweet Tico woman at the Sepenthe, sit in the pool and bask in the volcano energy.
And I’ll enjoy this wild frontier of El Castillo, and the 15 km long dirt road with potholes that give you motion sickness if you go too slow.
The trick is to fly fast through the potholes, just sail over them in the 4WD, and not to worry or even notice that they are there. To sit back in the harness and fly through the jungle with no worries and all awe.
Yee-hah! It’s that Tico cowgirl in me.
The winds are healing and blow away doubts and fears. The volcano erupts and releases glowing boulders of ancient patterns. The lake soothes and cools. This is a world of possibilities, like any other world except with lush vegetation, mystical jungle, and artistic birds. Things grow fast here; the locals use machetes to keep it down. Or you can sit and watch it grow.
People create here, amazing things. We can do this anywhere; this place is a great metaphor.
After I wrote the above, I had two conversations that were no coincidences. This funky hostel (Gringo Pete’s) in Fortuna Costa Rica is a crossroads for people around the world who were meant to meet.
I supported Anna’s process to overcome the belief that healthy intimate relationships are not possible; she knows she needs to get past this to create the work she wants here in Costa Rica – to lead wilderness groups in spiritual earth connection.
Supporting Joseph in his current grieving journey inspired me see that our connection with spirit has different aspects. When we lose someone (he is going through a painful break-up) we lose the connection with the person at the personality level. However, the spiritual connection is always there. This is part of us. We carry this with us in our journey, and use it to create and attract what we want – the right relationship, for example.
I showed Joseph Jason’s photography; he was very impressed and passed on yet another message from the universe to sell Jason’s art; he will show his German friends. I experience what it feels like to share him with others; he is still alive through his art. I don’t cry; I smile and I am the proud mother.
Our souls find each other to learn what we are meant to learn in each moment.
Elizabeth is an independent elderly woman who flows with travel and asks what she needs to in order to catch the right bus. She moved here a few years ago, near San Jose. I watch myself being in awe of the ease some people have with travel. There are even more levels of freedom I can achieve.
We are in the wild frontier and yet there is so much development already. Many travelling here encourage us to visit Nicaragua and to invest in land there, as it is headed in the same direction as Costa Rica. Gringo Pete says they are more gringo-friendly, and I hear they are lovely people.
We met Juan Tortuga, a sweet local spiritual American working on some farms who introduced us to his friend and boss Charlie, a businessman-turned-cowboy who is into personal empowerment and connecting with the elements. Charlie showed us his land and some lots he is selling that border the Monteverde jungle, the land that was gifted by children who raised money to preserve the wildlife, a story that brings tears to our eyes. The land is magnificent, with a view of the lake, the volcano, and the jungle. Why was I not drawn to buying this land? Am I afraid or am I still in some transition shock? Am I following my intuition? It doesn’t feel like home right now, but it is truly magical. We will stay in touch with Charlie and Juan and the couple (Nan and Z) that own the Firefly café; we started to get to know the cool community here.
The energy here is powerful; the lava-spewing volcano reminds us of our power and our transience, and how everything changes and how beautiful that all is. The ashes remind me of Jason’s ashes at this 6-month anniversary. He would have loved photographing this extra-terrestrial place of extremes.
It’s nice to just be, and not be looking for what to do next. Another metaphor for life, for my grieving journey, to learn more deeply what Jason taught me in this lifetime. Why spend a day driving on bad roads to Monteverde? We are on the border of the jungle here, the weather is great, the food is great, the being is great.
Vamos a relajar – I think that’s how you spell Let’s relax. We will stay in Castillo another couple of days, walk to the waterfall, zip-line through the jungle, get massage from the sweet Tico woman at the Sepenthe, sit in the pool and bask in the volcano energy.
And I’ll enjoy this wild frontier of El Castillo, and the 15 km long dirt road with potholes that give you motion sickness if you go too slow.
The trick is to fly fast through the potholes, just sail over them in the 4WD, and not to worry or even notice that they are there. To sit back in the harness and fly through the jungle with no worries and all awe.
Yee-hah! It’s that Tico cowgirl in me.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Watching the World
I’m watching the world go by and yet it is so still.
What is still? Who is still? Who watches?
The pelican necklace soars overhead. A Tico boy on bicycle screams through the beach at low tide. The waves lick the shore and get closer, then farther, then closer, as the sun moves in its journey through the sky until it plunges into the ocean. The fisherman’s boat trolls by, in the pace of this sleepy country. The island beach comes and goes, as do the cliff shadows. Am I asleep or awake? Dreaming or imagining? What is real?
Perhaps the sun has toasted my brain a bit too brown.
I might as well be in my home in Ipswich, looking out on the snow-laiden earth watched over by our guardian evergreens and circling turkey buzzards. We search the world. What are we searching for? What will we be watching when we get there? Where are we going, and are we really going anywhere?
Watching the world go by, inside and out.
This is the first vacation since adulthood that I am not thinking about time, about needing to get anywhere. I watch what comes up – the hunger, the fatigue, the need for coolness and water, the grief, the relaxing breeze, the occasional conversation with others that are sharing our temporary home.
I am outside any routine. I don’t even schedule my morning breathing meditation (kriya). I meditate with eyes open. Our beachhouse host and artist at Cabinas Kunterbunt (Tommy, from Germany) looks, acts, and feels like a meditator but doesn’t call himself one – he never learned, it just happens here in this little place of paradise. We make dear friends with our breakfast host, Dolores, and spend timeless time speaking of consciousness. She is grateful to be attracting us into her world here, as we are also grateful for what we attract.
Yesterday I was concerned my mind would get too active – should we stay here longer? Should we go to other destinations in Costa Rica? What will we miss if we go? What will we miss if we stay? Do we ever miss anything when our world is already here?
With my mind in neutral gear, we flow into a decision about our week. We didn’t decide, we watched the decision come.
I’m getting the knack of this watching thing. I’m also getting a bit closer to understanding how Jason’s mind worked. It didn’t need to work. It flowed. It resisted when the flow was challenged, that’s for sure! I’m appreciating that even more now, knowing what he passed on to me in his passing.
Jason passed on to me a way of being in the world that feels new to me, that makes me feel that I have been the child all along.
He knew how to watch the world. He stopped at every tiny flower to marvel at its uniqueness and beauty. He didn’t understand time. I’m getting that time doesn’t exist, so why waste energy worrying about it?
Being in our flow creates more energy. We aren’t wasting energy resisting.
I’ve taught about going with your flow, “moving into your groove”, and manifesting for years. I continue to learn by unlearning, by watching the old stuff that gets in the way, the old patterns, the indoctrinations from childhood and society.
I’ve met some fascinating Americans and Europeans here in Costa Rica. They are great manifesters. They don’t doubt, they just follow their vision. Many are here because they believe the U.S. and other western countries have become too materialistic and complex, too far from simple roots to the earth and spirit. Is this paranoia or wisdom? Is it thinking negatively or is it following their own path? I believe it is wise to follow your intuition about what is right for you, for anyone.
I was inspired meeting the developers of Finca Las Brisas, seeing how they are building off the grid, back to the earth, with no need for heat or A/C, and plenty of water to go around year round. I’m not being led to buying land there, but it is a great model. I will spread the word and support their vision to attract the right people and to let others know about this model.
Meanwhile I will continue to watch, to be the observer of my experiences, thoughts and feelings. To watch them in appreciation of the rich diversity, of all the gifts. To follow my intuition and passion.
I will always be here sitting in the Costa Rican treehouse overlooking the shiny sea. I’m sitting here watching Jason taking photos, observing his excitement of all that is unique.
Watching my world, inside and out.
What is still? Who is still? Who watches?
The pelican necklace soars overhead. A Tico boy on bicycle screams through the beach at low tide. The waves lick the shore and get closer, then farther, then closer, as the sun moves in its journey through the sky until it plunges into the ocean. The fisherman’s boat trolls by, in the pace of this sleepy country. The island beach comes and goes, as do the cliff shadows. Am I asleep or awake? Dreaming or imagining? What is real?
Perhaps the sun has toasted my brain a bit too brown.
I might as well be in my home in Ipswich, looking out on the snow-laiden earth watched over by our guardian evergreens and circling turkey buzzards. We search the world. What are we searching for? What will we be watching when we get there? Where are we going, and are we really going anywhere?
Watching the world go by, inside and out.
This is the first vacation since adulthood that I am not thinking about time, about needing to get anywhere. I watch what comes up – the hunger, the fatigue, the need for coolness and water, the grief, the relaxing breeze, the occasional conversation with others that are sharing our temporary home.
I am outside any routine. I don’t even schedule my morning breathing meditation (kriya). I meditate with eyes open. Our beachhouse host and artist at Cabinas Kunterbunt (Tommy, from Germany) looks, acts, and feels like a meditator but doesn’t call himself one – he never learned, it just happens here in this little place of paradise. We make dear friends with our breakfast host, Dolores, and spend timeless time speaking of consciousness. She is grateful to be attracting us into her world here, as we are also grateful for what we attract.
Yesterday I was concerned my mind would get too active – should we stay here longer? Should we go to other destinations in Costa Rica? What will we miss if we go? What will we miss if we stay? Do we ever miss anything when our world is already here?
With my mind in neutral gear, we flow into a decision about our week. We didn’t decide, we watched the decision come.
I’m getting the knack of this watching thing. I’m also getting a bit closer to understanding how Jason’s mind worked. It didn’t need to work. It flowed. It resisted when the flow was challenged, that’s for sure! I’m appreciating that even more now, knowing what he passed on to me in his passing.
Jason passed on to me a way of being in the world that feels new to me, that makes me feel that I have been the child all along.
He knew how to watch the world. He stopped at every tiny flower to marvel at its uniqueness and beauty. He didn’t understand time. I’m getting that time doesn’t exist, so why waste energy worrying about it?
Being in our flow creates more energy. We aren’t wasting energy resisting.
I’ve taught about going with your flow, “moving into your groove”, and manifesting for years. I continue to learn by unlearning, by watching the old stuff that gets in the way, the old patterns, the indoctrinations from childhood and society.
I’ve met some fascinating Americans and Europeans here in Costa Rica. They are great manifesters. They don’t doubt, they just follow their vision. Many are here because they believe the U.S. and other western countries have become too materialistic and complex, too far from simple roots to the earth and spirit. Is this paranoia or wisdom? Is it thinking negatively or is it following their own path? I believe it is wise to follow your intuition about what is right for you, for anyone.
I was inspired meeting the developers of Finca Las Brisas, seeing how they are building off the grid, back to the earth, with no need for heat or A/C, and plenty of water to go around year round. I’m not being led to buying land there, but it is a great model. I will spread the word and support their vision to attract the right people and to let others know about this model.
Meanwhile I will continue to watch, to be the observer of my experiences, thoughts and feelings. To watch them in appreciation of the rich diversity, of all the gifts. To follow my intuition and passion.
I will always be here sitting in the Costa Rican treehouse overlooking the shiny sea. I’m sitting here watching Jason taking photos, observing his excitement of all that is unique.
Watching my world, inside and out.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Ripples and Flow
It is safest to cross where there are ripples.
That’s what the locals tell us. Then you know how deep the water is, so the car doesn’t go where it will later regret. Bridges are too costly to maintain in Costa Rica, and they would get washed away in the wet season. Bridges are not sustainable. Flowing with nature is.
The Ticos (Cost Ricans) are very connected to nature, their life is about going with the flow. I’m tuning into that energy here, and I still stand out like a sore thumb American. We have been so acculturated to be “on guard”, having to “do” vs “be”, to watch the clock and worry about all sort of things. Do we believe that if we worry it won’t happen? An interesting belief….
I worried about Jason; I didn’t want him to suffer. I now see all that energy was wasted. He didn’t suffer, that’s true, he died instantly. I suffered much less than I could ever have imagined; I am so grateful for my processing tools and trust in Source. Of course, I never imagined my son would die before me – what parent would want to imagine that?
Jason always told me not to worry – he would have made a good Tico. I see his photographs everywhere – from the peaceful beige Brahman cows to the animated tree life to the scraggly wood and coral treasures to the comical hermit crabs showing off their shell garments to the windy worm-like patterns in the sand that are messages to us from another world.
Cool.
That’s the dialogue I would have with Jason about this type of experience. What else is there to say? It is what it is, and it feels magical.
I’m finding myself suspended, unable in some strange way to lift my camera to capture a view. The view is beautiful by most standards, but it is not about the view. It’s about the feel. How can I capture this warm tropical breeze cooling me under the shade in a treehouse overlooking the turquoise waters? Can the sound of the waves be captured in a recording the way I hear it now? How can I capture the feel of adventure in our 4WD crossings and kayak crash on the island beach?
And what about the ripples? I felt small waves of grief overcome me as I settled in to this paradise spot. What the hell am I doing here, I thought? I would trade this in a millisecond to get Jason back in my life.
I felt some passing pangs of guilt thinking about how I used to want more freedom to travel, to not have to worry about Jason, my business, the house, the cats, and all of those things I feel responsible for. Now Jason and Nala (my cat) are gone. My second cat Annapurr is with her dear auntie Liz, my house is being taken care of by loving friends, and I am delegating all of my business activities (for the first time!) to a trusted colleague and friend, Fiona.
I experienced a magical flow yesterday sitting under a waterfall, watching my tears mingle and flow with the jungle waters, letting the mother earth energy hold me as I surrendered to the grief. I had nowhere to go in this remote place but with what was right there – my sadness, my awe, my gratitude, my wondering, my connection with the divine spirits that talked to me through the babbling waters.
The land at Finca Las Brisas (a sustainable community under development) has wonderful energy and I like the developers (Al reminds me of my brother Al), and I am impressed with what they are creating, pioneers in a new way of building (off the grid, solar, with minimal roads and footprint and water year-round). This is what we have been looking for, and yet I tune in and it is not yet time to make big decisions. I sit in the ripples, I talk with the local gringos and Ticos, I watch the sun set every day.
Wow – I am crossing through the ripples and I am safe and I am free – to be me.
I’m getting into this Tico thing.
That’s what the locals tell us. Then you know how deep the water is, so the car doesn’t go where it will later regret. Bridges are too costly to maintain in Costa Rica, and they would get washed away in the wet season. Bridges are not sustainable. Flowing with nature is.
The Ticos (Cost Ricans) are very connected to nature, their life is about going with the flow. I’m tuning into that energy here, and I still stand out like a sore thumb American. We have been so acculturated to be “on guard”, having to “do” vs “be”, to watch the clock and worry about all sort of things. Do we believe that if we worry it won’t happen? An interesting belief….
I worried about Jason; I didn’t want him to suffer. I now see all that energy was wasted. He didn’t suffer, that’s true, he died instantly. I suffered much less than I could ever have imagined; I am so grateful for my processing tools and trust in Source. Of course, I never imagined my son would die before me – what parent would want to imagine that?
Jason always told me not to worry – he would have made a good Tico. I see his photographs everywhere – from the peaceful beige Brahman cows to the animated tree life to the scraggly wood and coral treasures to the comical hermit crabs showing off their shell garments to the windy worm-like patterns in the sand that are messages to us from another world.
Cool.
That’s the dialogue I would have with Jason about this type of experience. What else is there to say? It is what it is, and it feels magical.
I’m finding myself suspended, unable in some strange way to lift my camera to capture a view. The view is beautiful by most standards, but it is not about the view. It’s about the feel. How can I capture this warm tropical breeze cooling me under the shade in a treehouse overlooking the turquoise waters? Can the sound of the waves be captured in a recording the way I hear it now? How can I capture the feel of adventure in our 4WD crossings and kayak crash on the island beach?
And what about the ripples? I felt small waves of grief overcome me as I settled in to this paradise spot. What the hell am I doing here, I thought? I would trade this in a millisecond to get Jason back in my life.
I felt some passing pangs of guilt thinking about how I used to want more freedom to travel, to not have to worry about Jason, my business, the house, the cats, and all of those things I feel responsible for. Now Jason and Nala (my cat) are gone. My second cat Annapurr is with her dear auntie Liz, my house is being taken care of by loving friends, and I am delegating all of my business activities (for the first time!) to a trusted colleague and friend, Fiona.
I experienced a magical flow yesterday sitting under a waterfall, watching my tears mingle and flow with the jungle waters, letting the mother earth energy hold me as I surrendered to the grief. I had nowhere to go in this remote place but with what was right there – my sadness, my awe, my gratitude, my wondering, my connection with the divine spirits that talked to me through the babbling waters.
The land at Finca Las Brisas (a sustainable community under development) has wonderful energy and I like the developers (Al reminds me of my brother Al), and I am impressed with what they are creating, pioneers in a new way of building (off the grid, solar, with minimal roads and footprint and water year-round). This is what we have been looking for, and yet I tune in and it is not yet time to make big decisions. I sit in the ripples, I talk with the local gringos and Ticos, I watch the sun set every day.
Wow – I am crossing through the ripples and I am safe and I am free – to be me.
I’m getting into this Tico thing.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Travelling without Plans
Travelling without plans. This is a new one for me. It’s a metaphor for life.
I’m not used to going on a trip without making reservations in advance. Even if I had time to plan our trip to Costa Rica, part of me wanted to just go and see where we end up. And that’s where we are – wherever we are. Following our intuition, at least most of the time.
I didn’t follow my intuition about reserving a rental car in advance – I resisted doing this to “trust” in what happened. It delayed getting us to the beach by a day but it gained us a laid-back day of getting stuck in a small village with nothing to do but eat and rest. When do I ever get that opportunity?
I have discovered my love for freedom – freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from social rules, freedom from making plans, freedom from seeing my current reality from one perspective. There’s nothing to do in this village of Nosara (although it has a great sandal shop and a fun dinner place called Rancho Tico). But there is so much to do – sit in an open air breakfast café, petting the cabina-owner’s dogs, enjoying the jungle breeze, listening to the tropical birds, watching the motorcycles drive by, practice mi espanol, hang out with my best friend.
Travelling without an agenda is pretty cool, but I do have an agenda. To be me. To follow my bliss.
There was another part of me that wished I had made plans, so I wouldn’t “miss out on life” the way I often felt growing up and until recently, feeling burdened by taking care of others. That’s an old pattern, and I did an Avatar practice to let it go, to free me up to be in my flow. It is so cool to have 3 weeks to travel, so I am not putting pressure on myself to have to be somewhere in a particular timeframe. It is all perfecto.
We have been in Costa Rica 48 hours and have yet to reach our “destination”- the beaches of Nosara and Samara. Our first 24 hrs in San Jose introduced us to the Tico culture and the young hostel world, but mostly gave us an opportunity to rest from an intensive 2-week immersion in personal growth. When we arrived in Nosara yesterday we learned about car insurance and how to research that in advance before going to another country; I followed my intuition not to take the first car deal when I found out theft wasn’t covered in the maximum insurance plan. Waiting 24 hrs for a car brought us to this sleepy village to be sleepy.
We actually do have a plan to meet some folks from Finca Las Brisas, a sustainable intentional community under development – we will see them Saturday for a tour and a barbeque. We have been inspired by discussions with them about a community we may start or join some day. I’m guided to explore intentional community, practice Spanish and chumming with the natives (a store guide already told us our Spanish was good enough to call us Ticos!), and relax into the Pura Vida.
Looking back through my life I would get so intense (and often moody) when life didn’t go the way I planned. Losing Jason wasn’t in my plan, and somehow this created a passage into a new perspective.
I’ve taught goal-setting, shifting from working on all the steps to make something happen, to “being in your flow”, to understanding the law of attraction, to being in a place of hanging with my higher self, enjoying the simple life. I’ve created complications, and now I am creating simplicity.
Jason is here hanging with me. He didn’t like planning; he couldn’t relate to it. He fully experienced the current moment, including seeing multiple perspectives of any one thing, seeing the beauty of all things. He was with me in the 18-seater prop plane flying over the Costa Rican countryside from San Jose to the coast. I felt him say “this is so cool”, sharing the awe of each moment with him, feeling him soaring in the beautiful clouds with us.
P.S. It is the following day – now enjoying the relaxing tropical air, and being……
A small adventure yesterday fording a stream with our 4WD vehicle – the wake went up to the hood! Going outside our usual sense of reality…..
I’m not used to going on a trip without making reservations in advance. Even if I had time to plan our trip to Costa Rica, part of me wanted to just go and see where we end up. And that’s where we are – wherever we are. Following our intuition, at least most of the time.
I didn’t follow my intuition about reserving a rental car in advance – I resisted doing this to “trust” in what happened. It delayed getting us to the beach by a day but it gained us a laid-back day of getting stuck in a small village with nothing to do but eat and rest. When do I ever get that opportunity?
I have discovered my love for freedom – freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from social rules, freedom from making plans, freedom from seeing my current reality from one perspective. There’s nothing to do in this village of Nosara (although it has a great sandal shop and a fun dinner place called Rancho Tico). But there is so much to do – sit in an open air breakfast café, petting the cabina-owner’s dogs, enjoying the jungle breeze, listening to the tropical birds, watching the motorcycles drive by, practice mi espanol, hang out with my best friend.
Travelling without an agenda is pretty cool, but I do have an agenda. To be me. To follow my bliss.
There was another part of me that wished I had made plans, so I wouldn’t “miss out on life” the way I often felt growing up and until recently, feeling burdened by taking care of others. That’s an old pattern, and I did an Avatar practice to let it go, to free me up to be in my flow. It is so cool to have 3 weeks to travel, so I am not putting pressure on myself to have to be somewhere in a particular timeframe. It is all perfecto.
We have been in Costa Rica 48 hours and have yet to reach our “destination”- the beaches of Nosara and Samara. Our first 24 hrs in San Jose introduced us to the Tico culture and the young hostel world, but mostly gave us an opportunity to rest from an intensive 2-week immersion in personal growth. When we arrived in Nosara yesterday we learned about car insurance and how to research that in advance before going to another country; I followed my intuition not to take the first car deal when I found out theft wasn’t covered in the maximum insurance plan. Waiting 24 hrs for a car brought us to this sleepy village to be sleepy.
We actually do have a plan to meet some folks from Finca Las Brisas, a sustainable intentional community under development – we will see them Saturday for a tour and a barbeque. We have been inspired by discussions with them about a community we may start or join some day. I’m guided to explore intentional community, practice Spanish and chumming with the natives (a store guide already told us our Spanish was good enough to call us Ticos!), and relax into the Pura Vida.
Looking back through my life I would get so intense (and often moody) when life didn’t go the way I planned. Losing Jason wasn’t in my plan, and somehow this created a passage into a new perspective.
I’ve taught goal-setting, shifting from working on all the steps to make something happen, to “being in your flow”, to understanding the law of attraction, to being in a place of hanging with my higher self, enjoying the simple life. I’ve created complications, and now I am creating simplicity.
Jason is here hanging with me. He didn’t like planning; he couldn’t relate to it. He fully experienced the current moment, including seeing multiple perspectives of any one thing, seeing the beauty of all things. He was with me in the 18-seater prop plane flying over the Costa Rican countryside from San Jose to the coast. I felt him say “this is so cool”, sharing the awe of each moment with him, feeling him soaring in the beautiful clouds with us.
P.S. It is the following day – now enjoying the relaxing tropical air, and being……
A small adventure yesterday fording a stream with our 4WD vehicle – the wake went up to the hood! Going outside our usual sense of reality…..
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Enlightenment
One of Jason’s first messages after he died was to lighten up. He helped me move toward enlightenment.
Enlightenment is not the first thing one might expect after losing a child.
Why do bad things happen to people? Are they really bad? Who determines if it is bad? If we believe it is bad, then it will most likely feel that way. If we believe that it is what it is, then we are open to experiencing what comes. What if what comes are spiritual gifts? What if we get enlightened from an event that would otherwise be judged as terrible?
When Jason died my world turned upside down and I looked at life from new perspectives. The tsunami paved the way to be open to new possibilities. Instead of seeing everything through filters of loss, I started observing. I started to see what I was gaining.
And I gained a tremendous amount.
I gained confirmation there is a God, I call it Source. The strongest initial experience I had at Jason’s passing was to feel the overwhelming unconditional love that we had for each other. This is Source, and I was quickly convinced that it’s the only thing that exists. My relationship with Source has been strengthened, not weakened, with the loss of my precious son.
I am clear that the physical body is not what is most important, in fact it is the tip of the iceberg of our expanded Self, and a flash of a moment in universal time. The body comes and goes. Everything in our life can come and go. Nothing is permanent except the higher self, our connection with Source. If we can observe what happens without judging it, there is nothing to get attached to and nothing to lose and nothing to fear.
I could connect with Jason’s spirit after he died because my higher self was connecting with him on the other side. My connection with Source combined with my love for Jason opened up this communication pathway. It was more distinctly Jason the first couple of months before he moved up the astral plane away from the physical plane. Now it is more diffuse, but the strength of the connection keeps me more connected to my higher self. Or does my strong connection to my higher self keep me more connected to Jason? Or does it really matter?
We are one.
Jason passed so much to so many in his passing. He passed on to me –love, inspiration, confidence, limitlessness, patience, timelessness, and trust. I know I will be manifesting those things that I have been passionate about for some time and had believed that “some day” it would happen. It’s already happening, because it is in my highest good to serve the world.
To me enlightenment is freedom from judgment and beliefs and old patterns that don’t serve me. It’s about trusting in Source. It’s about being Source.
Jason helped me to connect to Source in a bigger way.
I will manifest what I truly desire, and what is in my highest good, in honor of Jason. In honor of my higher self. There’s no difference.
P.S. I am grateful for so much spiritual support in my life, and specifically recently some training in Avatar – www.avatarepc.com
Enlightenment is not the first thing one might expect after losing a child.
Why do bad things happen to people? Are they really bad? Who determines if it is bad? If we believe it is bad, then it will most likely feel that way. If we believe that it is what it is, then we are open to experiencing what comes. What if what comes are spiritual gifts? What if we get enlightened from an event that would otherwise be judged as terrible?
When Jason died my world turned upside down and I looked at life from new perspectives. The tsunami paved the way to be open to new possibilities. Instead of seeing everything through filters of loss, I started observing. I started to see what I was gaining.
And I gained a tremendous amount.
I gained confirmation there is a God, I call it Source. The strongest initial experience I had at Jason’s passing was to feel the overwhelming unconditional love that we had for each other. This is Source, and I was quickly convinced that it’s the only thing that exists. My relationship with Source has been strengthened, not weakened, with the loss of my precious son.
I am clear that the physical body is not what is most important, in fact it is the tip of the iceberg of our expanded Self, and a flash of a moment in universal time. The body comes and goes. Everything in our life can come and go. Nothing is permanent except the higher self, our connection with Source. If we can observe what happens without judging it, there is nothing to get attached to and nothing to lose and nothing to fear.
I could connect with Jason’s spirit after he died because my higher self was connecting with him on the other side. My connection with Source combined with my love for Jason opened up this communication pathway. It was more distinctly Jason the first couple of months before he moved up the astral plane away from the physical plane. Now it is more diffuse, but the strength of the connection keeps me more connected to my higher self. Or does my strong connection to my higher self keep me more connected to Jason? Or does it really matter?
We are one.
Jason passed so much to so many in his passing. He passed on to me –love, inspiration, confidence, limitlessness, patience, timelessness, and trust. I know I will be manifesting those things that I have been passionate about for some time and had believed that “some day” it would happen. It’s already happening, because it is in my highest good to serve the world.
To me enlightenment is freedom from judgment and beliefs and old patterns that don’t serve me. It’s about trusting in Source. It’s about being Source.
Jason helped me to connect to Source in a bigger way.
I will manifest what I truly desire, and what is in my highest good, in honor of Jason. In honor of my higher self. There’s no difference.
P.S. I am grateful for so much spiritual support in my life, and specifically recently some training in Avatar – www.avatarepc.com
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Message 35 - Move In
It feels like time to move on, and the message I got from Jason today is to move in.
I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.
When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.
I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.
Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.
Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.
I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.
When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.
I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.
Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.
Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.
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