When Jason left his body it created a powerful energy wave, a tsunami. In its wake there has been chaos, cleansing, renewal, and miracles.
A tsunami has destructive energy that reminds me of the goddess Kali. She destroys that which no longer serves us – the ego, old patterns, fears, and limitations to our evolution. She holds us in divine love through the chaos, giving us courage to ride the storm.
I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.
Grief is so complex. It’s not just about missing someone. There is so much that surfaces; it’s an opportunity to see more clearly what is waiting to get healed – the beliefs and fears and limitations to what we want to create in life. The loss is felt on the physical plane, and yet so much was stirred up from the depths of the sea, treasures we might not have found otherwise. We realize we gained in some ways more than we lost. We discover more about ourselves and feel the resurfacing of our own beauty and power. When we love someone so much, that love is returned to us in their death. Even strangers who heard about Jason’s story were moved to feeling some significant personal growth, some healing within themselves. We are all connected.
Grief takes attention, which requires time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve and for how long. It’s such a personal experience, and no one can really understand it but you. I do find support in sharing with other parents who’ve lost their children, especially those who are spiritually focused. It is a unique type of loss, and those who have not lost children can’t truly understand, although they may have tremendous compassion. Surround yourself with those who care, even if they don’t understand, and support you to grieve the way you need to. It’s so important to have this retreat time to reflect and process. There is an opportunity to go very deep into yourself to find treasures. It’s not about “moving on”, it’s about “moving in” and really discovering who you are.
I have no problem saying that I will be grieving Jason forever. I feel the pain of it less and less over time, and seeing what I have gained more and more. I feel daily twinges of pain for the physical loss and the loss of missed opportunities on this physical plain, and that is normal for us physical-plane-centered humans. I also feel a great opening to other worlds of connecting with Jason and other guides and spirits, realizing that this physical world is just the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve written about what I have been learning about grief in several other writings about my grieving journey. I’ve watched guilt and regrets come up and I am blessed to have the awareness and tools to release them; I’m on the lookout for those trying to hide. I’ve witness myself in so many beliefs that I was able to ask “Do I really want to believe this?” and then shift to choosing what I want, to create the reality I want. I see so many people stuck in beliefs that bring them down into a depression that is so hard to come out of, because it is anchored by such strong beliefs that they aren’t even aware of. I don’t believe that children shouldn’t die before their parents. I don’t believe I will be devastated by Jason’s death. If I did believe those things, then my experience would be very different, and not what I really want to create in my life.
In the wake of the tsunami, miracles happen. Long-term depression, anxiety, and stuckness of loved ones have cleared; life is too short to sweat the small stuff. People are inspired to live their lives fully; Jason’s senior year class printed T-shirts with “Follow Your Passion – JF” on the back in memory of Jason’s impact on so many. I am personally seeing limitations I was in denial of, and am seeing a clearer path past them to creating what I want in my life. I am a different person, feeling Jason’s influence in me so solidly. I feel Jason cheering me on, telling me to not to worry and go for it, with a Jason-sound and a Jason-hug to go with the energy!
I’m riding the waves and letting them carry me.
Quoting Jason– “It’s definitely more fun than drowning!”
P.S. I just remembered after writing this that I used to have recurring dreams about watching a tidal wave come at me on the beach, with nowhere to go for safety. I have been so intrigued with the tsunami in Thailand, reading personal accounts of the survivors. Interesting…
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Messages from Sound, 11/9/09
Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, since he was a baby. Did he choose me as a parent because his soul knew I am also connected with sound, and would co-found a sound healing organization (www.soundhealingnetwork.org, originally New England Sound Healing Research Institute, NESHRI)? Or did he influence my path? I’m guessing both.
I am reflecting upon and exploring my connection with Jason through sound and music. I am confident we can communicate through this connection in his new form.
When I was pregnant with Jason I discovered improvisation. My mind had always been steadfast in believing I couldn’t play my viola without reading music. During my pregnancy I was singing with some kirtan musicians who encouraged me to play along on my instrument. In a meditative state I played around with sounds from my viola until I could tune in and trust where my fingers would go to play the right notes. The feedback from my new fans propelled me into my career as gifted improviser. Within a few years I could do this without needing to be in meditation; I could set my controlling mind aside and follow the guidance of music spirits. I wasn’t playing my instrument – Spirit was and continues to play it for me, as I step out of the way! Jason grew up with this influence, but I’m guessing his presence got it all going in the first place!
Jason always responded to sound and music. I think all babies do, but Jason always added a unique flair to every experience, giving and receiving. We communicated with sounds. He let me know he was OK with his sounds. In fact, if he wasn’t playing with his voice or other sounds as a toddler, I wondered if something was up and I would go check on him. He was always listening to the subtlety of sound. He trained to be a gifted percussionist and composer his entire life, just by listening and being with the vibrations. It was more than being brought up with parents who played music. He was a sound researcher, and he received messages through sound.
Jason loved to sing. As a young child he memorized beautiful long complicated Sanskrit chants. He preferred memorizing all the long latin names of plants, as opposed to the common names, in books on plants that he wanted me to read to him before he could read. He also learned quickly, with his wonderful sense of humor, how to lighten up any situation with ridiculous sounds. He also knew how to “torture” me with sound, such as when he and Julie or Katie or Calandra would repeat songs incessantly because they knew they were driving me crazy, a fun game we would play
Jason loved being sung to. When he was stuck doing homework, I would play with my voice and accents to get him out of his stuckness and enjoy the moment. When he was older and got stuck in his communication with me, I would play with my voice to get his attention and be light about our communication. We would play a lot with sound together. Our silliness always involved ridiculous sounds.
Jason loved listening to all kinds of music. He was always doing his research. We enjoyed listening to CDs together in the car, being present with each other in our common interest of listening to sound and tuning into the spirit of the sound, getting ideas for our own improvisations or compositions, and often sharing them. Jason introduced me to many new genres of music that I wouldn’t have found on my own, and I am grateful. I have been listening to his CD mixes in the car as he rides next to me, feeling the music vibrations and his smile.
When Ben, my former partner and a gifted musician and sound healer, and our healing music ensemble Bluegate (with Christine and Kem) played music, Jason listened and was one of our biggest fans. He enjoyed joining me and my soundhealing friends with drums in our sound healing circles, resurfacing from his music studio as a teenager to join us in sound, even if he wasn’t up for conversation. In his early teens, Jason was drawn to hanging with Ben at our home in Beverly and then in New York City (Ben moved there when we moved to Ipswich) with Ben’s son and one of Jason’s closest friends Noah, jamming with the wild musicians, and playing with many different instruments. Although Jason’s main instrument was the drum set (that he quickly learned, being a natural in coordinating all 4 limbs to play complex rhythms), he played around with the keyboard, guitars, and many wild-sounding instruments such as the waterphone that played whale sounds. When we found the waterphone in a hole-in-the-wall music store in Greenwich Village in New York City, Jason grabbed it and insisted on helping to pay for it because he just had to have that sound.
Jason was influenced by Ben to sample sounds from different instruments or household noisemakers, gargling voices, drums, Tibetan bowls, natural thunder, and even the sound of a toilet flushing or a garage door opening (the song Grand Opening). He would slow these sounds down, change the pitch, and do other creative and technical things to these sounds, transforming them into soundscapes that transport us to magical places. He managed to get a sound out of a Thai stringed instrument called the Saw-U (that I never figured out how to play well) and transform it into etheric sounds from magical creatures – in Enocenip of his first CD, Drinnel. Jason was a natural sound healer and composer; he tuned in to the sound and the spirit of the sound, and shared the products of his connection with the magical world of sound with us. He could have composed for movie soundtracks; perhaps his music will make it there someday!
On the lighter side, Jason and his friends Gus, Dustin, Andy, and a few other guests created the DiabeticBunnyDucks CDs - Your Face Is Huge, Grow A Lung, and Leap of Filth; 2005-2008 collections of intentionally bad (and sometimes actually quite creative) music with silly sounds and lyrics that get anyone laughing. (I’m working on The Best of DB, sounds that the older generations can listen to without having to turn the volume down!).
I recently set up my portable recording studio next to Jason’s desk in his studio downstairs, now a memorial to his photography, music, and his life. With a little technical support, I will be recording my music side by side with Jason and his inspiration. Jason – I plan to put those tracks on a few of the pieces we talked about; I hope you like it!
Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, and I will continue to communicate with him with creative sound!
I am reflecting upon and exploring my connection with Jason through sound and music. I am confident we can communicate through this connection in his new form.
When I was pregnant with Jason I discovered improvisation. My mind had always been steadfast in believing I couldn’t play my viola without reading music. During my pregnancy I was singing with some kirtan musicians who encouraged me to play along on my instrument. In a meditative state I played around with sounds from my viola until I could tune in and trust where my fingers would go to play the right notes. The feedback from my new fans propelled me into my career as gifted improviser. Within a few years I could do this without needing to be in meditation; I could set my controlling mind aside and follow the guidance of music spirits. I wasn’t playing my instrument – Spirit was and continues to play it for me, as I step out of the way! Jason grew up with this influence, but I’m guessing his presence got it all going in the first place!
Jason always responded to sound and music. I think all babies do, but Jason always added a unique flair to every experience, giving and receiving. We communicated with sounds. He let me know he was OK with his sounds. In fact, if he wasn’t playing with his voice or other sounds as a toddler, I wondered if something was up and I would go check on him. He was always listening to the subtlety of sound. He trained to be a gifted percussionist and composer his entire life, just by listening and being with the vibrations. It was more than being brought up with parents who played music. He was a sound researcher, and he received messages through sound.
Jason loved to sing. As a young child he memorized beautiful long complicated Sanskrit chants. He preferred memorizing all the long latin names of plants, as opposed to the common names, in books on plants that he wanted me to read to him before he could read. He also learned quickly, with his wonderful sense of humor, how to lighten up any situation with ridiculous sounds. He also knew how to “torture” me with sound, such as when he and Julie or Katie or Calandra would repeat songs incessantly because they knew they were driving me crazy, a fun game we would play
Jason loved being sung to. When he was stuck doing homework, I would play with my voice and accents to get him out of his stuckness and enjoy the moment. When he was older and got stuck in his communication with me, I would play with my voice to get his attention and be light about our communication. We would play a lot with sound together. Our silliness always involved ridiculous sounds.
Jason loved listening to all kinds of music. He was always doing his research. We enjoyed listening to CDs together in the car, being present with each other in our common interest of listening to sound and tuning into the spirit of the sound, getting ideas for our own improvisations or compositions, and often sharing them. Jason introduced me to many new genres of music that I wouldn’t have found on my own, and I am grateful. I have been listening to his CD mixes in the car as he rides next to me, feeling the music vibrations and his smile.
When Ben, my former partner and a gifted musician and sound healer, and our healing music ensemble Bluegate (with Christine and Kem) played music, Jason listened and was one of our biggest fans. He enjoyed joining me and my soundhealing friends with drums in our sound healing circles, resurfacing from his music studio as a teenager to join us in sound, even if he wasn’t up for conversation. In his early teens, Jason was drawn to hanging with Ben at our home in Beverly and then in New York City (Ben moved there when we moved to Ipswich) with Ben’s son and one of Jason’s closest friends Noah, jamming with the wild musicians, and playing with many different instruments. Although Jason’s main instrument was the drum set (that he quickly learned, being a natural in coordinating all 4 limbs to play complex rhythms), he played around with the keyboard, guitars, and many wild-sounding instruments such as the waterphone that played whale sounds. When we found the waterphone in a hole-in-the-wall music store in Greenwich Village in New York City, Jason grabbed it and insisted on helping to pay for it because he just had to have that sound.
Jason was influenced by Ben to sample sounds from different instruments or household noisemakers, gargling voices, drums, Tibetan bowls, natural thunder, and even the sound of a toilet flushing or a garage door opening (the song Grand Opening). He would slow these sounds down, change the pitch, and do other creative and technical things to these sounds, transforming them into soundscapes that transport us to magical places. He managed to get a sound out of a Thai stringed instrument called the Saw-U (that I never figured out how to play well) and transform it into etheric sounds from magical creatures – in Enocenip of his first CD, Drinnel. Jason was a natural sound healer and composer; he tuned in to the sound and the spirit of the sound, and shared the products of his connection with the magical world of sound with us. He could have composed for movie soundtracks; perhaps his music will make it there someday!
On the lighter side, Jason and his friends Gus, Dustin, Andy, and a few other guests created the DiabeticBunnyDucks CDs - Your Face Is Huge, Grow A Lung, and Leap of Filth; 2005-2008 collections of intentionally bad (and sometimes actually quite creative) music with silly sounds and lyrics that get anyone laughing. (I’m working on The Best of DB, sounds that the older generations can listen to without having to turn the volume down!).
I recently set up my portable recording studio next to Jason’s desk in his studio downstairs, now a memorial to his photography, music, and his life. With a little technical support, I will be recording my music side by side with Jason and his inspiration. Jason – I plan to put those tracks on a few of the pieces we talked about; I hope you like it!
Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, and I will continue to communicate with him with creative sound!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Balance, 11/6/09
I was feeling overwhelmed and out of balance. The universe was there to assist me, and I sprained my ankle.
Time to slow down, put my feet up (literally), and really learn to trust in the balance. I literally lost my balance when my ankle gave out going down my front step 2 days ago. It’s a freaking living metaphor! The day before, I had worked on an affirmation to manifest this balance of work (that gotta start making money feeling of pressure) and grieving and taking care of myself, and my wish came true.
My first reaction after hearing the snap of my ankle and feeling my body slam on the concrete, was the expected one – oh shit, why did this have to happen on top of everything else I’ve had to go through lately? I told those voices in my head to go away; I wasn’t buying into this being difficult. There had to be a reason this happened, and I figured it out pretty quickly, once I dragged myself into the house and managed to get ice on my ankle, waiting for a neighbor to bring me ibuprofen.
Another emotional roller coaster. I had to hush up some other voices that were complaining I had to ask for help again, hating to burden Kule and others. Last night I was tired and a bit down, but this morning I woke up cheerful, grateful that I was never in any significant pain, the swelling is down, and I can put weight on it with the help of Dianna’s crutches. I am mobile again, yay!
The next thing I knew I was being pulled into a meeting with Jason on the other side, where he did some pretty cool healing on my ankle, and then I realized that he was doing it all along. I felt him with me the moment I fell, feeling comfort at the time that I wasn’t truly alone. He gave me strength and hope. I got to hang with him again during a session with medium Nancy Smeltzer this morning; I felt the balance move in along with the rapid healing of my ankle.
The reminder that Jason is always there for me was enough. I’m not expecting any more sprained ankles for a while - I get the message!
The funny thing is – I’ve been more relaxed and productive with my client work since I sprained my ankle than I have in the 3 months since Jason passed. Interesting, huh?
Time to slow down, put my feet up (literally), and really learn to trust in the balance. I literally lost my balance when my ankle gave out going down my front step 2 days ago. It’s a freaking living metaphor! The day before, I had worked on an affirmation to manifest this balance of work (that gotta start making money feeling of pressure) and grieving and taking care of myself, and my wish came true.
My first reaction after hearing the snap of my ankle and feeling my body slam on the concrete, was the expected one – oh shit, why did this have to happen on top of everything else I’ve had to go through lately? I told those voices in my head to go away; I wasn’t buying into this being difficult. There had to be a reason this happened, and I figured it out pretty quickly, once I dragged myself into the house and managed to get ice on my ankle, waiting for a neighbor to bring me ibuprofen.
Another emotional roller coaster. I had to hush up some other voices that were complaining I had to ask for help again, hating to burden Kule and others. Last night I was tired and a bit down, but this morning I woke up cheerful, grateful that I was never in any significant pain, the swelling is down, and I can put weight on it with the help of Dianna’s crutches. I am mobile again, yay!
The next thing I knew I was being pulled into a meeting with Jason on the other side, where he did some pretty cool healing on my ankle, and then I realized that he was doing it all along. I felt him with me the moment I fell, feeling comfort at the time that I wasn’t truly alone. He gave me strength and hope. I got to hang with him again during a session with medium Nancy Smeltzer this morning; I felt the balance move in along with the rapid healing of my ankle.
The reminder that Jason is always there for me was enough. I’m not expecting any more sprained ankles for a while - I get the message!
The funny thing is – I’ve been more relaxed and productive with my client work since I sprained my ankle than I have in the 3 months since Jason passed. Interesting, huh?
The Healer, 11/4/09
Jason means healer in Greek – or at least that what the baby name book said (a couple of Greek people challenged that definition, but I stick with it.) I loved the name Jason when I chose it, and I loved it even more when I found out what it meant.
Jason didn’t relate to being a healer; his parents were healers, so why would he choose that word to describe himself?! He definitely believed in the healing he received by his parents and many others in his life, but he didn’t identify with that label for himself. He was also humble about everything. I’ve been a bit too humble about telling people how awesome my son is, and so now’s my chance.
Jason touched many lives in such a short time. He was a secretive healer. I will never know how many lives he’s healed (will we ever know how many lives any of us heal in our lifetime?), but I’ve had the opportunity to witness hundreds of messages (see some quoted below) in Facebook and DeviantArt from grateful friends – so many people who didn’t know Jason in person, and received so much from him over the internet. His spirit was always so powerful, he didn’t need a physical presence to exude that. Many people have told me how they met Jason just once and were very impressed with his light, his peaceful energy, and his presence. His compassion is enormous, and he needed to share it with as many people as he possibly could.
Staying up late on the computer doing Facebook and instant messaging created conflicts for me as a parent wanting my teen to get enough rest. When I threatened to take the PC away after a certain hour, Jason looked at me with his “yes, Mom I absolutely know what is good for me” look and told me how much it helped him. I knew that he received a lot of support from his friends, and when he was ill (most of his last year) he needed that more than ever. We negotiated time on the computer, but like most teens he didn’t get enough rest. I’m so glad now I didn’t take most of that time away from him. I know now that there were many people that were receiving so much from Jason.
He wrote in his journal about how good it felt to help other people, even if they didn’t seem to express any gratitude. He wrote that it was “selfish” to want to help people because of how good it felt, so it was OK that others didn’t acknowledge it. Jason understood unconditional love.
I found out during the ceremony (with so many young people waiting in the 1 hr receiving line) four days after his death more about Jason’s healership – how we helped friends move past suicidal thoughts, a friend who was raped and at first trusted no one but Jason, friends who would have dropped out of school if it hadn’t been for Jason. He spent lunches tutoring friends in math to help them finish high school. He truly healed and empowered so many at such a young age.
Jason was empathic, and I believe that was hard for him but he learned how to be with it. He knew he was psychic and he received support in regular sessions with Gail Byrnes to strengthen his boundaries. He wrote:
The sad and the hungry
The shit on TV
I feel it
The mad and the hopeless
A lamb in its cage
All here now
I feel it
I found the pass key
The sound of the rain.
The burn from the sun.
Jason is doing a lot of healing on the other side. That gives me comfort in my grief and pride as a mother.
I’ve been told by The Lighted Ones in a channeling session that Jason is not alone; he is healing with many others. He is also a pioneer (see the message Planting Seeds). He was in life, and will always be!
"I have learned that sometimes it's not about how long one lives for it's about how 'well' one lives. People can go on breathing forever and still not be able to touch a single life, but Jason touched a million people at such a tender age-and someone said that 'age' should be counted through the number of people you touch. If that really is the case, then I can say without any hesitation-Jason lived for infinite years, and that is a miracle. Just remember that.:)" - an internet friend
“Jason, you created so much beauty and passion in such a short time. You inspire me with your dedication and love.” – a close friend
“Deep down inside I know that Jason has helped me to learn and grow. He taught me to laugh instead of cry.” – a close friend
“Jason was one of the kindest souls. Thank you for doing such a loving job being his guides in this world.” –science teacher.
“I will always remember Jason’s gentle spirit and his ability at 13 to transcend the boundaries of Middle School social strata. He was always so kind, so full of life and light.” – 8th grade math teacher
“Jason may have only lived to be 17, but in that time he has helped so many people and done so many great things. I’m going to live my life twice as hard because his was cut short. Your son is the most amazing person I think I will ever meet and you should be so proud.” – close friend
Jason didn’t relate to being a healer; his parents were healers, so why would he choose that word to describe himself?! He definitely believed in the healing he received by his parents and many others in his life, but he didn’t identify with that label for himself. He was also humble about everything. I’ve been a bit too humble about telling people how awesome my son is, and so now’s my chance.
Jason touched many lives in such a short time. He was a secretive healer. I will never know how many lives he’s healed (will we ever know how many lives any of us heal in our lifetime?), but I’ve had the opportunity to witness hundreds of messages (see some quoted below) in Facebook and DeviantArt from grateful friends – so many people who didn’t know Jason in person, and received so much from him over the internet. His spirit was always so powerful, he didn’t need a physical presence to exude that. Many people have told me how they met Jason just once and were very impressed with his light, his peaceful energy, and his presence. His compassion is enormous, and he needed to share it with as many people as he possibly could.
Staying up late on the computer doing Facebook and instant messaging created conflicts for me as a parent wanting my teen to get enough rest. When I threatened to take the PC away after a certain hour, Jason looked at me with his “yes, Mom I absolutely know what is good for me” look and told me how much it helped him. I knew that he received a lot of support from his friends, and when he was ill (most of his last year) he needed that more than ever. We negotiated time on the computer, but like most teens he didn’t get enough rest. I’m so glad now I didn’t take most of that time away from him. I know now that there were many people that were receiving so much from Jason.
He wrote in his journal about how good it felt to help other people, even if they didn’t seem to express any gratitude. He wrote that it was “selfish” to want to help people because of how good it felt, so it was OK that others didn’t acknowledge it. Jason understood unconditional love.
I found out during the ceremony (with so many young people waiting in the 1 hr receiving line) four days after his death more about Jason’s healership – how we helped friends move past suicidal thoughts, a friend who was raped and at first trusted no one but Jason, friends who would have dropped out of school if it hadn’t been for Jason. He spent lunches tutoring friends in math to help them finish high school. He truly healed and empowered so many at such a young age.
Jason was empathic, and I believe that was hard for him but he learned how to be with it. He knew he was psychic and he received support in regular sessions with Gail Byrnes to strengthen his boundaries. He wrote:
The sad and the hungry
The shit on TV
I feel it
The mad and the hopeless
A lamb in its cage
All here now
I feel it
I found the pass key
The sound of the rain.
The burn from the sun.
Jason is doing a lot of healing on the other side. That gives me comfort in my grief and pride as a mother.
I’ve been told by The Lighted Ones in a channeling session that Jason is not alone; he is healing with many others. He is also a pioneer (see the message Planting Seeds). He was in life, and will always be!
"I have learned that sometimes it's not about how long one lives for it's about how 'well' one lives. People can go on breathing forever and still not be able to touch a single life, but Jason touched a million people at such a tender age-and someone said that 'age' should be counted through the number of people you touch. If that really is the case, then I can say without any hesitation-Jason lived for infinite years, and that is a miracle. Just remember that.:)" - an internet friend
“Jason, you created so much beauty and passion in such a short time. You inspire me with your dedication and love.” – a close friend
“Deep down inside I know that Jason has helped me to learn and grow. He taught me to laugh instead of cry.” – a close friend
“Jason was one of the kindest souls. Thank you for doing such a loving job being his guides in this world.” –science teacher.
“I will always remember Jason’s gentle spirit and his ability at 13 to transcend the boundaries of Middle School social strata. He was always so kind, so full of life and light.” – 8th grade math teacher
“Jason may have only lived to be 17, but in that time he has helped so many people and done so many great things. I’m going to live my life twice as hard because his was cut short. Your son is the most amazing person I think I will ever meet and you should be so proud.” – close friend
Wave Crash, 11/3/09
Grief is as powerful and unpredictable as the ocean, and I find myself riding the waves and sometimes getting pulled under.
Last night I attended a bereaved parents group (The Compassionate Friends) after a mixed day. It started out rough, crying uncontrollably about something I didn’t think was going to “get” me. I used to have a family. After Chuck and I got divorced I grieved the loss of the family unit; we had had a late miscarriage when Jason was 4, so our family wasn’t meant to be large. Then for a few years I didn’t think about it much, because Jason and I created such wonderful extended family with Kule and friends and my mother and siblings and Chuck, who will always be family. Jason was the heart of my genetic family, and yesterday it felt like I was grieving double, for the loss of him and the loss of our family.
I broke down crying when it was my turn to introduce myself in the bereaved parents group - I lost my only child.
I didn’t see that wave coming. I had been content with having one child, and when Jason passed I felt I would always be a mother of an adult child, now in spirit form. All my life I never felt attached to raising a big family, with grandchildren and all; Jason told me he didn’t want kids so that gave me more fertilizer to grow that non-attachment. When Chuck and I got married we didn’t know we wanted kids; we decided to “let it happen” if it was meant to be. Jason chose us as parents because we weren’t attached; his soul knew he wouldn’t be here long. We were also told by several psychics that Jason wanted to be an only child in this lifetime because in his previous life he was in a large family and didn’t get much attention.
I’m an awesome mom; Jason chose well, because I knew how to nourish his spirit in life. He was very stubborn in getting what he wanted, and I understand that concept (sometimes to a fault!) I empowered him to be fully who he wanted to be, and I am grateful that he is grateful. We hung out on the healing table with Patrick yesterday, reminiscing about his childhood and how much we played together, feeding my inner child. He reminded me he is always with me, and I shared that at last night’s support group. Today I feel fulfilled in having been his mother and continuing our spirit relationship. I miss him, but not always painfully.
So I’m not crying anymore; that particular wave subsided and perhaps will not return. I pray and trust I can ride the next wave when it comes.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. The best part of my evening last night was a dinner meeting, before the support group, with Kule and our new friend Dave, who we met at last month’s Compassionate Friends meeting. We talked about how we still connect with our departed children and how spirited they were in life as well as after life. We shared our Buddhist beliefs and how helpful this has been, experiencing the gifts. I left dinner and arrived at the support meeting feeling uplifted and grateful. This is the type of support group that I am wanting, and know I am attracting to support my process. I will continue going to The Compassionate Friends to be with others who understand that losing a child is so different than any other loss, and it helps to know we are not alone even if we are all very different; we support each other. I am grateful for the service the organization provides, free to all.
Last night I attended a bereaved parents group (The Compassionate Friends) after a mixed day. It started out rough, crying uncontrollably about something I didn’t think was going to “get” me. I used to have a family. After Chuck and I got divorced I grieved the loss of the family unit; we had had a late miscarriage when Jason was 4, so our family wasn’t meant to be large. Then for a few years I didn’t think about it much, because Jason and I created such wonderful extended family with Kule and friends and my mother and siblings and Chuck, who will always be family. Jason was the heart of my genetic family, and yesterday it felt like I was grieving double, for the loss of him and the loss of our family.
I broke down crying when it was my turn to introduce myself in the bereaved parents group - I lost my only child.
I didn’t see that wave coming. I had been content with having one child, and when Jason passed I felt I would always be a mother of an adult child, now in spirit form. All my life I never felt attached to raising a big family, with grandchildren and all; Jason told me he didn’t want kids so that gave me more fertilizer to grow that non-attachment. When Chuck and I got married we didn’t know we wanted kids; we decided to “let it happen” if it was meant to be. Jason chose us as parents because we weren’t attached; his soul knew he wouldn’t be here long. We were also told by several psychics that Jason wanted to be an only child in this lifetime because in his previous life he was in a large family and didn’t get much attention.
I’m an awesome mom; Jason chose well, because I knew how to nourish his spirit in life. He was very stubborn in getting what he wanted, and I understand that concept (sometimes to a fault!) I empowered him to be fully who he wanted to be, and I am grateful that he is grateful. We hung out on the healing table with Patrick yesterday, reminiscing about his childhood and how much we played together, feeding my inner child. He reminded me he is always with me, and I shared that at last night’s support group. Today I feel fulfilled in having been his mother and continuing our spirit relationship. I miss him, but not always painfully.
So I’m not crying anymore; that particular wave subsided and perhaps will not return. I pray and trust I can ride the next wave when it comes.
Love,
Michelle
P.S. The best part of my evening last night was a dinner meeting, before the support group, with Kule and our new friend Dave, who we met at last month’s Compassionate Friends meeting. We talked about how we still connect with our departed children and how spirited they were in life as well as after life. We shared our Buddhist beliefs and how helpful this has been, experiencing the gifts. I left dinner and arrived at the support meeting feeling uplifted and grateful. This is the type of support group that I am wanting, and know I am attracting to support my process. I will continue going to The Compassionate Friends to be with others who understand that losing a child is so different than any other loss, and it helps to know we are not alone even if we are all very different; we support each other. I am grateful for the service the organization provides, free to all.
Connections, 10/30/09
I am grateful for my connections with Jason and how much I am learning about how we connect.
Jason I love watching movies together, good ones and bad ones (the latter gave us some good laughs). We stayed up late two nights ago watching a movie, hanging together like old times. We made good use of the Comcast Digital On-Demand we got when we moved to Ipswich. Since Jason passed, Kule and I haven’t been using it and we discovered we could save $25 a month without it. Yesterday morning I woke up crying and couldn’t stop; I was missing Jason, thinking about how nice it was to watch the movie with him the night before. Twenty minutes before the Comcast technician was scheduled to arrive I called and cancelled the service change. I stopped crying. I suddenly realized I wasn’t ready to let go of that connection with Jason. I’m going to watch more movies with Jason and make use of that service! Jason reminded me of how much I like to watch movies, with or without him!
I’ve been thinking about how I connect with Jason and how I connected with him when he was alive. In many ways there are no differences. I can’t hear his words but I can sense them. I can’t hear his laugh but I can feel his silliness and joy. I can’t experience his physical strength, but I can feel his hugs energetically. The emotional feelings are the same although the physical sensations are not there. I know what it feels like to be with Jason, and I can get into that feeling whenever I choose to, if I believe I can. I had practiced that when we would be apart for days and then weeks as he got older.
It got me thinking how we limit our connections in life when we put so much emphasis on the physical. How much connection are we missing with others because of this belief? I’m blessed to have experienced ongoing closeness to many friends who live far away, and how Kule and I stayed connected on his 4-month trip around the world last spring. It’s as if we are never physically apart. I realized that I am now doing this with Jason, and that’s why I can get in the preferred space of knowing I haven’t lost him at all. I’m actually benefitting from a new relationship with him where he isn’t limited by his body, mind, and teenage hormones. I sense him as the wise soul he has always been, and now with adult energy. It’s awesome, and yet it does remind me that he isn’t here physically and I feel the sadness again. I’m finding that this cycle is an iterative process, and the more I go back and forth and feel the gratitude for the gifts I receive from Jason, my pain of not having him here physically gets less and less.
Jason and I always connected well non-verbally. We hugged less frequently as he got older, so I wasn’t as dependent on the physical touch (although he loved my massages, and I certainly enjoyed his shoulder rubs and sitting squished on the couch together!). We had some great conversations throughout his life, but at a length that was much shorter than my expectations, and I got used to that. We enjoyed hanging together as we travelled. In the car he made music mixes on CDs of music he knew I would enjoy, with the understanding my mood might not be up to hard rock or his unique alien-artists, as I called them. I have been listening to these CDs and feeling him in the car with me, enjoying the vibrations together. I’ve been enjoying the alien-artist music in a new way!
I had a wonderful Watsu (aqua therapy) session with Bobbie this week, and I enjoyed the underwater cosmic experiences, soaring like a dolphin. Jason was there, playing and soaring with me. It was so wonderful. At one point I realized I was so relaxed and surrendered that my body didn’t exist. Wow – that’s how Jason is, and I’m on his plane now! It was an awesome way to connect, and the experience reminded me that I can connect with Jason’s spirit in many ways. In fact, us earth beings expect others to connect with us on our earth plane, but we can connect with them on their plane as well.
The night before my Watsu session I had an experience of seeing down a deep tunnel and feeling Jason at the end. It was a message that he is there and I have ways of connecting with him that I might not have been open to before. I can use that image of the tunnel, and I can imagine I’m underwater in the cosmos swimming with Jason.
I was reminded of Oneness in a vortex session Liz offered me last night. I was wanting to be able to connect with Jason more often like this. During the session I felt the shift in my mind to understanding that we aren’t separate, that we are one. As an extension of this, I also was able to see that I don’t need to connect with Jason in any way to feel complete in myself. I do, however, enjoy our connections very much and know I can through memories, if not through ways that feel almost physical in nature.
In many of the Messages I had shared ways that Jason has communicated with me – the automatic writing, “giving” me things I needed just at that moment, feeling his shoulder rub, doing things that lightened up the intense sadness. I was cleaning his desk a few days after he passed, to capture his notes (and poetry, we discovered) folded up randomly on his desktop (his desk was overdue for a cleaning!). Maybe there was an explanation, like bumping the mouse, but I was a bit freaked out by what happened. Fanfare music was playing from his speakers that lasted a few seconds. However, it was like off-wavelength poor-quality radio sound (not the quality of his speakers) and certainly not the kind of music he would have had on itunes, and there was no webpage open. I said “OK, Jason, that freaked me out, but I’m ready to communicate with you this way. Keep going. That was very creative, dude.” The next moment I hear, in the same poor-quality sound, “Thank you”. From my reaction, I think Jason was pleased he got through but he didn’t do it again, he knew it was too edgy for me and I needed more subtle forms of communication.
I was going to say I’ve never seen Jason’s spirit, but I actually have. In the dark I would see subtle shadow forms moving. I wasn’t afraid, so I thought it was Jason. I experimented moving my eyelashes to make sure that the shadows weren’t from them, and I confirmed they weren’t. Since the first experience with this, I realized the forms could be other “spirits”, or energy from other beings, but connecting with Jason’s spirit has opened me up to connect with the other side more clearly. I use the same protection as I would when I don’t see them, so I feel safe and enjoy the connections.
Chuck was over one night about a month after Jason passed, and he had taken a copy of the death certificate back with him. It was a bit emotional, but he needed a copy for his records. After he left I went downstairs and something happened to catch my eye through the small side windowpane of our front doorway. It was something white. I went out to investigate, and found the death certificate on the street. I called Chuck and he drove right back to get it. We both laughed. We knew this was Jason’s sense of humor. He knew how to lighten us up.
Jason has let me know in many ways how much I mean to him. When I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to clean out his bedroom and move his things to his studio downstairs, which is now a memorial gallery to Jason and his works and a continuing recording studio, I felt him smile. He wanted me to move on, and not look at his empty room with sadness. I also wanted Kule to have his own room, something I couldn’t offer him before. Chuck helped me move all of Jason’s things but his bed. The next weekend, Kule and I disassembled his bed to move to the studio as a futon couch. When we moved the mattress, a green peridot earring fell on the floor. I cried with delight; it was one of my favorite heart-chakra earrings I thought I had lost raking the yard last fall. Maybe after a day of raking I leaned over to give Jason a massage, a common night ritual, and the earring fell onto the bed. But how did it survive months of bed-making? It’s too weird, and yet it’s Jason’s unique way of letting me know how much he loves me; he loved weird experiences. He was grateful that we cleaned out his room and that I was doing what I needed to be in my flow of joy in life.
During a ride back from R.I. a few weeks after Jason passed, I was feeling very sad and couldn’t stop crying. I looked up and saw an amazing cloud formation, the kind of photo opportunity Jason wouldn’t want me to pass up; I almost heard the request to pull over. Then I was in awe and felt the immense beauty of having had him in my life. My sadness turned to joy and I continued my journey. Several miles later the sadness slipped in again. I looked up and saw another beautiful cloud formation, and I got the message. Now whenever I want to connect with Jason I look at the clouds, and I feel his presence and sense his awe for the beauty he would see everywhere. This has been his gift to me.
Love,
Michelle
Jason I love watching movies together, good ones and bad ones (the latter gave us some good laughs). We stayed up late two nights ago watching a movie, hanging together like old times. We made good use of the Comcast Digital On-Demand we got when we moved to Ipswich. Since Jason passed, Kule and I haven’t been using it and we discovered we could save $25 a month without it. Yesterday morning I woke up crying and couldn’t stop; I was missing Jason, thinking about how nice it was to watch the movie with him the night before. Twenty minutes before the Comcast technician was scheduled to arrive I called and cancelled the service change. I stopped crying. I suddenly realized I wasn’t ready to let go of that connection with Jason. I’m going to watch more movies with Jason and make use of that service! Jason reminded me of how much I like to watch movies, with or without him!
I’ve been thinking about how I connect with Jason and how I connected with him when he was alive. In many ways there are no differences. I can’t hear his words but I can sense them. I can’t hear his laugh but I can feel his silliness and joy. I can’t experience his physical strength, but I can feel his hugs energetically. The emotional feelings are the same although the physical sensations are not there. I know what it feels like to be with Jason, and I can get into that feeling whenever I choose to, if I believe I can. I had practiced that when we would be apart for days and then weeks as he got older.
It got me thinking how we limit our connections in life when we put so much emphasis on the physical. How much connection are we missing with others because of this belief? I’m blessed to have experienced ongoing closeness to many friends who live far away, and how Kule and I stayed connected on his 4-month trip around the world last spring. It’s as if we are never physically apart. I realized that I am now doing this with Jason, and that’s why I can get in the preferred space of knowing I haven’t lost him at all. I’m actually benefitting from a new relationship with him where he isn’t limited by his body, mind, and teenage hormones. I sense him as the wise soul he has always been, and now with adult energy. It’s awesome, and yet it does remind me that he isn’t here physically and I feel the sadness again. I’m finding that this cycle is an iterative process, and the more I go back and forth and feel the gratitude for the gifts I receive from Jason, my pain of not having him here physically gets less and less.
Jason and I always connected well non-verbally. We hugged less frequently as he got older, so I wasn’t as dependent on the physical touch (although he loved my massages, and I certainly enjoyed his shoulder rubs and sitting squished on the couch together!). We had some great conversations throughout his life, but at a length that was much shorter than my expectations, and I got used to that. We enjoyed hanging together as we travelled. In the car he made music mixes on CDs of music he knew I would enjoy, with the understanding my mood might not be up to hard rock or his unique alien-artists, as I called them. I have been listening to these CDs and feeling him in the car with me, enjoying the vibrations together. I’ve been enjoying the alien-artist music in a new way!
I had a wonderful Watsu (aqua therapy) session with Bobbie this week, and I enjoyed the underwater cosmic experiences, soaring like a dolphin. Jason was there, playing and soaring with me. It was so wonderful. At one point I realized I was so relaxed and surrendered that my body didn’t exist. Wow – that’s how Jason is, and I’m on his plane now! It was an awesome way to connect, and the experience reminded me that I can connect with Jason’s spirit in many ways. In fact, us earth beings expect others to connect with us on our earth plane, but we can connect with them on their plane as well.
The night before my Watsu session I had an experience of seeing down a deep tunnel and feeling Jason at the end. It was a message that he is there and I have ways of connecting with him that I might not have been open to before. I can use that image of the tunnel, and I can imagine I’m underwater in the cosmos swimming with Jason.
I was reminded of Oneness in a vortex session Liz offered me last night. I was wanting to be able to connect with Jason more often like this. During the session I felt the shift in my mind to understanding that we aren’t separate, that we are one. As an extension of this, I also was able to see that I don’t need to connect with Jason in any way to feel complete in myself. I do, however, enjoy our connections very much and know I can through memories, if not through ways that feel almost physical in nature.
In many of the Messages I had shared ways that Jason has communicated with me – the automatic writing, “giving” me things I needed just at that moment, feeling his shoulder rub, doing things that lightened up the intense sadness. I was cleaning his desk a few days after he passed, to capture his notes (and poetry, we discovered) folded up randomly on his desktop (his desk was overdue for a cleaning!). Maybe there was an explanation, like bumping the mouse, but I was a bit freaked out by what happened. Fanfare music was playing from his speakers that lasted a few seconds. However, it was like off-wavelength poor-quality radio sound (not the quality of his speakers) and certainly not the kind of music he would have had on itunes, and there was no webpage open. I said “OK, Jason, that freaked me out, but I’m ready to communicate with you this way. Keep going. That was very creative, dude.” The next moment I hear, in the same poor-quality sound, “Thank you”. From my reaction, I think Jason was pleased he got through but he didn’t do it again, he knew it was too edgy for me and I needed more subtle forms of communication.
I was going to say I’ve never seen Jason’s spirit, but I actually have. In the dark I would see subtle shadow forms moving. I wasn’t afraid, so I thought it was Jason. I experimented moving my eyelashes to make sure that the shadows weren’t from them, and I confirmed they weren’t. Since the first experience with this, I realized the forms could be other “spirits”, or energy from other beings, but connecting with Jason’s spirit has opened me up to connect with the other side more clearly. I use the same protection as I would when I don’t see them, so I feel safe and enjoy the connections.
Chuck was over one night about a month after Jason passed, and he had taken a copy of the death certificate back with him. It was a bit emotional, but he needed a copy for his records. After he left I went downstairs and something happened to catch my eye through the small side windowpane of our front doorway. It was something white. I went out to investigate, and found the death certificate on the street. I called Chuck and he drove right back to get it. We both laughed. We knew this was Jason’s sense of humor. He knew how to lighten us up.
Jason has let me know in many ways how much I mean to him. When I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to clean out his bedroom and move his things to his studio downstairs, which is now a memorial gallery to Jason and his works and a continuing recording studio, I felt him smile. He wanted me to move on, and not look at his empty room with sadness. I also wanted Kule to have his own room, something I couldn’t offer him before. Chuck helped me move all of Jason’s things but his bed. The next weekend, Kule and I disassembled his bed to move to the studio as a futon couch. When we moved the mattress, a green peridot earring fell on the floor. I cried with delight; it was one of my favorite heart-chakra earrings I thought I had lost raking the yard last fall. Maybe after a day of raking I leaned over to give Jason a massage, a common night ritual, and the earring fell onto the bed. But how did it survive months of bed-making? It’s too weird, and yet it’s Jason’s unique way of letting me know how much he loves me; he loved weird experiences. He was grateful that we cleaned out his room and that I was doing what I needed to be in my flow of joy in life.
During a ride back from R.I. a few weeks after Jason passed, I was feeling very sad and couldn’t stop crying. I looked up and saw an amazing cloud formation, the kind of photo opportunity Jason wouldn’t want me to pass up; I almost heard the request to pull over. Then I was in awe and felt the immense beauty of having had him in my life. My sadness turned to joy and I continued my journey. Several miles later the sadness slipped in again. I looked up and saw another beautiful cloud formation, and I got the message. Now whenever I want to connect with Jason I look at the clouds, and I feel his presence and sense his awe for the beauty he would see everywhere. This has been his gift to me.
Love,
Michelle
Past Lives, 10/28/09
This isn’t the first time Jason died before me in life.
Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised to get the news at the hospital, when I arrived after driving for almost one hour with no information other than Jason was in a bad accident. The hospital wouldn’t give us information; we found out later that’s because it was police jurisdiction - Jason had died at the scene and his body wasn’t at the hospital. I spent the entire drive in getting ready for the worst news; I asked Jason’s godmother MA to drive because I wanted her to be there for Jason, she happened to be in Hamilton at the time, I trusted her ability to be in grace during receipt of any terrible news, and I needed her calm energy and Reiki. I was on the phone with Kule and Marie-Anne (Linda from Texas), helping me get ready, assisted by a multitude of angels. I didn’t walk, I glided as if in a dream into the emergency room where a nurse escorted me to a private waiting room where Chuck and the other parents were waiting, holding hands.
I saw Chuck and what came out calmly was “Did we lose him?”. Chuck’s face, tears, and weary embrace said it all. The next thing I asked was “Did he suffer?” Relieved shaking heads and a brief conversation with the police waiting outside confirmed that my worst fear didn’t come true. He died instantly with no pain.
The next thing I remember was meeting the other parents, especially Erin’s mother, KT. The first thing she said, with such love in her eyes, was how wonderful my son was and how sorry she was. Then I found out she lost her daughter, and we bonded for life. I’ve gotten to know Erin through KT and her daughter Shannon and understand what an amazing relationship she and Jason had, and how they were destined to part together. Jason and Erin had past lives together where they didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy being together because they were helping too many others; in this life they got to do both. We’ve been told they are soul twins and they may reincarnate as twins. Whatever happens, their influence feels merged.
I got in touch with two past lives with Jason in a past-life regression with Ashara 6 weeks after Jason passed. I wanted to know why Jason and I came together in this lifetime.
In the first life, I was standing on a mountain top, in the snow above the clouds, with my dearest friend and climbing companion. His face was radiant, his soul was so wise, and he was Jason, with bright blue eyes and a bald head. He was in his 50s and wanted to climb one more time with me after a diagnosis of cancer. When it was time to head down he told me that he wasn’t going back with me. He asked me to be with him in love, that he will always be there with me after his body fails, that love transcends his body, and without much warning he stepped off a cliff and disappeared into the clouds. He didn’t want me to suffer watching him die of his terminal disease. I cried in anguish and then accepted his decision in the next moment, with overwhelming love. He had sent me powerful healing right before he left, to make sure I would not feel any guilt about his passage. I felt his presence strongly after he left. I learned that love doesn’t need a body, and to trust the passage. When the soul is ready to go there is nothing anyone can do about it except receive the gifts. I learned I can connect with the other side through my love of Jason.
In a previous life, Jason was a Peruvian medicine woman in a small village; her name was Chanta (pronounced Shanta) and my name was Jesu (pronounced hay-su). I was a troubled orphaned teenage boy who was not respected in the village. I lied and stole and had no friends. Every time I walked by Chanta in the village square where she sat, she smiled at me. She never judged me and she never spoke to me, she just smiled and sent me her love. Jesu always felt special around Chanta, but it confused him. He yelled at her one day – “Why don’t you tell me I’m a loser or tell me to get my life together, or make me get healed? Why don’t you say anything to me?!”. Chanta just smiled radiantly.
In time Jesu gained confidence in himself from feeling Chanta’s love, that helped him to transform. Years later, after Jesu had started a family in another village, he was called to come back to Chanta’s village. She was dying, and she had asked for Jesu. She asked him to hold her while she passed. Jesu was overcome with emotion and was very confused – why would she choose him of all people? She replied “I want you to give me all the love you had received from me in your lifetime.” In that moment Jesu was healed with all of the love he had received and all that he poured into Chanta during her passage. It was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I learned that love is given and received and never goes away; we have to remember it is there. Words don’t do it, it is just pure love. Certain bonds in life are blessed with open channels for that love, that is eternal.
Jason was always short on words and big on love. I always knew this, and he reminded me once again.
Love eternal,
Michelle
Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised to get the news at the hospital, when I arrived after driving for almost one hour with no information other than Jason was in a bad accident. The hospital wouldn’t give us information; we found out later that’s because it was police jurisdiction - Jason had died at the scene and his body wasn’t at the hospital. I spent the entire drive in getting ready for the worst news; I asked Jason’s godmother MA to drive because I wanted her to be there for Jason, she happened to be in Hamilton at the time, I trusted her ability to be in grace during receipt of any terrible news, and I needed her calm energy and Reiki. I was on the phone with Kule and Marie-Anne (Linda from Texas), helping me get ready, assisted by a multitude of angels. I didn’t walk, I glided as if in a dream into the emergency room where a nurse escorted me to a private waiting room where Chuck and the other parents were waiting, holding hands.
I saw Chuck and what came out calmly was “Did we lose him?”. Chuck’s face, tears, and weary embrace said it all. The next thing I asked was “Did he suffer?” Relieved shaking heads and a brief conversation with the police waiting outside confirmed that my worst fear didn’t come true. He died instantly with no pain.
The next thing I remember was meeting the other parents, especially Erin’s mother, KT. The first thing she said, with such love in her eyes, was how wonderful my son was and how sorry she was. Then I found out she lost her daughter, and we bonded for life. I’ve gotten to know Erin through KT and her daughter Shannon and understand what an amazing relationship she and Jason had, and how they were destined to part together. Jason and Erin had past lives together where they didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy being together because they were helping too many others; in this life they got to do both. We’ve been told they are soul twins and they may reincarnate as twins. Whatever happens, their influence feels merged.
I got in touch with two past lives with Jason in a past-life regression with Ashara 6 weeks after Jason passed. I wanted to know why Jason and I came together in this lifetime.
In the first life, I was standing on a mountain top, in the snow above the clouds, with my dearest friend and climbing companion. His face was radiant, his soul was so wise, and he was Jason, with bright blue eyes and a bald head. He was in his 50s and wanted to climb one more time with me after a diagnosis of cancer. When it was time to head down he told me that he wasn’t going back with me. He asked me to be with him in love, that he will always be there with me after his body fails, that love transcends his body, and without much warning he stepped off a cliff and disappeared into the clouds. He didn’t want me to suffer watching him die of his terminal disease. I cried in anguish and then accepted his decision in the next moment, with overwhelming love. He had sent me powerful healing right before he left, to make sure I would not feel any guilt about his passage. I felt his presence strongly after he left. I learned that love doesn’t need a body, and to trust the passage. When the soul is ready to go there is nothing anyone can do about it except receive the gifts. I learned I can connect with the other side through my love of Jason.
In a previous life, Jason was a Peruvian medicine woman in a small village; her name was Chanta (pronounced Shanta) and my name was Jesu (pronounced hay-su). I was a troubled orphaned teenage boy who was not respected in the village. I lied and stole and had no friends. Every time I walked by Chanta in the village square where she sat, she smiled at me. She never judged me and she never spoke to me, she just smiled and sent me her love. Jesu always felt special around Chanta, but it confused him. He yelled at her one day – “Why don’t you tell me I’m a loser or tell me to get my life together, or make me get healed? Why don’t you say anything to me?!”. Chanta just smiled radiantly.
In time Jesu gained confidence in himself from feeling Chanta’s love, that helped him to transform. Years later, after Jesu had started a family in another village, he was called to come back to Chanta’s village. She was dying, and she had asked for Jesu. She asked him to hold her while she passed. Jesu was overcome with emotion and was very confused – why would she choose him of all people? She replied “I want you to give me all the love you had received from me in your lifetime.” In that moment Jesu was healed with all of the love he had received and all that he poured into Chanta during her passage. It was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I learned that love is given and received and never goes away; we have to remember it is there. Words don’t do it, it is just pure love. Certain bonds in life are blessed with open channels for that love, that is eternal.
Jason was always short on words and big on love. I always knew this, and he reminded me once again.
Love eternal,
Michelle
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