At 11:11 (All One, as Kule noted - I think I've seen 11:11 almost every night since Jason died) I reflected on a very powerful day.
Erin's memorial service was a key time for me to grieve with another grieving mom, KT. We got there a little late and people led Chuck and me to her, as she interrupted the service to introduce us and have us sit with her. With a photo of Erin and Jason in front of us on the table (a photo we got from Jason's camera - he took the day before the accident), I could cry and cry in between hearing beautiful sharings of Erin's friends, and getting to know Jason's good friend through them. The kids jumped off the pier as they had many times with Jason, and the devastated kids were transformed with the joy of this cleansing ritual. KT asked if we could spread Jason's ashes with Erin's off the pier, and we may do this because it was the last place of great joy for Jason on this earth, and he would love to fly with Erin once again.
Jason was released yesterday. On the way back from Erin's memorial service in Hull, Chuck and I spread the rose petals with his love from the ceremony over the accident site on route 1 where he had been thrown under the guard rail. Kule held the space and set it up so we could drive slowly past the site safely while releasing the petals, watching them fly away the way Jason flew that day, the way he's flown since birth, and the way he's flying without a body now. The ritual felt like we were releasing his body and also healing the accident. I called the funeral home right after that and found out Jason was getting cremated around that time.
When I got home, my beloved Kule held a space for me to help me release Jason's physical form and how that manifested in my life in everyday ways. I grieved for so many things and then realized that there is no way to identify all I will miss - I will miss Jason-ness - his unique character and being. There is no way to ever replace that, and there is no need to, because he is embedded in my heart. I am spending time crying holding the teddy bear I bought when I was pregnant with him at a TM course in Iowa, lying in his bed, making our home his temple and memorial, and feeling the tremendous love and gratitude for having him in my life. I will be going into silence for a couple of days to be with all of this more deeply.
Kule and I had a healing rest together yesterday, and bonding family time with my sister Mariana and brother Al who are expressing appreciation for Kule and welcoming him beautifully into our family. As I was going to bed, I got that Jason wouldn't be waking me at 3 AM, that he had given me the messages he wanted me to hear before the ceremony. He told me he would be reincarnating very soon (perhaps as Erin's twin, as others have tuned into, including Erin's mom KT)
I had a hard time sleeping and Kule held me while I released energy from my body with movement, sound, and breath. This created a fire in my womb and it felt like it was burning it all up, just like the cremation - releasing karma and releasing my physical attachment to Jason. I'm guessing my grieving will be a long journey, but I am in awe at how supported I am.
Signs
Since we released Jason yesterday, he has been giving me unexpected (and sometimes freaky) signs that he is with me - here are a few examples:
- I read my mom's translations of Jason's Spanish subtitles for the photographic journey of his life that was displayed at the ceremony. My mom had forgotten to translate one sentence "Me encantaba mucha a mi madre porque me nacio." Which I think means "I loved my mother very much because she gave birth to me.", but according to my mom "me nacio" is made up.
- Looking all over for a special photo of him in a tree when he was young, I was in a grief-stricken state and I found a photo Jason took 2 years ago that I haven’t seen in almost that long. I'm sitting meditating in the field down the street, and 95% of the photo is sky. I meditated on it and had a deep rest with Kule.
- My sister found a framed photo in his studio that was in a pile (buried for a couple of years no doubt) and it was a picture of me walking down Crane's beach. The weird thing is, why would he have framed that because we already had that framed in the house. He knew I would see it when I needed to.
- My sister also found the photo of Jason in the tree that I was looking for (it was in my office bookshelf in plain view). The frame has dragonflies on it. I wasn't supposed to find it until after Jason was released and is flying with the dragonflies. Jason and I always loved dragonflies together; they represent power and freedom in a way that Jason exuded.
I can't thank everyone enough for all of your/their love and support, and I will write more later about that.
Waterfalls of love,
Michelle
P.S. We have received many written messages from people who knew Jason and were inspired/transformed by him and those who didn't know him and were moved by the ceremony and/or pictures of him, his photography, and his story. There is great healing happening around this, so many stories to share later.
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