Jason always asked “why”. Why are things the way they are and why do people believe things have to be a certain way? He was a true individual. We were reading an autobiography he did for an 8th grade project discussing his school trip to upstate New York (I’ll put that in the book – true to his character and, of course, funny.) He loved the chasm they visited, marveling at the stalactites and stalagmites, and took a photo of some very steep long stairs up the cliffside, noting that this would be a good CD cover for Stairway to Heaven. He described his visit to Six Flags as the trip from hell; he detested amusement parks, with all the depressed people that worked there and the noise and crowds (he used to fuss whenever I took him to places like that as a kid). Who says kids have to like amusement parks?
Chuck, Kule, Bobbie, and I were doing long kriya (Art of Living practice) this morning and Chuck was guided to read a passage from A Course in Miracles – he opened to the page about Pain. The passage was perfect – about how we think our illusions are reality, and our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. Who is to say that people are not supposed to die “young”? Who is to say that Jason didn’t live a full life at 17? What is time anyway, does it really exist? Who makes up the rules, anyway?
There are no rules. There is only the mind and what it chooses to believe.
I choose to believe that Jason completed a wonderful life that he chose, it was more than “enough” (we never think we are enough or did enough), surrounded by love, and gave so much during that time. I also choose to believe he is continuing to be there for us in amazing ways, continuing to be our teacher if we so choose. I for one am learning how I have limited myself and am seeing the world differently. I am missing him so much, and at the same time I know everything is fine, I just can’t get in my head about it. I stay with my heart and I feel peace. And don’t worry, I am feeling everything beautifully, and the grief is melting away with time.
When I open to my heart, I feel Jason’s presence strongly. He chose to give me this message during the day (so I can sleep at night, hopefully!). I was swimming off the dock across from Chuck’s house in Gloucester, a beautiful cleansing swim, helping me wash away the grief that came up walking into his second home for the first time since Jason left his body, and seeing his things there. I was feeling Jason there, a place he took many beautiful photos. I got a message to swim around a little boat bobbing around in the water (with the kind of energy Jason had as a kid). It was attached to a buoy, and it had a number on it, a message for me:
“620”
6 = Love
2 = Jason and me
0 = Infinity
Reminded once again.
Charlene came over and told me dragonflies stand for Illusion. Jason and I loved dragonflies and I see them so often now. Perfect.
Love
Michelle
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