Gestation

It’s been nine months since Jason’s passing. I carried him for 9 months and I’ve been releasing him for 9 months.

It’s so interesting to me that reflecting on this at this time does not bring up intense sadness. I’m feeling inspired. I’m inspired by the memory of Jason. I’m inspired by what we can create in our lives. Life is a continual gestation.

I’m preparing for a birthing of new-ness in my life. This time I don’t have to worry if it’s a boy or a girl, or what name I should choose. I’m taking care of myself and putting my attention on what I want to create in my life, not on what I’ve lost. That’s powerful.

I’m finding I’m not sleeping well lately, similar to the way I didn’t sleep those last few weeks of physical pregnancy. I wake up in the middle of the night buzzing. I’ve processed out most of the anxiety and overwhelm of upcoming changes in my life, thinking of the 100s of things I have to do to get ready for my new clients, upcoming travel, explorations, renting out our home, whittling down our stuff, making my office mobile, etc. I’m noticing now that the energy that’s left is something that is working on me at deeper levels. When my dear healer friend Marie-Anne experiences this kind of energy, she calls it “uploads”. Something is coming in, some new energy, getting me ready for deeper work on this earth plane. Jason’s there, on the other side, helping me with my gestation and midwifery.

I’m a spiritual counselor. That’s my new mantra. That’s an identity that I’m starting to fully embody.

This baby is not separate from me, but I’ll be caring for her as if she were a tender newborn, recognizing her wise soul, allowing the unfoldment. I learned the first time around with Jason not to take the parental role so seriously, not to feel like I have to control everything, not to figure out everything with my mind. Nursing is a meditation; it is grounding and nurturing to the mother as well as the baby. We’ll learn naturally how to crawl together, to walk together, to play together, to just be together.

What should I do to prepare? I’m feeling into it. I’m embracing the role of spiritual counselor. I’m making this role a priority, just like I made mothering a priority when Jason needed me most. I’ve been so busy trying to make everything work, to whittle down my list of to-dos, and I wasn’t paying attention to my priority. Everything else falls into place when I embody who I truly am.

I have been asking for ease, and I’m getting it with the simple act of trusting. I trust that Jason’s passing is teaching me so much that is also beneficial to others. I’m still grieving and healing, and with time I will be taking a more and more active role to bring this healing out into the world. I’m sharing it with my friends and family, with strangers that become dear friends in minutes, with work associates who are seeking more meaning in their lives.

I’m a spiritual counselor, a transition guide, a freedom guide. I’m getting clear about the energy and the role, and the naming of it isn’t as important to me.

I’m enjoying the birthing of new energy, as overwhelming as it feels at times. At least this time I haven’t gained 40 pounds!

Happy Mother’s day to me.

Here’s Jason’s last mother’s day card:
You are such an awesome mom that even in my teenage years I still love you and talk to you. I even like spending time with you! But really, I do. And I’m glad I can be a son you look after and feed as well as a friend. It’s great sharing a house with you and it always makes me happy.
Te amo mucho y yo me espero que tu vas a vivir hasta tu mueres. (Translated: I love you very much and I hope that you will live until you die.)
La ensalada blanca no puede caminar mientras tu duermes (Translated: The white salad can’t walk while you sleep.)
Cuando los dientes estan negros, tienes que cepillarlos. (Translated: While the teeth are black, you have to brush them.)
Es porque los peces viven en las piernas. (Translated: That’s why the fish live in the legs.)
El piel de los gatos se respira quando tu hablas. (Translated: The fur of the cats breathe when you speak.)
Como siempre, te encanto. (Translated: As always, charmed.)
Love, Juan

Note: Jason had his relatives in Argentina in stitches with his Spanish